Is There A Taste To The Chalk?

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I just wrote a long rambling blog post about starting my new job today and how my anxiety is kicking my ass and how very terrified I am that I’ve made a horrible decision.

It’s true. My anxiety is winning right now. I am terrified. My inner voice loves it when I’m down, because that cunt kicks it into overdrive and pulls no punches.

Well, fuck that.

Fuck that right in the face.

I’m putting on my warrior face and I’m going to write about something else instead.

Randy and I were talking recently how different it is being grandparents. I know our revelations are nothing new. But to us they are. I know that we are far from the only indulgent grandparents on the planet. I am also sure that we are not the only grandparents that drive our children batshit.

For instance, not long ago when our three year old granddaughter  was visiting, there was a battle brewing in the kitchen. The battle was over a banana. Baby girl put her hands on her hips, squared her shoulders and dug her heels in. Her mother adjusted her momma cape and the lines in the sand were drawn.

Baby girl asked for a banana and proceeded to not eat any of it and then ask for a different snack.

Momma said no.

It was a tense situation.

Until Randy came along. He looked at his precious daughter, then at his equally precious granddaughter. He looked at the line in the sand and did what any reasonable grandfather would do.

He picked the banana up and threw it into the backyard.

Truly, I saw his act as peacekeeping and was proud. I don’t think his daughter saw it the same way.

We just see things different when we get older. Either that, or we’re just too damn tired to fight over bananas.

We also find humor in situations that mortified us when we were young parents.

When my older son was around 2 years old, he loved Thomas The Tank Engine. He was particularly enamored with Percy. He loved Percy. Only he couldn’t really pronounce Percy.

We were at a store when he spotted a toy Percy and started yelling; Pussy!! Mom mom mom mom. It’s PUSSY! I LOVE PUSSY! I WANT PUSSY!

I did everything but put a ball gag in that kid’s mouth to just shut him up. I probably promised to buy him a life size Percy if he would please, for the love of all that is holy, stop yelling ‘pussy’ in public.

25 years later and I’m in Target with my granddaughter.

The same one who was willing to battle to the bitter end over eating a banana. She stayed with us for a week last Summer and we were on a mission to find sidewalk chalk. Only baby girl doesn’t really pronounce ‘chalk’ right. She says it with a hard ‘c’ instead of the ‘cha’ sound.

I put her in the shopping cart and she looks at me and says ‘Let’s go get some cock, gaga’!

HAHAHAHAHAFUCKINGHAHAHAH

Was I mortified? Hell no. I kept that shit going. And it got so much better.

Me: Do you like chalk, sweetie?

Baby girl, who was very excited about shopping and might not have been using her inside voice: I love cock, gaga!

Well, we found our sidewalk chalk, and bonus! It had sparkles! But did baby girl pronounce ‘sparkles’ correctly? Nope. She called them ‘fuckles’. Cock with fuckles.

It might have been the best shopping experience of my entire life.

Me: What are we buying, baby girl?

Baby girl: We got cock, gaga! With FUCKLES!

Me: What are we going to do when we get home?

Baby girl: Play with cock!

I bet I asked her at least a dozen questions to see how many times I could get her to say ‘cock with fuckles’.

Did I give a fuck who was listening? Nope. I was terribly entertained. I wish I could go back in time and tell 26 year old me to lighten up about the whole ‘pussy’ incident. That shit was funny.

Well, that certainly took my mind off the fact that I have to make the journey back to a strange land in the morning.

Not that I’m complaining, but my old cubicle was much nicer.

I might be complaining a little bit.

 

 

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63 comments

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  • I just aspirated poorly made red-eye gravy laughing at this.

    COCK WITH FUCKLES, GAGA!

    Jesus, you might need a sparkly T-shirt with emblazoned upon it.

  • I would love to take your grand daughter shopping in Ealing, that would make me laugh a lot!
    🙂
    Not another cubicle?
    I was so hoping you’d have an office.

  • So fix up your new cubicle and make it nicer than the old one. You love your new job – I can already tell that because the only thing you complained about was your cubicle not being nice enough. You spend much more time talking about cock with fuckles – as you should! When my son was two, we were grocery shopping with my sister-in-law and her son and he VERY LOUDLY told his cousin to FUCK OFF!!! Unfortunately, that is exactly what he meant to say and he pronounced it perfectly and I was mortified as most young parents are. I did improve though. Four years later I was completely tickled that my brother taught my two-year-old daughter to call everyone an aaaahole. I encouraged it – I thought it was hilarious! I was really ahead of the times – as a grandmother I am even more insufferable!

    • Well…I needed to hear that as well. I’m terribly stressed out about this new job..making someone laugh helps a lot. It makes me feel like I have a grasp on something. There is something I can feel really good about.

  • PMSL – that is pure gold !!!!!
    I think we all relax a lot more as we get older. I know that when I think back to some of the battles I picked with K when she was growing up – I really shouldn’t have – I should have just let her win that battle because, in the end, I did win the war – she turned into a well adjusted young adult who is having an absolute ball in Chicago but hasn’t forgotten where she came from.
    Certainly things that would not have been acceptable 20yrs ago – like going out without making the bed – now really don’t phase me – so long as it’s made if we have people over in case someone needs to use the en-suite, it’s all good !!!!
    Thinking of you in your new job and I hope you are feeling 100% better by now !!! Have the best day that you can !
    Me xox

    • This is so true. You realize when you get older that you expended a lot of energy on worthless arguments. I am not 100% and today was rough, but I’m hoping tomorrow is better.

  • One of my cousins used to call flowers “fuckies” my uncle, her father used to love pointing out flowers to her just to hear her coo “oooh look, fuckies!” We’re an odd bunch.

    Randy was the ultimate peacekeeper when he threw that banana out the door. I don’t have grandchildren yet (hopefully not for a long while) but it’s got to be so much easier to see the forest when you’re no longer stuck in the trees.

  • ah yes…the time I opened the fridge and a dozen eggs fell out of the fridge and all broke. I abstained from swearing in front of my two year old son. Ahhhhhhhh I said, and he filled in, “Shit, mommy?”

    Thanks for your great stories. Hope your anxiety is easing, and take in some obnoxious pic to make your cubicle more homey!

  • “We got cock, gaga! With FUCKLES!” That’s absolutely fucking priceless. I would have kept her going too! (My adult children are going to hate me.)

    I’m so glad you’re healthy enough to go to the new job. I’m thinking any time the anxiety rears it’s ugly head, you respond with, “We got cock, gaga! With FUCKLES!” Maybe?

    xoxo

  • Thanks, I needed that tonight. My nephew, who loved trucks when he was little, called them fucks. Well you know, fucks are everywhere. His mom and his immature aunts were sure to point out any he missed.
    Hope you’re feeling better and that you have lots of gaudy holiday ornaments to brighten up your cubicle.

  • Sitting here with a huge migraine, squinting at the screen, feeling sad and disillusioned and wanting to completely withdraw from all of humankind…and then I found this. You have no idea how I needed this tonight. The last thing I thought I would do at this moment was laugh, and laugh a lot. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Karen

    • And you have no idea how much I needed to know I made you laugh! Struggling pretty hard with the new job change…and I am so sorry you are struggling with a migraine. They’re so impossible to live through. I hope you’re feeling better today.

  • I dislike being the new person at work so much that I stay at jobs that I loathe until a force stronger than me forces a change. That being said, you are the best Gaga ever and Baby Girl is going to be mortified when she hears the story about cock with fuckles. Hopefully you will be able to tell it to her at a family reunion when she is like 30. Which, of course, is just extra credit points for you! You are hilarious.

  • You are fabulous! This made me laugh out loud. I know how hard changing jobs can be. When I first landed where I am now (for 5 years at this point) I thought I was in a hellish nightmare. Hang in there, it gets better.

  • When my oldest was about three and his dad and I were arguing about something, who knows what, and the explicit were flying, our fighting stopped cold when our son said ‘fuck’. We were a bit panicked, but I realized his ‘fuck’ sounded like ‘fork’ so I said it’s okay, we’ll tell everyone he is saying FORK! I don’t know if I’d really care now, my kids throw out bad words now and I notice I don’t even flinch anymore. 🙂 Funny post.

  • That is SO hysterical! My four-year-old granddaughter just called to tell me what her elf on the shelf did last night. “Mom Mom that little bastard Buddy fucked up the bathroom. Toilet paper every where. He better clean it up or he can go back and stay with Santa.”
    I cannot help but lmao.

    • Thank you and yay you for this path. I love that you went down the make us laugh path. You’re genius at that. I drive my friends insane reading them the gasping-for-breath hilarity you recreate. But I feel pretty confident I am speaking on behalf of a shitload of your readers when I add that had you gone down the other fork in the path, we would love and support you just as much.
      Hope that comment doesn’t give you diabetes. Honest.

        • Oh, the early-days lunch breaks are tough too, aren’t they, when you’re the new kid? And it’s probably not go-for-a-walk weather over there. Surreptitious note-taking about your new colleagues as potential blog-fodder is always a possibility.

  • Oh yes, the days of [dump trucks] “dumfucks” driving down the road…good times…good times…And then there was the “dammit” song he would sing if I muttered it under my breath. And they wonder why we embarrass them when they are 18.

  • Oh gawd. There is nothing I like more than funny things kids say. Nothing.
    As a grandparent, perhaps we do find more humour and less embarrassment.
    I read with interest about the ‘truck’ vs ‘fuck’ stories as well as your other readers’ stories. My middle granddaughter who is 2 was quite happy to show me her fuck parked outside and wondered where our fuck was. “Amma, where’s your fuck?” Oh gawd, it kills me even writing it.
    Having said that, for years I have written down funny sayings of my kids (and now grandkids) on napkins, scraps of paper, toilet paper, paper towels, and anything I can reach at that moment. You think you will remember every funny thing they say, but you don’t.
    To this day, my adult kids go into gales of laughter when they get to read their own personal notes.
    Enjoy your cubicle, make it your own, and I’m glad you’re sounding healthier.

  • I could tell you about the time I said “shit” in front of a teacher, and when she asked me why I said it I panicked and said, “My mother says it all the time!” Or the time my mother was treating a cut I’d gotten and I said, “That iodine stings like a motherfucker.” And when she asked where I’d learned that word I said, “It says ‘iodine’ right on the bottle.”

    But instead I’m going to ask if the banana Randy threw into the yard was peeled. If it was then you can count on some animal carrying it off. If not that shit’ll stay there until it rots.

    Since ’tis the holiday season and ‘Mary Poppins’ will be on somewhere 24 hours a day all month long I have to say, Feed the birds* and peel your bananas before you pitch ’em.

    * And squirrels, chipmunks, possums, raccoons, skunks, coyotes, deer, otters, hobos, wraiths, chambered nautiluses, and whatever the hell else comes into your yard.

  • Amazing how we just lose patience with embarrassment as we get older. I used to be the most easily embarrassed girl in the room. Now I’m more like you: people want to look askance at me? Fuck em.

    One of the benefits of aging.

  • Of COURSE the ‘nanner was peeled, hence ruined, so I sympathize w/mom’s frustration even as I laugh as I envision Randy flinging it into the yard like an organic boomerang!!!
    I still have a substantial bugaboo about “wasting food”/being a charter member of The Clean Plate Club as I try to keep perspective on my boy’s kaileidoscopic food preferences… I was forlorn this AM when he declined his usual BF snack of primal coffee (yeah, this Bad Mom lets her 16-yr old drink coffee)

  • Hilarious! There’s nothing like a good grandkid story to take our minds off the daily crap we face.

    I agree completely that as grandparents we’re far less serious… and far less worried about what others might think — even our adult children, parents to the grandkiddos.

    (Good luck with the new job.)

  • The first few days of a new job are always stressful, but soon you’ll have the routine down and the stress will fade as familiarity sets in. When you look back on this in a couple of years, the stress-from-newness will feel like an alien concept.
    This interaction between my sister-in-law and my nephew happened when they were visiting at my parents’ house and my nephew got his first taste of ice cream:
    Sister in law: (hands my nephew two spoons of ice cream on a saucer) Here’s a treat for you.
    Nephew: (gobbles it up and holds the saucer up with both hands) More?
    SIL: (puts another spoon of ice cream on the saucer) OK, but that’s all you get.
    N: (gobbles it up and holds up the saucer again) More?
    SIL:Nope, that’s enough for you.
    N: No more?
    SIL: No more.
    N: Fuck!
    Both of my parents started giggling and I had to immediately revise my estimation of the consequences of being caught cursing with an “adorably cute” clause.

  • Pussy and cock with fuckles! You pulled out all the stops tonight. I’m stopping here tonight because the laugh I just had is what I want to end my day with. Thank you!

    Oh, and just for shits and giggles I think ‘We just see things different when we get older. Either that, or we’re just too damn tired to fight over bananas.’ should be printed on a tee shirt. I’d buy it.

  • HAHAHAHAHA! That was HILARIOUS! My great grandmother and grandmother both used to say, “Wipe your puss off” when you’d have something on your mouth. Well, my husband got a hold of that one and taught my (then 2 year old) to tell everyone to wipe their “dirty ol’ puss off!” Ironically, when he said it to his great grandma (my grandma), she thought nothing of it.

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Michelle

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