The First Step Is Admitting You Have a Problem

I have a problem, y’all.

I can’t stop buying bras from the internet. I can’t. I think I may have even written about this before, but I don’t remember for sure and I am way too lazy to check.

They all suck. Out of the 17 trillion bras I bought from the internet, I like one of them. I’m wearing it now. It’s actually awesome. There is no tag. I don’t remember where I got it. The details of 17 trillion online bra orders tend to get a little fuzzy so it isn’t like I’m ever going to find it again. I had to go through so many to get this one. But you know the old saying “You have to buy a lot of shitty bras before you kiss a toad and it turns into the perfect bra.” or something like that.

It’s not like I don’t understand about reviews. I do! I actually have a solid grasp on the concept that before you purchase anything on the internet, you can avail yourself of customer reviews. But when I’m faced with an ad for best bra ever, I cease to have an understanding of how one operates in 2023. I become focused. I have blinders. I can only see that one thing.

I just want the Holy Grail of bras. That’s all.

I don’t know if you all have seen the ads on social media for the bra created by a 70 year old grandmother or not, but let me help you out.

Don’t buy the fucking bra. Granny didn’t know what the fuck she was doing. It is a terrible bra. Abysmal. And sadly, I have bought at least two other versions of this same fucking bra, just under different names.

Because I have a problem.

The bra material is wispy and almost not there. In other versions of the granny bra, there were no closures or anything, you just pulled it over your head. In the grandma version, there are three “buttons” in the front. The cups have a pad, like a round maxi pad, shoved in a little pocket thingy. The pads aren’t lined up or anything. So your boobs end up looking in different directions. There is no support. Nothing. It’s like having an ineffective ace bandage around your chest with feminine hygiene products over the nipples. With straps.

The granny version, with the front “buttons”? Yeah, they are not buttons. They are snaps. They have the strength of something held together with Elmer’s glue. Maybe. I might have just denigrated Elmer’s glue.

I wouldn’t give these away. I guess I could use them as gag gifts or something? Oh, and I did say “them”. Because when I bought the granny bra, as I was checking out, I was offered a second one! At half price! So of course I got the second one. I couldn’t afford not to.

Because I have a problem.

I believed this time, too. I did. A 70 year old grandmother? Invented this? A 70 year old grandmother would never lie to me.

I mean, I’m a 60 year old grandmother and sometimes I lie. But I’m not 70 yet, so who knows? Maybe that will change. Who wants to live in world where 70 year old grandmothers walk around lying all the time? Especially about something as important as inventing the unicorn of bras.

That wouldn’t work though, would it? You can’t be a grandmother and not lie. You are always going to say, “Yes, sweetheart, I do want to hear you sing the latest Disney song for the 12th time.”

If you don’t lie, then you’d be saying things like “For all that is holy, no. I do not. I do not want to hear you screech sing about undersea life or ice or circles of life.”

To anyone reading who is the parent of our grandchildren. Of course I am not talking about your kids. This is just a joke.

I guess there was that one time when Let It Go was sung many times, but it wasn’t close to 12 times. And there wasn’t any shrieking. Also, to be fair, I encouraged it. 

But no, granny lied.

I am Charlie Brown and internet bra scammers are Lucy Van Pelt. I have missed that football so many times.

But this is it. I mean it this time. I will never buy another internet bra. Even if Dolly Parton hand sews it herself. I have no idea why Dolly Parton would be hand sewing bras. She seems to have a very successful career doing other things. I’m just saying, if she did, I would not buy it.

You know, I am beginning to suspect there was no 70 year old grandmother at all.

Also, who am I kidding? I would totally buy a bra hand sewn by Dolly Parton.


11 Thoughts.

  1. Yeah, I almost got suckered into the Granny bra myself. They only offer this stuff at night when my rejecting skills seem to be at my lowest. My only saving grace is the video that seems to come with each style – the minute the wearer jumps up and down and nearly knocks herself out because her boobs jumped with her , I know that’s not the bra for me. Even sports bras don’t keep the girls where they belong when I’m forced to move. And of course I would never again buy an underwire bra. Let me know if you ever find out who made the one you like. Although by now I should know as I’m already the 70+ year old (not a) Granny!

  2. I have recently bought 3 bras online and thankfully they fit but it is so often hit and miss with buying clothes online and every woman knows how difficult it can be to find a good fitting bra that feels so comfortable as well.

  3. Briana says to take that bra that you like to a seamstress and have her make an exact copy. Why it has to be a seamstress, I’m not sure, but since I don’t have any boobs, I’m leaving the details to the people who know what the fuck they’re talking about.
    There are apparently lingerie seamstresses, and those are the ones you want, not the heavy overcoat makers.
    Elmer’s glue, by the way, works really good on the things it is made for, but if I had boobs I seriously doubt that I’d use it to glue anything to them.

  4. I so enjoyed this story, especially because I was thinking of buying that granny bra on the internet with the buttons, so intriguing, so interesting but, no, keep scrolling, Judy, I have a drawer full of useless uncomfortable bras. I passed the granny bra and move on and I’m so happy to read your critique. Thank you.

  5. Hey Doug! I am. I’m trying to find my way back. But we’re good. Just a lot going on. Thank you for checking on me. I miss you guys!

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