When I was pregnant with Joey, who is 22 now, all I wanted were 3 ways.
There was nothing I craved more than a hot, steamy 3 way. Okay, I usually had a 4 way. But onions, as much as I love them, don’t love me.
I guess if you aren’t from the Cincinnati area, you might be confused.
Here, it is perfectly normal to look at a friend at work and say “You want to get a 3 way for lunch?” And it’s not considered sexual harassment.
Cincinnati chili, spaghetti and cheese. That’s a 3 way where I am from.
Both times I was pregnant, I ate a lot of chili and spaghetti.
The most popular franchise is Skyline. But Skyline is not the best franchise. Dixie Chili is the best chili restaurant.
And don’t even mention Gold Star. Gold Star chili sucks ass. I worked at one from age 17 to 19. Terrible chili. Awful.
Dixie Chili kicks ass though.
Like I said, I craved 3 ways when I was pregnant with Joey. Fortunately for me, our apartment was a stone’s throw from the original Dixie Chili, which wasn’t really the original. The original was up the street a little and torn down years ago. But still. It’s the one on Dixie Hwy. The original.
What does that have to do with the end?
Well, I will tell you. It’s because of Randy. He’s an asshole and because of him, we had to implement a hard and fast Dixie Chili rule.
Back when we still went to restaurants, I knew if there was a jukebox, I wouldn’t be seeing Randy for a while. He is powerless against jukeboxes. Plus, he is that guy who wants to control all the music, no matter the setting. Jukeboxes are perfect for that.
Dixie chili is brightly lit, open and not huge. You order at the counter, wait for your food and take it to your table. It’s a family place.
Randy used to play The End by The Doors at Dixie Chili.
A brightly lit family restaurant. With kids. And soccer moms.
When the song got to this point:
I want to kill you.
I want to YEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
The entire restaurant would be silent. Except for Jim Morrison singing about doing terrible and disturbing things to his parents and the sound of my husband laughing.
It harshed my 3 way buzz, yo.
We had to make a no “The End” rule for Dixie Chili. He wasn’t happy, but I really did have to insist.
We went there earlier this year, we weren’t regulars anymore. We don’t live nearby and I’m not pregnant, so I don’t think about it as much. But still, sometimes it is good. I saw him spy the jukebox as soon as we walked in.
Randy: I didn’t do anything
Me: You are thinking about it
Randy: About what?
Me: You know what
Randy: C’mon. It’ll be funny
Me: Rules are rules, my friend. No The End.
I was reminded of this as Randy and I watched another Youtube video from Jamel AKA Jamal. His reaction to The End was priceless.
Decades later, Randy is still amused by this. I am still horrified. It was so uncomfortable, you guys. The volume was up pretty high on that jukebox.
Speaking of Randy, he just turned 60.
My mom, baby sister and I couldn’t let 60 pass without doing something. We are distancing, so a party was right out. Plus Randy hates parties, so there’s that. But we wanted to surprise him with something.
So, my 80 year old mom, youngest sister and I, worked out a song and dance. We sang I Want To Be Sedated. With pom poms. On the front lawn.
I’d show you a video, but there isn’t one. The moment belongs to just Randy. Plus, my 80 year old mom learned a Ramones song. How fucking cool is that?
I hope you all had a lovely holiday.
It was a like a war zone on my street on the 4th.
Randy slept through the whole damn thing.