Seriously, this is one ugly ass kitchen. But we’ll get to that in a minute. There is so much more, you guys. So much.
We’ve been living in the new house for 10 days now. We closed a week ago last Friday and the transition had a bump or two. If we can agree the new definition of “bump” is now “clusterfuck”.
Let’s agree, moving is stressful enough on it’s own.
We had issues with movers canceling on us at the last minute which set the tone. I can’t tell you how grateful I am for Craigslist in getting last minute movers and house cleaning service. I am also grateful we weren’t murdered by a serial killer who gets his victims from Craigslist. Or her. I mean, it could be a woman serial killer, but history dictates they probably wouldn’t be female.
Anyway, we closed early Friday afternoon and the seller told us that she hadn’t been able to get all her stuff out, but that she would be back later in the afternoon to finish up.
While we were still closing, Joey had gone ahead to take the kitties over. He called while we were signing papers and let me know the house was basically full. And disgusting.
That was a difficult conversation to have while the seller sat right across from me.
Joey: Mom, this is so fucking gross.
Me: Okay, well, we’ll deal with it later. How fucking gross? Really?
Joey: You don’t understand the situation. There is shit in every room.
Me: Actual? Please, please, please. No actual shit.
Joey: No, mom. Not actual shit. But there is stuff in every room. Even furniture. And everything is dirty. Everything. It smells.
Me: Okay, sweetheart. Thanks for letting me know, we’ll be done soon. Fucking hell. Fuckity fuck.
Then, I finished signing papers while sweat dripped down my back. I had thought she had a few boxes to pick up. But no.
I underestimated the situation.
I drove the 20 foot moving van to our new house. Randy and I immediately got separated after we closed on the new place. He didn’t have his phone, so no GPS and he wasn’t familiar with the area. I wished him luck and headed south.
You can only park on one side of the street at our new house. Joey didn’t know that and I forgot to tell him, so he and his buddy were both parked illegally for about an hour. I had them move their cars, but that didn’t stop one of my new neighbors from calling the police. So, we had the police called on us before we set foot in the house.
Also, I wrecked the moving van when we were returning it. Just a little. You could barely even notice. Also, I paid extra for the insurance. It was $14 well spent.
When we arrived, the closets were filled with clothes. The pantry was full. The bathroom cabinets and drawers were full. There were dishes in the sink and dishwasher.
Oh, and there was a cat. Sam.
Sam is an independent indoor/outdoor cat. The seller hadn’t been able to coax him into a carrier as of closing. She was, however, able to at least get her two dogs from the house.
I spent the whole first night, pacing through the house muttering “it’s so filthy” over and over.
Also, most of our furniture was in a pod and we had to wait three days before it arrived.
We just had our mattress on the floor of what is now our office. The floors and walls were fur lined. There were dust bunnies so large and dense that they were actually aggressive. Alfie the kitty slayed a few of them. So, we spent 3 nights sleeping with our heads about a foot above a filthy floor. It was as bad as camping.
I found a cleaning lady on Craigslist who was willing to come in on a Saturday. I will be lighting candles in her honor for the next year.
She worked for 10 hours and in that time was only able to complete the bathroom, our bedroom, and most of the kitchen. I worked on the rest of the house, so it was at least tolerable after 48 hours.
I got the most wonderful phone call the Sunday after we moved in.
Mountain girl and the Bass player were scheduled to arrive the following Thursday for a short visit, but she wanted to know if we wanted them to come Tuesday so they could help out. We so enjoyed the extended visit. And this was novel. We go to their house, not the other way around.
We caught Sam before Mountain girl and the Bass player arrived, which was awesome. I felt like a heel. He really wanted in. He would sit at the backdoor and meow. Once, he was in the front window and tentatively raised his paw to me like “oh, hey, I sort of live here, could I come in for a minute?” I can’t tell you how happy we were when Sam was safely taken to his new home. We were all suffering from kitty guilt.
You guys, Mountain girl cleaned and organized the entire basement. She kept up on the upstairs cleaning as well.
The Bass player hung curtain rods and hauled boxes or trash when they needed hauling. It was glorious.
If the cleaning girl gets a candle lit for a year, then Mountain girl and the Bass player have every fire ever built in the fire pit in the backyard named in their honor.
It wasn’t all work and no play. Joey made margaritas and Mountain girl found a use for the used limes.
Also, after a few drinks, Mountain girl and I made a video so you could see the world’s ugliest kitchen for yourself.
After Mountain girl and the Bass player left, Randy and I put together an Ikea TV stand. We’re still on speaking terms. Also, we are avoiding the larger 8 drawer dresser that needs assembling.
I go back to work tomorrow.
I have clothes for tomorrow. I have no idea if I’ll get to my clothes situation by Monday evening or if I’m going to the local Goodwill and buying a small interim wardrobe.
Yesterday, I looked out the dining room window and there was a possum head in the side yard.
That’s considered good luck, right? Finding a severed animal head in your yard just after moving in?
What the fuck tears possum heads off? I am hoping the culprit is at least not human.
Next on my list: have those goddamn counter tops smashed to bits.
On the zillion to one chance the person who owned this house reads this post: You are a lovely person and I know you did the best you could. Also, can we agree the counters were a terrible idea?