The Post COVID Cafe

Hello! Welcome to the Post COVID cafe.

We’re so happy to see you. It feels good to finally be able to be around other people while breathing in the little droplets of spit they expel when they exhale, isn’t it?

You got here just in time. We are busy now, but the upcoming rush is going to be a doozy. Fortunately, there’s no wait for a table.

post covid cafe logo

Would you like to sit in the coughing or no coughing section? Not that it really matters.

The coughing section? Have a little tickle in your throat? I understand, so many people do these days.

I’ll let you get seated and return with water, an assortment of vitamins, and pain relievers. Before I go, though, I will tell you about our specials.

We have a lovely Delta variant. This comes with a side of fever and the feeling of having an elephant on your chest.

If you are looking for something a little lighter, we have a lovely little Omicron.

You’ll probably only experience light sniffles for a few days, but some customers lose 2 of their five senses with ongoing fatigue and fogginess for weeks later. Please understand, we cannot guarantee you will experience the more severe range of symptoms.

We also have a BOGO on the BA variants.

Feel free to mix and match. Have a BA 1 and a BA 3. Or just 2 BA 2s. Buy a few for the table and share! Who knows, before you leave, we may have our own BA variant! We’ll be sure to name it after you. I mean, as long as your first name is Ba and your last name is a number.

If COVID isn’t your thing, we are excited to share something new. Well, it’s not new, but Monkey Pox is here! It sounds funny just saying that, doesn’t it? Monkey Pox.

Also, for a short time, we have a flu virus which feels very much like Bubonic plague symptoms. Not the worst of symptoms, of course, but at least you don’t have to get bit by a flea. Or a rat. Or however it is people get the black death.

For our guests who protected their freedom by not wearing a mask or getting vaccinated, we have a wide array of ventilators.

They are going fast, because believe it or not, they are still in demand!

Also, if you ingested horse paste or, haha, maybe drank a little bleach? I would recommend reserving a ventilator today, because eventually, you’re probably going to need one.

For our guests who have done their best to be safe, no worries, we have something for you as well. Especially for those guests who got vaxxed, boosted, and always wore a mask, but got COVID anyway. We have a little laminated card reminding you that you have no idea how badly this actually affected your health! Maybe 10 years from now you’ll have trouble breathing! Or maybe 5!. Who knows, you might be forming blood clots as you read this! There’s just really no way of knowing right now.

Have I had COVID? Oh, honey, I’ve had COVID so many times now that I don’t know if I’m coming or going. I guess the only long term effect is that I see everything in the same shade of blue. But you know what they say, If life gives you a deadly virus, then make believe it doesn’t exist.

Oh, and I would be remiss if I didn’t encourage you to visit our gift shop. One of our best sellers is an urn with a picture of Fauci’s face in a circle with a line through it.

I’ll let you think it over and  leave you with this. Wear a fucking mask. Get the fucking shot. This isn’t over.

 

About the author

10 comments

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

  • All I can say is thank G-D for Instacart! I hate them with every fiber of my being, but they exist for people like me. I have no car so in the past I’d take a cab to and from Publix, but with all the car share/taxi’s paying more for gas, it’s actually become cheaper for me to use Instacart than go my self. And I don’t have to exposes myself to every one who sneezes, coughs or sniffles while selecting fruit. We also are having a little extra fun with the Saharan Dust – just what people with lung issues need. Somehow, by being retired and paranoid, I’ve managed to keep from getting sick by becoming almost completely isolated. I do get out daily to get my mail and always wear a mask again. What a way to live. Oops, I need to get my 2nd booster. But I need to go out for that.

  • I can’t believe how casual people have become despite what we’ve been through. We’re among the few who continue to wear masks in our housing colony. I’m certain people laugh at us when our back is turned. But who cares – we do what we feel is good and right. We’ve also had two shots and a booster and find it strange that many people we know are bucking having the booster!

  • It’s not over but I’m so fucking over the people who pretend it’s over. I got a notice at work that my work from home authorization has expired and I’m tempted to say, “Okay, here’s the deal: I’ll come in as long as the person in my office who refuses to get a booster shot (and who complained about the first two vaccine shots) and refuses to wear a mask because they say ‘it makes me feel like I have a fever’ agrees to work from home.”
    I don’t want to be around that person because it may not be the mask. They may actually have a fever.

    • It’s so fucking frustrating. So goddamn frustrating. I don’t want to get it again, but I am pretty confident in sayng that I’m going to goddamn get it again

  • How are you getting along with it, so far? I just caught mine, two weeks ago. And I’m the one, who wore a mask, keep a safe distance, and got my vaccinations. In fact, I came down with it just a week after my first booster shot & flu shot. I posted this news on Twitter, last week, but so far not a peep about it. Anyway, to me it’s no worse than any other flu I had. I hope you’re recovering well.

  • Folks have pretty much stopped wearing masks down in Oakhurst, with a few scattered exceptions. While I was picking up my prescriptions at the pharmacy in Vons last week, the pharmacist noticed the raggedy looking N95 I was wearing and stuffed ten brand new ones into the bag with my meds. I think they are supposed to give them away three at a time to those who ask, but the pharmacist wasn’t getting asked, and I was wearing one…
    Hope you are feeling OK.

By Michelle

Michelle

RSIH in your inbox



Categories