Summer Of 2014: Awkward Moment Highlights

I know Summer isn’t over, but Labor Day has passed.The pools are closed now and my week long vacation is over. It was cool out today, but not cold. For the first time, however, when the wind blew, I could feel the cold that Fall brings. Summer is kind of over now.

Excuse me, while I curl up in a fetal position and cry for a few days. 

It’s nearly midnight on a Sunday and I really should be in bed asleep so I can be rested for my first day back at work. However, being away for 9 days has ramped up my anxiety to spectacular levels and the scenarios that I’ve created have gone beyond quirky and into batshit crazy. For instance, I’m pretty sure that as soon as I walk in the door tomorrow, the boss and the entire department will be waiting for me to arrive so we can discuss my internet presence. After that uncomfortable meeting where I am somehow not fired, I will find out that all my projects had their due dates moved up and they were all due last week while I was off.

I’m going to take my mind off those silly scenarios and completely ignore the one’s I’m not willing to share. Instead, I’ll give you the highlights of Michelle’s awkward  Summer moments of 2014 that I began compiling in June.

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So, I just stood on my deck in a shortish nightie drinking coffee. I didn’t notice the new neighbor sitting on his deck. We made eye contact and I decided to be friendly and speak to him for the first time. Just a good morning.

Then I went into the house and prayed that my nightgown was a little longer than I thought it was.

Please…be longer than just below my ass.

I looked in the mirror and it is. Not as long as I hoped, but not horribly embarrassing.

How’s your morning?

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In July, Randy and I visited our musician friends who live in the Smoky Mountains. We went to one of their shows and hung out in the tent next to the stage. After the show, the drummer sat a few chairs down from me and glanced my way a few times, looking like he had something to say. I’ve met this man a number of times, both at shows and at our friend’s house. He finally spoke to me.

Drummer: Are you from Greeneville?

Me: No

Me: We’ve met.

Me: More than once

Me: Randy’s wife?

Drummer: I’m so sorry…I’m old. Did you get your hair cut?

Me: No, it’s the same. I guess it would have been nice to let him off the hook and lie and tell him that the last time he saw me, my hair was plaid.

We sat there in awkward silence for a few minutes. I hate awkward silence. I usually develop a speech problem where I babble incoherently. Instead, I just let him off the hook.

Me: Meh…people forget me all the time. You’re good.

Of course, the next morning, I talked to this same guy about a vagina brush and that was 10 times more awkward. I’m pretty sure he won’t forget me this time. Pretty sure.

————————————————–

We’ve had a new CFO for about a year now. I’m a peon, so I don’t talk to upper level management. Today, however, I was walking behind him and he had what appeared to be a gravy ladle in his back pocket.

I had to know.

Me: Excuse me, but can I ask you a question?

CFO, who looks like Johnny Sack from The Sopranos: Yes.

Me: You appear to have a gravy ladle in your back pocket. Why are you carrying around a gravy ladle?

At that point, I ran right into a wall and scraped the skin off my elbow.

I guess that will teach me to talk with upper management people.

————————————————–

I’m sitting at my desk and I just managed to spill coffee in my armpit.

I have a largish travel mug, which I bumped with my elbow so I grabbed it and caught it and kind of just hugged it to my side and the coffee sloshed out directly into my left armpit.

It takes a special kind of goddamn talent.

————————————————–

Went to the grocery store and a couple stood by a rack of theme t-shirts. One was from The Hangover and was just a picture of a baby in a carrier. The wife had a baby on her back so the husband picked up the shirt and compared the two. I thought they were showing me, so I smiled and gave them the thumbs up.

Randy: Ummm, I think they were showing that to the people behind us.

Me: Shut up and keep walking.

So then I go to the deli, get my number and start the long wait. I look over and there is the couple walking right toward me and smiling and waving. I waved back with a sheepish grin…yeah, that was me who gave you the thumbs up. Hahaha. I’m a dork. 

Aaaand they were waving to the people next to me. So, I inappropriately waved to the same people twice in five minutes. At least Randy wasn’t standing next to me to witness the second waving.

That poor couple, they were probably afraid of me.

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This is not an exhaustive list of all my awkward moments for the Summer, but it is the entire list of all the moments that I remembered to write down.

Now, let’s bring on Fall, where all my awkward moments will smell vaguely of pumpkin spice.

Hahahahah, no they won’t. I think I’m the only woman in the Midwest who doesn’t like pumpkin spice everything during the Fall months.

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74 comments

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  • Seriously started to cry when you spilled your coffee on your armpit! I have done that too and then seriously considered splashing the other one and blaming my deodorant. Good luck with your discussion about internet presence and your past due deadlines.

  • I am only glad I wasn’t walking behind you when you steered into the wall. I would have helped you of course, but oh my God, I would have had to keep a hand over my mouth to hide the sorry-laugh. All of these were great.

  • Wait… that’s so wrong. You mean we never get to find out why he had a gravy ladle in his back pocket? We just have to use our imaginations about why a top-dog accountant would feel the need to have that implement on his person? (“Excuse me, is that a gravy ladle or are you just really happy to see me?”)

  • hahahaha, OMG! I’m glad I’m not the only one that runs into walls! Thank you for the laugh before I head out to the pit of despair, I mean work.

  • The inappropriate wave gets me every time. It is so embarrassing to think someone is waving/smiling/talking to you and finding out that it’s that girl over your shoulder they are really trying to communicate with. Aaarrgh!!!!!

  • I need to make an “awkward moment” list but most of them will come from my days of the drink and it will involve a lot of phone calls to be reminded what in the hell it was that I did.

    Which in itself will be awkward because some of those people I’d need to call don’t really talk to me anymore.

    Could be fun!

    Hilarious as always, Michelle! (and I’ve done the coffee in the armpit thing . . . you are not alone)

  • I live in Texas…they haven’t approved us for fall yet which makes me sad.

    Oh yeah, I’m also awkward but not self-aware enough to notice…or so my wife tells me.

  • So that is how I spilled coffee into my arm pit and down my sleeve, and shirt! Very funny. I don’t like pumpkin spice either and I live in the Pacific Northwest with a Starbucks on every corner hawking ‘Pumpkin Spice Latte’ in August!

    • I am amazed how many other people have experienced the ‘arm pit’ thing. I thought it was really weird, but apparently, I’m normal.

      Or you are also weird. It could go either way.

  • I, too, am THAT talented – I’m the only one in my office who can trip going UP the steps to my office. I’m pretty sure I had a similar mishap with my shaker-cup and managed to get chocolate breakfast-shake in my armpit. I also once managed to drip something onto the inside of my bra – now THAT’S talent! At least nobody had to see that one…
    PS – I already get a headache when I go to my local A&P since they started putting the giant bins of cinnamon-scented pine-cones right out front near the entry. I love cinnamon but there’s just something vaguely toxic & nauseating about artificially scented pine-cones… Happy Fall! :/

  • I surprise myself with my goof ups on a regular basis. Usually the result of trying to save time, which will backfire with fantastic intensity and leave me stating that I couldn’t do that again if I tried.

  • I have the same anxieties about my web presence, and the whole “what will I walk into after vacation” thing. It gets so bad it’s almost not worth taking the vacation (almost).

  • Oh god. I laughed at every paragraph in your post. I couldn’t help myself. In fact my boss was telling me a serious story about Australia from his office at the same time I continued to read about your second wave. I caught myself JUST in time from laughing uproariously at his story.
    And thank you to Barb for asking about the ladle. Now I wish someone would give me a ladle of M&Ms.

  • I have not (as yet, I’m sure it’s coming) spilled coffee into my armpit. I have however made smexy eye-contact with someone and then missed my goddamn mouth with my cocktail.
    Oh, yeah. I am super hot.

    Don’t feel bad about the “hellloooooohh, you’re not waving at me” thing. I think everyone has done it. I always feel that there should be a sad trombone noise when it happens.
    wah-wah-waaaaaaaah

    😀

  • Glad to see that I’m not the only one who walks into walls on a regular basis. Also, very glad to finally see why this guy was carrying a ladle in his pocket.

  • My least favorite flavor of awkwardness is people whose haircut obscures the bluetooth device in their ear so I have no way of knowing their friendly chatter is actually a phone call…

  • You spilled coffee…in your ARMPIT!?!??!

    Whoa. You’re super, super special *still giggling*

    Bless your boots for entertaining us with your mishaps. And I might just join you in the curling up in a ball and crying about autumn.

    • Lizzi, seriously…it shot like a water fountain directly into my armpit, like a lot of it, my whole side was damp. And I smelled like coffee for the rest of the day.

  • So glad your anxiety was unfounded!
    Apart from the coffee in the armpit, which I’ve not managed to do yet, (though give it time), I’ve done all of those things at least once, especially the skinning elbows on wall thing.
    Babbling at strangers has been my speciality today.
    Went to town for a bit of shopping and half the world was staring at me like I have two heads. I can only assume I’m starting to take on the appearance of the mad cat woman I prophesied I’d become, though I checked in mirrors a few times just in case I’d grown horns or something.

      • I’m sure it will happen at some point. No I was definitely not having a wardrobe malfunction, I was wearing a T-shirt and long shorts so there was nothing to go wrong, plus they were black so even if I’d managed to unwittingly throw coffee down the front of them it wouldn’t have shown up.
        I think I must just have been looking slightly more insane than normal.
        I bet you haven’t lost your skirt when being introduced to everyone in the office on the first day of a new job though
        🙂
        I did that once.

  • How’s my morning? Well, this should sum things up, I read the first line of that story like this (excuse my brain, it works against me sometimes) “So, I just stood on my dick in a shortish nightie…” you get the picture…now I’ve gotta go get the rest of my morning cup of tea outta my nose…thanks Michelle.

    • Wait wait WAIT…I CAN EXPLAIN. Years ago I kept getting emails telling me I can enlarge my penis…and since I work in IT, I’ve known for years that having a penis is definitely an advantage, so I started buying them and they just didn’t work.

      or so I thought.

      It took a number of years but it finally came in! Fortunately for hubs, it’s detachable and I only use it to stand on because I am so very short. I’m guessing I misspelled ‘dick’ as ‘deck’ again. I can’t tell you how many uncomfortable family parties have been when people are really expecting some time on the ‘deck’.

  • Pumpkin is OKAAAAAAY but I prefer cranberry or cinnamon or apple. Pumpkin pie is bland in comparison to sweet potato pie and pumpkin pie or homemade pumpkin ice cream is nearly the only pumpkin thing that is acceptable to me. All other pumpkin things to me smell like butt if it’s actual pumpkin.

    You have awkward moments. I have an awkward life!

  • The great mystery of the gravy ladle will haunt me forever. That and the fact you’ll probably never have feeling in your armpit after burning the hell out of it.

  • At a hotel pool this summer I was sitting in the hot tub relaxing with my eyes closed when someone got in and sat down next to me. Thinking it was my husband (I mean, who else would sit down RIGHT beside me in an otherwise empty hot tub?) I immediately started gabbing away to him. I then opened my eyes to discover my husband was still in the pool. The complete stranger I had started chatting up smiled at me, confused but obviously trying to be polite. Engage awkward escape dialogue while exiting hot tub and backing slowly towards pool… “Oh hi sorry wrong person gotta go now nice talking to you CANNONBALL!!!”

  • Love the coffee armpit spill! Have definitely been close to that (forgetting I was holding coffee and gesturing to my crush something on a name badge I was wearing, thus pouring coffee on my own shirt right in front of him) but armpit is a new one….

    • It was humiliating. He did the ‘Oh my god…are you OKAY’? thing.

      I was like..oh, yeah. That? I’m fine.

      In my head I was crying and saying OW OW OW OW OW

  • You’ve inspired me too keep an “awkward moments” list! I’ll combine it with my “I got lost. Again” list.
    I’m wondering if, after you run into walls, you smile and pretend it didn’t hurt?
    Thanks for sharing.

  • Oh, Michelle! The story about the couple in the grocery store had me rolling! I’ve done the same thing – more times than I care to recall. Tres embarrassing! And I have to know – why was the CFO hiding a gravy ladle in his pants??

  • The waving at strangers thing is pretty much universal. I don’t even get embarrassed anymore. The one that gets me? Not realizing the guy next to me has a Bluetooth device in the other ear, and that he is not, in fact, talking to me, but is on the phone. If I had a nickel for every three way conversation I’ve had–one side of which (MINE) was completely uninvited and non sequitur–I’d be able to buy a house where I could hide from every person in front of whom I’ve ever humiliated myself (which is to say, everyone I’ve ever met, in person or online).

  • Right up there with me nude sunbathing on my sister’s very private porch…..that is until someone drove into the driveway unannounced and I had to figure out how to get my clothes on without standing up in all my glory.
    My sister says his eyesight isn’t that great so here’s hoping I didn’t flash the 75 year old water guy.

By Michelle

Michelle

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