I know Summer isn’t over, but Labor Day has passed.The pools are closed now and my week long vacation is over. It was cool out today, but not cold. For the first time, however, when the wind blew, I could feel the cold that Fall brings. Summer is kind of over now.
Excuse me, while I curl up in a fetal position and cry for a few days.
It’s nearly midnight on a Sunday and I really should be in bed asleep so I can be rested for my first day back at work. However, being away for 9 days has ramped up my anxiety to spectacular levels and the scenarios that I’ve created have gone beyond quirky and into batshit crazy. For instance, I’m pretty sure that as soon as I walk in the door tomorrow, the boss and the entire department will be waiting for me to arrive so we can discuss my internet presence. After that uncomfortable meeting where I am somehow not fired, I will find out that all my projects had their due dates moved up and they were all due last week while I was off.
I’m going to take my mind off those silly scenarios and completely ignore the one’s I’m not willing to share. Instead, I’ll give you the highlights of Michelle’s awkward Summer moments of 2014 that I began compiling in June.
So, I just stood on my deck in a shortish nightie drinking coffee. I didn’t notice the new neighbor sitting on his deck. We made eye contact and I decided to be friendly and speak to him for the first time. Just a good morning.
Then I went into the house and prayed that my nightgown was a little longer than I thought it was.
Please…be longer than just below my ass.
I looked in the mirror and it is. Not as long as I hoped, but not horribly embarrassing.
How’s your morning?
In July, Randy and I visited our musician friends who live in the Smoky Mountains. We went to one of their shows and hung out in the tent next to the stage. After the show, the drummer sat a few chairs down from me and glanced my way a few times, looking like he had something to say. I’ve met this man a number of times, both at shows and at our friend’s house. He finally spoke to me.
Drummer: Are you from Greeneville?
Me: We’ve met.
Me: More than once
Me: Randy’s wife?
Drummer: I’m so sorry…I’m old. Did you get your hair cut?
Me: No, it’s the same. I guess it would have been nice to let him off the hook and lie and tell him that the last time he saw me, my hair was plaid.
We sat there in awkward silence for a few minutes. I hate awkward silence. I usually develop a speech problem where I babble incoherently. Instead, I just let him off the hook.
Me: Meh…people forget me all the time. You’re good.
Of course, the next morning, I talked to this same guy about a vagina brush and that was 10 times more awkward. I’m pretty sure he won’t forget me this time. Pretty sure.
We’ve had a new CFO for about a year now. I’m a peon, so I don’t talk to upper level management. Today, however, I was walking behind him and he had what appeared to be a gravy ladle in his back pocket.
I had to know.
Me: Excuse me, but can I ask you a question?
CFO, who looks like Johnny Sack from The Sopranos: Yes.
Me: You appear to have a gravy ladle in your back pocket. Why are you carrying around a gravy ladle?
At that point, I ran right into a wall and scraped the skin off my elbow.
I guess that will teach me to talk with upper management people.
I’m sitting at my desk and I just managed to spill coffee in my armpit.
I have a largish travel mug, which I bumped with my elbow so I grabbed it and caught it and kind of just hugged it to my side and the coffee sloshed out directly into my left armpit.
It takes a special kind of goddamn talent.
Went to the grocery store and a couple stood by a rack of theme t-shirts. One was from The Hangover and was just a picture of a baby in a carrier. The wife had a baby on her back so the husband picked up the shirt and compared the two. I thought they were showing me, so I smiled and gave them the thumbs up.
Randy: Ummm, I think they were showing that to the people behind us.
Me: Shut up and keep walking.
So then I go to the deli, get my number and start the long wait. I look over and there is the couple walking right toward me and smiling and waving. I waved back with a sheepish grin…yeah, that was me who gave you the thumbs up. Hahaha. I’m a dork.
Aaaand they were waving to the people next to me. So, I inappropriately waved to the same people twice in five minutes. At least Randy wasn’t standing next to me to witness the second waving.
That poor couple, they were probably afraid of me.
This is not an exhaustive list of all my awkward moments for the Summer, but it is the entire list of all the moments that I remembered to write down.
Now, let’s bring on Fall, where all my awkward moments will smell vaguely of pumpkin spice.
Hahahahah, no they won’t. I think I’m the only woman in the Midwest who doesn’t like pumpkin spice everything during the Fall months.