I mean, I wasn’t going to get rich, but it’s nice to get paid for art. It feels good.
Turns out, if you stop submitting your writing, then that all goes away.
I decided I’d jump back in. I’m ready. I can be funny. I can be clever. I can be insightful.
I’ll just find a few places to submit to, then I’ll slip back into the habit. Just like riding a bike. Or maybe a tricycle. With a helmet. And perhaps covered in bubble wrap.
So, I subscribed to a newsletter that provided information on where to post your work.
I’m out of touch.
I only understood every few words in the submission descriptions.
These aren’t the real sites. But this is how they seemed to me.
Insouciant Midwestern Swine. Canadian authors only. This publication focuses on the plight of people in the Southwest, excluding Phoenix, AZ, who want to keep houseplants, but inevitably end up killing them. Word count between 12 and 2915 words. Special consideration will be given to submissions that are exactly 778 words long, including half the title words. But only if it’s an even number. Titles with an odd number of words and the story is exactly 778 words long will be held up for ridicule. Pay: .000000000000000003 bitcoin.
Chains, Bubblegum and Postage Stamps. This is a horror anthology. There is no theme, other than there is a definite theme. We really are excited to receive work from people who stick to the theme. Even though there isn’t one. Please, no stories about dolls that come to life, because those stories really scare us. Pay: two cents per word or nothing, but we won’t come to your house and kill you.
Glitter and Cat Vomit. This is a quarterly poetry anthology. The only rule is “no rhyming”. This is a hard-fast rule. No rhyming. No internal rhyming. No external rhyming. No “rhyme rhyme” rhymes with dime. About this rule, we are super serious. Don’t submit rhyming and make us psychotically furious. We don’t care if you think this is spurious. We also enjoy the lead singer of Hootie and the Blowfish, Darius. Actually, if you write a poem with “glitter”, “cat vomit” and “Darius Rucker” in it, then it can rhyme. But you can’t rhyme “Rucker” with “Fucker”. C’mon. Don’t mess it up for everyone else. Pay: Subscription to Cat Fancy magazine and artwork made out of fur balls.
Old Ladies Who Want To Write But Don’t Want To Put In Any Effort. Do the words “speculative” or “pitch” make you uncomfortable? Do you feel out of touch and not sure what anyone wants to read? Did you spend 8 months in your bedroom because there is an apocalypse and now your anxiety and depression have taken over? Are you sincerely terrified of driving to and from work because it seems like everyone on the road are maniacs now? Did you recently go back to the office and it seems extra gloomy and tense which really doesn’t help with the whole “Getting used to going back to work” thing? Then this is the place for you. Don’t worry too much about content. Just wait for your husband to say something absurd and write about it. We’ll totally publish it. Pay: Negative calorie cookies and 1 free pass to administer karmic justice to the person of your choice.
So, anyway. I have no idea what I want to write about. I have no idea where to submit. But if that last one were real? I’d be a queen on that site.