Hello friends and family!
Goodbye 2019! We’re excited to welcome 2020. So much has happened since last year’s Christmas letter. We moved again as Krampus found our camper when we were just outside of Wichita.
You might remember last year I told everyone about adopting Krampus’s flying goats?
Apparently, when Krampus visits, goat adoption is a duty one must take on.
So, we had Flasher and Slasher, Asshole and Fissure, Vomit, Stupid, Goner and Shitstain.
Flasher, Slasher and Vomit were killed in a freak instant pot disaster.
I hate speaking ill of the dead, but I’m not sorry Vomit is gone. He smelled like gone over fondu.
Fissure and Asshole were recruited by Jack White and are touring with him. We’re so proud.
Jennifer turned 18 and hightailed it out of town. She took Goner and Stupid with her. It makes me happy to know that Stupid is looking over Jennifer. He’s always loved her. She’s the only one he never spit on.
Which leaves Shitstain. I think he’s the reason Krampus found us.
We think Shitstain was sending telepathic messages.
But you know what I always say, when you adopt an animal, they become part of the family and family sticks together through thick and thin.
Especially, little Timmy. I mean the sticking part.
He doesn’t appear to have human skin anymore. He is covered in this viscous goo that looks very much like the slime stuff which was popular in the ’80’s. Of course, I never bought slime for Jennifer or Timmy. It’s educational toys or nothing for the Jenkin’s kids!
Anyway, I believe in “making lemonade”.
Timmy is quite useful when it comes to picking up goat hairs that little Shitstain leaves behind.
It’s hard to believe that 3 years have passed since Timmy was a bad little boy and summoned Krampus instead of Santa., the little dickens.
We did find a nice little desert cabin. The cabin used to be inhabited by an elderly woman who wandered off into the desert, never to be seen again. Locals say she was a witch and her land was under her protective spell.
Which was amazing for us, because we were just hoping to find a place with both electricity and running water which wouldn’t smolder as soon as Timmy stepped inside.
But to find all that and be protected by old, dark magic? Dream come true for the Jenkins!
Unfortunately, the protection spell only held out for 6 months.
We knew we were in trouble when Ana-Maria levitated and sang Captain and Tennille songs. I mean, the levitating part was totally normal, but the singing?
I can tell you, I could live my whole life happily if I never heard Muskrat Love again.
For those of you who may have forgotten, Ana-Maria is the old Armenian woman who moved in with us after she met Timmy. I don’t understand most of what she says, but I believe she thinks she’s saving the world from a demonic apocalypse. The elderly have much to teach us!
I’m being such a Debbie Downer. We should all focus on the positive since this is Christmas.
For instance, little Timmy has proven to be a goldmine!
He can turn Greek yogurt into blood by spitting in it. He only produces O positive which is high in-demand.
Timmy keeps the lights on and keeps Shitstain in all the Purina Goat Chow he can eat!
Also, Timmy stopped laughing uncontrollably between the hours of 3:07am and 12:33pm. What a relief!
I sleep easier as long as the woman who lives behind my ear isn’t sobbing. Poor thing.
Roger hasn’t found a job. Sadly, he is now invisible and his tongue fell off so he can’t talk.
I can tell you that employers just aren’t interested in someone who appears to not exist at all. But I know he’s around because he farts a lot and sometimes steps on my toes. The good news is, he seems to have taken on all the housecleaning and meal prep. He’s a trooper.
I saved the best news for last!
I got a new job!
The people in town collectively agreed to pay me a tidy little salary if I keep my goat, my invisible husband and slime covered son away! Easiest job ever. We even get health care! Too bad it doesn’t cover our monthly bill to that voodoo priestess whose prayers ensure that my family isn’t covered in fish scales. Money well spent is what I say.
Well, I’ve gone on too long. Enough about me!
Here’s to hoping you all experience warmth and health and laughter and fun this holiday season. Also, when you open this letter, if it starts raining toads , we apologize.
Roger, Tish, Timmy, Jennifer, Ana-Maria and Shitstain