I mean, I don’t have an eagle’s view. But I at least have a hummingbird’s view.
I am the child of a narcissist, and would never consider claiming an eagle’s view.
Even when talking about being the child of a narcissist, which is part of all of my fabric.
I understand the chaos of narcissism. A malignant narcissist thrives on chaos. When everything gets off kilter and unbalanced, then a narcissist feels free to spout whatever fucking nonsense they want. Because everything is crazy! Everything is other people’s fault!
This is our life now. Chaos. Gaslighting. Fear.
Chaos bolsters the narcissist.
Like jump starting a battery or, you know, when Vincent Vega plunged the adrenaline into Mia Wallace’s heart.
Amidst this chaos, Randy has been making me laugh.
He’s still dedicated to conspiracy goat memes, but he has started a new theme. Stupid baby head.
Stupid baby head cracks me up.
Stupid baby head has my vote.
This isn’t going to get better for a while. I thought I was prepared, but I underestimated, which is shocking to me, because I always prepare for the worst. It’s sort of my thing. But what is happening in the world right now is more horrific than I thought it would be.
I’m holding my breath in horror and hoping it doesn’t get too much worse.
So, while I accept that chaos will be a part of my future, I am also trying to find humor and art and stories about gymnast breaking world records and street musicians moving crowds to tears. And my husband’s bizarre memes.
This administration will continue to create chaos.
We get to decide how to process it.
As an adult child of a narcissist, this has been a difficult few years. I’ve had to work through insecurities I felt were long conquered. I shed tears I thought were finished years ago.
To all my sisters and brothers who suffer from narcissistic abuse: I am thinking of you and sending you my love.
To people who are still trying to get their heads around the absolutely stunning illness that is malignant narcissism: Yes, it is as bad as you fear it is.
I continue to grow and learn and feel pain in this journey. I’m exhausted and want life to be normal again. And I know that will never happen. Whatever emerges? It won’t be what we remember. Life will be something new.
This could be good or bad.
I think it will be good.
I don’t have an eagle’s view of any of this. But I am good with where I am. I’m enough like this.
Besides, hummingbirds are adorable.
And I get all the stupid baby head I can handle.