How many of ‘those’ meetings have you had to sit through?
I just had to sit through a meeting that was so boring that I’ve tainted my future generations. They will feel this boredom until the end of all days.
First of all, the best advice I can give you about surviving work meetings: don’t go.
Seriously, just don’t go. There are people in meetings.
If you must go, like I just had to, then here are some ways to minimize the pain. And by minimize the pain, I mean you are going to feel pain no matter what advice I give you.
- First of all, if you are in a meeting and hear the words ‘deferral’ and ‘compensation’ fall out of someone’s face hole, then everything else they say will make you want to sleep or set them on fire.
- Do not set them on fire. No matter the temptation. No good can come of setting your coworkers on fire. Especially, if the room is already so warm that the thought of suffering through a hot flash sounds like relief.
- Speaking of meeting rooms…chances are, you are going to find yourself in a room full of unlikeable people and with the temperature set to ‘sixth level of hell’. It’s also possible that someone will lean back, lock their hands behind their head, and force everyone else in the room to gaze upon their sweaty arm pits. My suggestion to you is to freeze your face into an expression of indifference. You might feel inclined to look at them with horror and feel compelled to tell them to put their arms down. Don’t do it. That is considered rude. Apparently.
- Distract yourself by jotting down ideas for a blog post about surviving meetings. It might be a good idea to invest some time in learning the dying art of shorthand. That way nosy people sitting next to you won’t know you’re jotting down blog post ideas.
- For all that is holy, if you find that people are making assumptions based on superficial facts, don’t fucking point that shit out. If you do, you might find that your ability to look at a situation logically will only create more work for you. This is time that you could have been using to write a blog post on how to survive work meetings.
- If your only two choices are to fall asleep or to scoff at everything the other people are saying, I suggest you take a nap.
- Practice napping without snoring or drooling before any scheduled meetings.
- Practice deep breathing as an alternative to throwing yourself on the ground and yelling “I’m so fucking bored”.
- Don’t keep waving your hands around in the ‘hurry the fuck up’ gesture. This gets on people’s nerves.
- Try not to say all the thoughts that pop into your head. Especially, if people at work already think you’re weird. Oh, and doubly so if one of the people in the meeting is the CFO who the only other time you spoke to him, you ran into a wall and scraped the skin off your elbow.
- Resist the urge to slap the shit out of the person who always opens their mouth when someone asks “So, before we adjourn, are there any other questions”?
This is how the meeting I was in just ended:
HR VP: Michelle, we’re going to have to discuss this issues you brought up in another meeting. Would you like to attend?
Me: I don’t want to attend another meeting as long as I live.
All the other people in the meeting: *laughter*
Me: I’m not kidding.
All the other people in the meeting: *more laughter*
Y’all, no one ever takes me serious. I wasn’t kidding.
I’m sure the meeting invite will pop up in my email any second now.