Because A Swollen Face Is All The Rage

I want to thank all of you who listened to me talk about struggling with depression. Even The Bloggess weighed in and while that wasn’t a cure or anything, it did bring a big fat fucking smile to my face.

As thrilled as I was with her comment, it was all of you. You have no idea how much that helped pierce the fog in my brain. I felt less alone. I felt understood.

I’m lucky that this go around didn’t last for months or years. It still comes and goes, but I feel a little lighter and for that I am grateful.

That doesn’t mean I stopped crying over every goddamn thing, though.

Currently, I am crying over videos of choreographed mother/son dances at weddings. I can’t stop watching them. I watch the same ones over and over and cry every goddamn time.

Really? Watching people dance (kind of badly) to Willie And The Hand Jive is worthy of my tears? Watching someone my age do the Thriller dance should be funny and perhaps vaguely uncomfortable. But no. I cry.

What is it about my brain that decides: Hey, you know what would be awesome? If you had a raging headache before work. No. Really. It will be great. Let’s watch those mother/son videos.

And then my hands comply and I find myself sobbing in front of my laptop.

Randy is so sweet. He never laughs at me when I do this. But I know he’s exerting some superhuman will power to keep from shaking his head so hard that it flies off his shoulders.

Here are the problems with my tear fest over the mother/son dances:

  • They aren’t sad.
  • My son doesn’t dance.
  • My son doesn’t like being the center of attention.

Maybe I’ll try to find some videos of nuns dancing the Chicken Dance.

Pretty sure they won’t make me cry.

Depression lies.

Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. Steph says:

    Your comment on my blog made me feel so much better yesterday. I hate that other people feel like this, but it’s good to know I’m not alone. I don’t know anyone in “real life” who understands depression the way that my blogging friends do. It’s hard.

    The video I watched that made me cry? It was that one where a guy is playing guitar and then two strangers come up separately and join in for a jam. Not sad. *shakes head*

    You are the best, Michelle! I adore you and it is my goal now that ONE DAY we will have coffee and laughter and maybe tears.

    • Michelle says:

      I’ve seen that one! And I did cry!

      You should look at the one of the dad playing guitar with his two year old singing a Beatles song. Holy hell…

  2. Sandy Davis says:

    I hate when I do that! It’s usually songs for me though. Which sucks because you cant even hide the crazy… there I am balling like a baby to a random song…in the parking lot, drive way, stop light, line to pick my kid after school.
    Them: miss are you okay??
    Me: it’s just so sad…. I’ll never royal!

    I was saying it gets better before it became popular… Although now people think I’m talking about something else. Oh well, it’s still true.

    • Michelle says:

      I get that! I do.

      You know what song makes me cry every time and I have NO idea why. Tracey Ullman singing ‘They Don’t Know About Love’.

  3. Rocco says:

    So, when my wife was pregnant with my 2nd daughter, she was sitting in front of the computer on a weekend while I was watching TV and she called me over to see what she was watching. It was a couple who had choreographed a dance at their wedding. It was REALLY funny. I looked over and she was BALLING HER FUCKING EYES OUT while laughing at the dance. I had no idea what to do. I just stood there. Finally, I burst out laughing while patting her on the back. She just looked at me and calmly said, “I’m just crazy. You’re so sweet for putting up with my crazy.” This has happened a few more times since (all while she was pregnant) and it is the most uncomfortable situation I’ve ever been in!

  4. Eva says:

    I thought I was the only one who choked up over weird stuff. I always get vaklempt at the oddest things – my kids have started tracking it and betting whether or not I will cry. I would TOTALLY cry at the mother/son thing too. And I’m glad your feeling better – this whole online community thing is good for more than just laughs it seems 🙂

    • Michelle says:

      My kids do the SAME DAMN THING!

      I love them. I do. My baby boy, who is my sweetest child (no offense to you 3 older ones, but y’all know it’s true) is even in on it.

      He thinks it’s hilarious that I sob over the Iron Giant. But really, I think you’d have to be dead inside to not cry over it.

  5. During one of my many depressive episodes, what did it for me was sitcom theme songs. They were so relentlessly positive (One Day at a Time and so on).

  6. KK says:

    You are definitely not alone. I’ve cried at every stupid video I’ve seen this week, even the funny ones. Nuns doing the chicken dance? Well that might raise a smile
    Hope you feel better soon.

  7. Michelle,

    I do the same thing. I cry at the oddest things, like AT&T commercials. For the most part, I hold my emotions in like Scrooge, but once I let go, I really let go. And that is not a Frozen reference. I have never seen it.
    My problem is more with anxiety. I was just up in the middle of the night last night, like I am frequently, worrying about someone hurting my son, or plane crashes, or tornadoes, or whatever. I’m a worrier.

    Hugs to you, The Bloggess, and everyone who suffers from depression.

    • Michelle says:

      I hold a lot of mine in as well..and I haven’t seen Frozen either.

      Anxiety is a DICK. I hate worrying. I am also a professional worrier. What I do, is take any situation and take it to the most HORRIBLE and unlikely conclusion and then just work back from there. It’s exhausting.

      Hugs right back to you, sister.

  8. qwertygirl says:

    I cry at the DUMBEST things. My kids are always looking at me funny, like, “Why is the commercial for the Kid’s Choice Awards making you cry, Mommy?” I have to give a speech at a Girl Scout meeting in a couple of weeks when my daughter “bridges” from Daisies to Brownies, and I have NO IDEA how I’m going to get through that. Jesus.

  9. stef says:

    Oh–You are so not alone. I have always been one of those girls who DOES NOT CRY. Ever. Unless I’m alone, or really really mad. Weepy clingy women friends were the ones I kept a distance from.

    Until about the last 2 years. Now I cry at everything. I empathize with everyone over everything, and I cry for them and with them. I cry at stupid parts of movies. I cry over internet headlines and blog posts and virtual video tours of Lithuania and France.

    I cried over one of my freaking FAMILY TREE facts that I noticed on yesterday. Yes. Instead of paying bills and taking care of my home…here I was sitting at my desk, crying for a girl who was BORN IN 1705. What. the. actual. heck?

    What gets me the worst is the sports/triumph-of-the-human-spirit type movies. It’s gotten where I have to leave the room and go do dishes at the end of Hoosiers or Home Alone, even though I’ve seen both like a million times.

    Which reminds me, I need to go do dishes…

    love you Michelle! Have a great weekend, my dear–I’m off to the world of NO TECHNOLOGY TIL TUESDAY. yay me

  10. Things that make me cry (whether I am having a bout of depression or not):

    1. The Velveteen Rabbit
    2. Flowers for Algernon
    3. The Tenth Good Thing About Barney
    4. Truly Madly Deeply

  11. 16blessingsmom says:

    Yesterday I started to tear up looking at our Little Tikes Cozy Coupe because the kids are all too big for it. I cry when I hear kids crying in stores, especially toddlers getting chewed out for…being toddlers. I would like to say a thing or two to their mamas, but I would be like the Cowardly Lion, choking out the words with sobs. So I just let my eyes brim and mind my own business. I cry when I hear the National Anthem at the baseball stadium, and when I see soldiers, since I have two boys in the Army. Anyway, I LOVE your blog:) 🙂


  12. Depression and anxiety are assholes. Loca is not. She makes me smile when I need it:

  13. Aw, I hate sucky-ass depression! It gets me from time-to-time too. I had a tough week recently and I cried at everything, which is unusual cuz I’m not a crier.

    I’m glad you’re feeling a little better. I went back and saw The Bloggess comment. I would never get over that. Like ever.

  14. Me says:

    I go through stages where I cry at anything – and I mean anything. A will give me a hug and move on because he has realised that there is nothing he can do to stop the tears. K just stays out the way when I am like this – it’s safer for everyone !!
    I don’t think A will be doing any wedding dances with K – which is sad but that’s how it goes sometimes.
    Hope your day got better !

    • Michelle says:

      I just watched a kid dance to Billie Jean and got all teary. This is just out of control. I’m really doing okay though..just having a waterworks issue. 🙂

  15. Doug in Oakland says:

    Not that you need any more weeping material, but this still brings the tears years after I first saw it. It is an elaborate marriage proposal set to a Sigur Ros tune. I’ve watched it many times because I admire the sheer creativity (and class) employed in its making, but no matter how many times I see it, the shot of her face when she finally sees what’s really happening brings me to tears. I think that when I’m depressed, it’s more like a numb sadness, and things like this video can sometimes shock me back toward feeling (and emotional functionality) again. Not always, but sometimes.

    • Michelle says:

      I’m not going to watch it right NOW because I’m tired of going to work with a headache. But I am definitely gonna watch it…that sounds right up my ally.

      You know..I hadn’t thought of that, but you’re right. What I hate about feeling depressed is the lack of feeling and feeling numb..

  16. Jean says:

    I love your blog. I hope you get through your depression, but you writing always brings a smile to my face. You seem like a kind, funny soul, even though the conversations you have with your co-worker are riddled with the words fuck, I can tell your compassionate and fun.

    And I cry at any nature-related commercial or documentary, so I won’t make fun of your Mother-Son wedding dance craze. We all have our shit 🙂

    • Michelle says:

      Thank you so much. I’m glad you like my blog! I will be fine. I’ve dealt with this for most of my life. I know people who deal with a lot more than I do when it comes to depression or anxiety. I know it doesn’t make sense to compare, but I do anyway.

      We do all have our shit, don’t we? I just seem to be crying at more and more stuff the older I get..but honestly, I’m just getting into this menopause thing, so I’m probably out of whack somehow.

  17. Desire says:

    Okay so here’s my prescription for you …. turn your computer / laptop sound OFF…. and watch insane dance videos, and make your own sound effects. Really weird loud obscene odd strange ridiculous sounds / beats etc…..

    You’ll snort with laughter.

    My husband Sir thinks dancing is the most ridiculous thing on earth – when he watches people dance he covers his ears and makes his own ‘noise’ like when a kid tries to drown out something by just yelling with their tongue jutting in and out!

  18. Jess says:

    Oh the crying thing… Yes. I hate that. Things that get me every time: the DMV, the doctor’s office, that Long Island Medium show, Modern Family (it’s a comedy… really?), and random television commercials. Apparently I watch too much TV, scare the crap out of doctors (I tell them I look worse than I feel), and am that lady at the DMV. Good times.

    Either way, I hope you find a way to make your mother/son dance video watching a little less teary. 🙂

    • Michelle says:

      Oh my…I think we’re related, because things that are funny can make me cry as well. I think it’s just emotion of any kind. I’m hoping this phase of kronehood passes soon. I think I made up the word kronehood as well.

  19. Jawa says:

    I never used to be like that but then I had a baby and now everything makes me cry. I read a tweet about a Saudi Arabian guy who was in a car accident and was paralyzed and nobody visited him in the hospital so he tweeted about how lonely he was and thousands of strangers went to visit him and one even paid to have him taken to Germany for treatment. I cried at my desk for over an hour.

  20. Jamie says:

    I cry over everything! I love this post, so honest, you’re a great writer!