Hello! Welcome to the Post COVID cafe.
We’re so happy to see you. It feels good to finally be able to be around other people while breathing in the little droplets of spit they expel when they exhale, isn’t it?
You got here just in time. We are busy now, but the upcoming rush is going to be a doozy. Fortunately, there’s no wait for a table.
Would you like to sit in the coughing or no coughing section? Not that it really matters.
The coughing section? Have a little tickle in your throat? I understand, so many people do these days.
I’ll let you get seated and return with water, an assortment of vitamins, and pain relievers. Before I go, though, I will tell you about our specials.
We have a lovely Delta variant. This comes with a side of fever and the feeling of having an elephant on your chest.
If you are looking for something a little lighter, we have a lovely little Omicron.
You’ll probably only experience light sniffles for a few days, but some customers lose 2 of their five senses with ongoing fatigue and fogginess for weeks later. Please understand, we cannot guarantee you will experience the more severe range of symptoms.
We also have a BOGO on the BA variants.
Feel free to mix and match. Have a BA 1 and a BA 3. Or just 2 BA 2s. Buy a few for the table and share! Who knows, before you leave, we may have our own BA variant! We’ll be sure to name it after you. I mean, as long as your first name is Ba and your last name is a number.
If COVID isn’t your thing, we are excited to share something new. Well, it’s not new, but Monkey Pox is here! It sounds funny just saying that, doesn’t it? Monkey Pox.
Also, for a short time, we have a flu virus which feels very much like Bubonic plague symptoms. Not the worst of symptoms, of course, but at least you don’t have to get bit by a flea. Or a rat. Or however it is people get the black death.
For our guests who protected their freedom by not wearing a mask or getting vaccinated, we have a wide array of ventilators.
They are going fast, because believe it or not, they are still in demand!
Also, if you ingested horse paste or, haha, maybe drank a little bleach? I would recommend reserving a ventilator today, because eventually, you’re probably going to need one.
For our guests who have done their best to be safe, no worries, we have something for you as well. Especially for those guests who got vaxxed, boosted, and always wore a mask, but got COVID anyway. We have a little laminated card reminding you that you have no idea how badly this actually affected your health! Maybe 10 years from now you’ll have trouble breathing! Or maybe 5!. Who knows, you might be forming blood clots as you read this! There’s just really no way of knowing right now.
Have I had COVID? Oh, honey, I’ve had COVID so many times now that I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I guess the only long term effect is that I see everything in the same shade of blue. But you know what they say, If life gives you a deadly virus, then make believe it doesn’t exist.
Oh, and I would be remiss if I didn’t encourage you to visit our gift shop. One of our best sellers is an urn with a picture of Fauci’s face in a circle with a line through it.
I’ll let you think it over and leave you with this. Wear a fucking mask. Get the fucking shot. This isn’t over.