Sweat Stained Butt Shadow

Okay, two things.

First, we came to an agreement with the buyers. Looks like the house is sold. Done deal. Except it won’t be done until it’s done. Then, I’ll breathe easy.

HAHAHAHAHFUCKINGHAHAHAHA. That’s just a lie. I think I might have forgotten how to breathe easy.

Second, I’m behind again. I haven’t been writing much.

I have been working crazy long hours at work doing really hot, sweaty, hard work. Physical labor, man. I’d go into detail, but I’m not willing to get annoyed again today. I’ve been annoyed enough and this shit isn’t ending any time soon.

Anyway, my back feels like it has a knife in it. My legs aren’t speaking to me. And I have most of my clothes packed up and stored in my mother’s basement. I only have two pairs of jeans here and I wore them Monday and Tuesday and we didn’t get laundry done. I couldn’t re-wear them because I’ve been doing filthy warehouse work. So, I had to wear leggings and a dressy (well, dressy for me) shirt to do warehouse work.

I sat on some dark purple plastic steps to put together a display shelf and when I stood up, there was a perfect sweat mark of my butt, complete with butt crack on the purple step.

The 3 people around me saw sweat stained butt shadow.

As it turns out, I have changed more than I thought, because normally I would be embarrassed as fuck by that. I just looked at my butt shadow and said “Well, now you know what my bare ass would look like if it were purple. And two dimensional.” Then, we all said “that’s what she said” after everything anyone said until it grew obnoxious. By ‘we all” I mean “mostly me”.

So, Randy, as usual, has my back. He brought back Conspiracy Goat and, I have to say, the first one made me laugh out loud.

Wish me luck over the next week because it might be awful.

I’m either going to get in shape at work or end up with broken hips.

Also, could we all send up collective thoughts that at least a few houses in our price range and preferred neighborhoods pop up? Because there is nothing.

So, here you go, some new Conspiracy Goat and a few other memes.



go commando

conspiracy goat

a better unicorn

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  • Hahahahahha. I’ve been noticing a similar print whe I get off the machines at the gym. Luckily they make you wipe it down when you’re done.

  • I don’t like to do physical labor around other people and I NEVER wear clothes more than once. It’s sort of a quirk or phobia or something. People (like my ex, i mean) say, “You know, you can wear jeans more than once between washes.”

    But no no no.

    Hope the next week turns out as well as possible. It’s probably going to be wonderful, I say.

    • Weeeelll…already got the word that we will be doing this next week as well. I am so tired and cranky and not fit to be around the other humans.

      I’ll wear jeans 3 or 4 times before I wash them. Except for when I’m sweating like a horse in them for hours.

  • You make me want to be a better unicorn.
    Actually true.
    Do I have to be a unicorn first?
    Reading your blog makes me realize that I am just like all the other donkeys, and not a special ass after all.

  • Randy is the Goat Whisperer. When’s the Goat coffee table book coming out??
    Wish I’d worked with someone like you! Maybe I’d still be among the gainfully employed.
    You owe yourself a spa day, Michelle. At least a deep tissue massage and relaxing salt bath.
    Congrats on the house!

  • Beware of unicorn fraud:


    I predict that you will prevail. I liked working in warehouses, and living in them, also, sometimes. I could drive the shit out of a forklift, once upon a time. One thing I found about warehouse work: I never had any difficulty sleeping. Sometimes I didn’t even make it to my bed before I zonked out.
    When I lived in East Oakland, we didn’t have a car or laundry equipment, and sometimes I had to wash my work clothes in the kitchen sink and dry them in front of a large fan. The next day they would be clean, but oddly stiff…

  • I can’t imagine being so gross after one jeans-wearing that they needed washing; much less, two consecutive days of jeans-wearing grossness that I had no jeans to wear on day 3! I think I probably would’ve opted for shorts by day 3. Leggings work, too, but if you know you’re getting shwetty, then fewer skin covers are better, in my book.

    Then again, I almost never work in a warehouse anymore, so I forget what that’s like.

    … I didn’t get the five day gig, btw. I’m okay with it. The #SorryNotSorry email sounded sincere, meaning there *could* be a gig for me in the future. I was kinda hoping that *this* gig would lead to the *future* ones, but you know what it means? My weekend is free! Meh.

    • That sucks, but yay on the good rejection. I usually don’t feel too bad if I get rejected if there is an encouraging note from the editor.

  • That sweat stained butt shadow is an omen of good things to come. It has to be because it was a sign that you’d been working hard and hard work is always rewarded.
    Actually I think Conspiracy Goat would say it’s a sign that you don’t do anything half-assed. When you do something you do it fully assed.
    You are the better unicorn so many of us aspire to be.

By Michelle


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