The Kitty and I Had a Rough Week

I mean, it wasn’t the roughest week in the world.

On a scale of “For all that is fucking holy, the pandemic is never going to end” to “Trump gets the 2024 nomination” it was about a “The grocery store is too fucking crowded and why aren’t those people wearing masks?”

Our black kitty, Alfie, is a wheezy cat. He’s always snored a little, but the snoring has gotten worse. Sometimes, he snores when he’s awake. So, I made a vet appointment for  him.

A few months prior, I had taken Gertie to the vet.

She had developed the charming habit of scooting her fuzzy little kitty butt on the rug in Joey’s room.


Turned out she had a tapeworm. Poor baby girl .

Anyway, the morning of Alfie’s appointment, Joey came to me all concerned.

Joey: Mom, there’s something wrong with Gertie’s butt.

Me: Fucking hell. What is it?

Joey: It just looks swollen and red and infected or something.

So, I called the vet and swapped out the appointment from Alfie to Gertie.

Joey rode with me to the vet. They have a pretty good setup, only one patient at a time. You call them when you get there and they call you back when it’s safe to go in.

While we waited for our callback, Joey fussed at me.

Joey: Mom, you have to hold the carrier from underneath.

Me: No you don’t, it’s fine. The handle is fine.

Joey: Do you think she can get out?


Then the vet called. I managed to carry Gertie in without dropping her or her pulling a Houdini.

Gertie wasn’t happy, but she submitted. She kind of looked like she was trying to do an impression of a bearskin rug.

The vet and the technician checked her out.

Vet: Ummm…what exactly do you think is wrong with her butt?

Me: Yeah, I uh, I’m not sure. I didn’t look at it.

We all had on masks, but that didn’t stop me from reading the expression on both their faces which said “Are you, perhaps, a dumbass?”

Me: My son said she needed to be looked at. I didn’t give a second opinion.

Then, it occurred to me that I had only brought Gertie into this practice twice and both times I wanted them to look at her butt.

Crap. They’re going to think I’m some weirdo fetishist. “Here, look at my cat’s butt. Look at it. Take my money, but look at her butt.”

Vet: That is one healthy cat butt.

Me: Okay then, thank you. We’ll ummm…be back next week with our other cat. His butt is fine I mean, I assume it’s fine. I’ll ask my son.

Because that sounds less weird. 

So, Gertie was traumatized for absolutely nothing and I paid double the vet bill.

I told Joey he was going to be that parent who had his kid in the emergency room every other day.

I am glad he didn’t inquire as to how often I took him to the doctor or hospital. To be fair to my son, if he does do that, then he comes by it honestly.

But Gertie wasn’t the only one who had to make an unexpected trip to the doctor.

I have reached the age where I can injure myself by sleeping. Or breathing.

You guys, I hurt my upper back bad. Either the injury was so horrific I blocked it, or I hurt myself while sleeping. I called my doctor last Monday for a video appointment. He prescribed some drugs and sent me to the hospital for an x-ray.

The trip to the hospital was no fun. There wasn’t a position I could get in to that gave me relief. Getting the x-rays was no better. At one point, I had to take my mask off  and open my mouth as wide as I could so that she could get a good shot of the vertebrae in my neck. Which seems odd to me. I think she was just fucking with me.

Anyway, the official diagnosis was a pinched nerve. I’m feeling much better now, but those first few days were rough.

When we got back from the hospital, Gertie jumped up on the bed with me. Gertie is my scaredy cat, and it’s always nice when she comes to visit. She let me pet her a little before settling down on a pillow. I told her all about my back and how much it hurt.

Gertie has a naturally melancholy face, but in that moment, she seemed a little extra pensive.

She seemed to say “Unless they stuck their finger in your butt? I don’t want to hear about it.”


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  • You just reminded me that I’m going to have to get my freaked out 14 year old (non-affectionate) cat into her carrier to get her for her Rabies shot soon. Along with ear mites that the LAST Vet transmitted to her. Not looking forward to that experience, but I think I need to put the carrier out for a few months to make sure she forgets it’s the jail transportation to the prison laboratory. And then there’s the week of snubbing to look forward to.
    We have visiting vets down here which is great, but they’re currently not entering anyone’s home over the 1st floor. What – cooties rise like hot air? And shouldn’t they have a fully stocked van to take care of matters inside that? Well, I have several months to worry about that, but I just put down a new area rug yesterday so we’ll see if any butt scooting happene next.

  • I would have been right there with you at the vet with a well cat. I have a tendency to avoid inspecting potentially disturbing conditions, choosing to go straight to the professional. 😉

  • Sasha had that wheeziness. Medicine for several weeks. It got better. Now it’s back. I’m thinking of just chalking it up to seasonal allergies.

    I injured my foot getting up from the couch. I felt something inside split open. In a walking cast for 8 weeks. I guess the parts are past their Best Buy date.

  • I’m glad you are feeling better. I’m also glad Gertie’s butt is fine. I have to my cat to the Vet on Monday for shots. I bring the carrier in a few days ahead of time. I don’t know if it’s mean of me to let him see it for a few days, or not. I do know if I bring it in the day of the appointment he turns invisible. Have a great week!

  • Littlebeast is pretty good about vet visits. The first time we took him was to get his shots so he could live in the same house with Raven’s cat Molly, and he was surprisingly well behaved in the exam room, and in the carrier in the car when the car wouldn’t start and we had to wait hours for a rescue…
    We did have to give him worm medicine. The first pill we had our friend who is a vet’s assistant give him, and it took like five seconds and he was on his way. The second pill was when we were living in Rohnert Park and had to give it to him ourselves, and that was a little harder. We tried the whole “open his mouth with your fingers and throw the pill into his throat” method and he wasn’t having it.
    Then Briana swiped one of Molly’s Nulo wet treats and covered the pill in it in his food bowl, and he proceeded to lick all of the treats off of the pill and look up at us like “What’s up with you humans. You’re acting hella weird today.”
    Then he just licked the pill up and swallowed it.
    Littlebeast is a fine little animal.
    I had to get my labs done last week, and it was OK. I sort of hate needles, OK that was a damn lie, I fucking really hate needles a lot, and this time it was… fine. Hardly even felt it while she filled up three vials with my blood. I told her she was really good at what she did.
    Considering the damage Briana had to have surgery to repair that Littlebeast did to her when they were playing, I don’t think I would want to have “stick your finger in a cat’s butt” in my job description.
    I’m glad you are feeling better, and please make sure you have excellent doctors before you let any of them operate on your back. I told you the story of what they did to my mom, and I don’t want anyone else to have to go through that kind of bullshit.

  • That is one hell of a week. I do wish there were a way we could explain to the animals “Hey, people sometimes have to go to the vet too, and I know it seems weird that we do it voluntarily but believe me it sucks just as much for us, if not more.”
    It would be hardest to explain that to our oldest dog who actually enjoys going to the vet. I used to think he enjoyed it just because he really likes people and everyone there makes a fuss over him but now I wonder if he has some kind of weird fetish, or maybe a fetish that isn’t really that weird.

By Michelle


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