This Is The End

T

When I was pregnant with Joey, who is 22 now, all I wanted were 3 ways.

There was nothing I craved more than a hot, steamy 3 way. Okay, I usually had a 4 way. But onions, as much as I love them, don’t love me.

I guess if you aren’t from the Cincinnati area, you might be confused.

Here, it is perfectly normal to look at a friend at work and say “You want to get a 3 way for lunch?” And it’s not considered sexual harassment.

Cincinnati chili, spaghetti and cheese. That’s a 3 way where I am from.

Both times I was pregnant, I ate a lot of chili and spaghetti.

The most popular franchise is Skyline. But Skyline is not the best franchise. Dixie Chili is the best chili restaurant.

And don’t even mention Gold Star. Gold Star chili sucks ass. I worked at one from age 17 to 19. Terrible chili. Awful.

Dixie Chili kicks ass though.

Like I said, I craved 3 ways when I was pregnant with Joey. Fortunately for me, our apartment was a stone’s throw from the original Dixie Chili, which wasn’t really the original. The original was up the street a little and torn down years ago. But still. It’s the one on Dixie Hwy. The original.

What does that have to do with the end?

Well, I will tell you. It’s because of Randy. He’s an asshole and because of him, we had to implement a hard and fast Dixie Chili rule.

Back when we still went to restaurants, I knew if there was a jukebox, I wouldn’t be seeing Randy for a while.  He is powerless against jukeboxes. Plus, he is that guy who wants to control all the music, no matter the setting. Jukeboxes are perfect for that.

Dixie chili is brightly lit, open and not huge. You order at the counter, wait for your food and take it to your table. It’s a family place.

Randy used to play The End by The Doors at Dixie Chili.

A brightly lit family restaurant. With kids. And soccer moms.

When the song got to this point:

Father? 

Yes son?

I want to kill you. 

Mother? 

I want to YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

The entire restaurant would be silent. Except for Jim Morrison singing about doing terrible and disturbing things to his parents and the sound of my husband laughing.

It harshed my 3 way buzz, yo.

We had to make a no “The End” rule for Dixie Chili. He wasn’t happy, but I really did have to insist.

We went there earlier this year, we weren’t regulars anymore. We don’t live nearby and I’m not pregnant, so I don’t think about it as much. But still, sometimes it is good. I saw him spy the jukebox as soon as we walked in.

Me: Nope

Randy: I didn’t do anything

Me: You are thinking about it

Randy: About what?

Me: You know what

Randy: C’mon. It’ll be funny

Me: Rules are rules, my friend. No The End.

I was reminded of this as Randy and I watched another Youtube video from Jamel AKA Jamal. His reaction to The End was priceless.

Decades later, Randy is still amused by this. I am still horrified. It was so uncomfortable, you guys. The volume was up pretty high on that jukebox.

Speaking of Randy, he just turned 60.

My mom, baby sister and I couldn’t let 60 pass without doing something. We are distancing, so a party was right out. Plus Randy hates parties, so there’s that. But we wanted to surprise him with something.

So, my 80 year old mom, youngest sister and I, worked out a song and dance. We sang I Want To Be Sedated. With pom poms. On the front lawn.

I’d show you a video, but there isn’t one. The moment belongs to just Randy. Plus, my 80 year old mom learned a Ramones song. How fucking cool is that?

I hope you all had a lovely holiday.

It was a like a war zone on my street on the 4th.

Randy slept through the whole damn thing.

 

 

 

 

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12 comments

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  • I think that I would love a homemade birthday party present like that! I don’t like parties, either, and that would have been the ultimate ‘no party’ party <3
    Plus. Your Mama rockin' it <3
    *swoon*
    My pregnancy food was New Mexico reservation tacos. Complete with grease and heartburn – why is it that even when we know the food will sit wrong, pregnancy desires overcome the sanity everytime?

    I can laugh about 'The End' because I wasn't there and it wasn't my husband, but you have my aghast and gawp respect… I woulda been the one snort-laughing with my face in my napkin while meeting your eyes with my sympathetic 'Whatcha gonna do?' look to offer you that most necessary wifely camaraderie.

    4th was OK here, ruralness keeps the boom at an endurable level, but I still spent a couple of hours keeping my horse from deciding to live in Kansas <3

    The End

    😀
    😉

  • I would have LOVED to see your performance! Pity you couldn’t get someone to video it for posterity!

    Hope the fireworks ended at a semi-reasonable time! Our neighborhood went on until about midnight.

    Why does the line “and the rockets red glare, ALMOST bursting in air” translate into freaking everybody out for hours on end? Where does the ‘almost’ come into play?

    Happy Birthday Randy!!! Hope the performance was entertaining! (Why didn’t he tape it?)

    • He had no idea what was happening, it was a complete surprise, I don’t think he even had his phone with him. And my sister would KILL ME if I put a video of her online.

  • Hi Barbaram. I believe the line is “the bombs bursting in air.” And Michelle, thanks for this post. “The End” is a great, if disturbing song. And, yeah, not really family dining music. 🙂

  • Mary – you’re quite right. This is what happens on a Monday morning after 2 nights of no sleep due to bombs bursting in air…..

  • Tell Randy I said happy birthday. I turn 60 this year also, should I manage to live until the middle of December.
    My brother had all of The Doors’ albums, I think, but I don’t remember hearing “The End” until one weekend when I still lived in Eureka and my friend James said “Let’s drop acid and go see a movie” and the movie at the Tri-Plex we ended up seeing was called “Apocalypse Now”…
    I didn’t hear even one pop this fourth of July, fires up here are big medicine.
    I love Jamel AKA Jamal. His reactions to the Doobie Brothers made my day. That kind of uncut enthusiasm is literally what we need to save the world, in my humble opinion, so thank you so much for turning me on to him.
    That’s fantastic about “I Want To Be Sedated” and congratulations for pulling that off. I once got Rob, Chris, and Matt the 6’7″ Irish punk to do the Time Warp in my living room, but that pales in comparison.
    I hope you are surviving the damn apocalypse, and staying healthy, because this is no shit.

    • I’m so glad you are enjoying the videos!

      Randy says thank you. We’re doing our best to stay safe. We still are isolating as much as we can. I am going to work. But I go directly to my office and I only come out to pee. Or for meetings. And I won’t attend a meeting unless everyone is wearing a mask.

  • Homemade gifts are special
    I don’t like onions they make my tongue tingle
    Thanks for explaining what a 3 way is because my first thought was what the hell

By Michelle

Michelle

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