Think of a movie that you’ve seen just once, many years ago. You might have liked it, but now, you kind of remember the plot and maybe a few hazy pictures.
January seems like that to me right now.
I mean, it’s not like I don’t remember what it felt like to watch Randy day after day in the hospital, but it has a hazy, dreamy feel. It seems bizarre to me that Randy has only been home a week.
He’s getting better. I’m doing what I can to repay my debt to my sleep bank. I’m still behind on my payments and I’m getting my ass kicked over that.
I decided this past weekend, after 3 terrifying weekends at the hospital and existing on very little sleep, that making a turkey dinner with all the trimmings was a good idea.
It didn’t happen.
Those little turkey breasts are expensive, you guys. Mine is thawed. It’s a work night. I can’t do a whole turkey dinner on a work night.
I decided to cook dinner in shifts.
I’ll bake the turkey breast, peel potatoes, make a salad, and put together the pre-made stuffing tonight. Tomorrow, I’ll boil the potatoes, make the carrots, and heat the other shit up. Easy peasy.
Since I am me, I’ve already run into a few issues.
First, when I was cutting the plastic away from the turkey breast, a thick brown ooze squirted from the package.
What the fucking fuck is that?
Oh shit. I stabbed the gravy. Goddammit so much.
Okay, this is okay. I’ll put it in a baggy. It will be fine.
Then, there was the garlic clove incident.
I thought, you know, you are better at writing about your fucked up life than you are actually living it. Sure, I’ll get the turkey breast cooked tonight, but all those other things I was going to do? Like laundry? Nope. I’ll write about my cooking fiasco instead.
However, wouldn’t it be better for you if I offered you some how-to advice rather than talking about my epic garlic clove battle?
So, here you go. Cooking tips for women who should really be better at this shit by this stage in life:
- Don’t listen to your mother. If your mother says she made chocolate pudding out of avocados that taste just like chocolate pudding, then she is lying. It is disgusting and will make you cranky and pining for a pudding cup. This isn’t so much a cooking tip as it is a life lesson.
- You need at least one good thumbnail to peel garlic. My nails look like they’ve been cared for by gerbils. I don’t own an emery board. My thumb nails break at the base all the time. Am I a grown up who goes and looks for the little nail scissors to fix the issue? No. I tear the nail off, which is always a painful mistake, and leave this little flappy, worthless nub of a thumbnail. If you are a person who abuses their thumbnails and find your thumbnails have been rendered useless, then just skip any recipe that requires peeling a clove of garlic. Trust me on this. It’s possible you will get frustrated to tears if you don’t follow this advice.
- Just give up on macaroni and cheese. Seriously. Let that shit go. You will never make macaroni and cheese that isn’t dry and clumpy, or weirdly greasy. The actual macaroni will either be a gummy mushy mess or hard as a rock. You will never get the recipe right. Ever. Leave the macaroni and cheese for those cooks who made it to midlife and have grown up skills in the kitchen.
- Have the basic measuring tools. For instance, if you can’t find a teaspoon, don’t use a tablespoon thinking you’ll by able to eyeball the conversion. You will get it wrong. Also, if you find you have no teaspoon sized measuring spoons because the teaspoon one is the one that always finds its way into the garbage disposal, then take heart, garbage disposals aren’t as expensive as you think they are.
There you go, some cooking tips from me to you. Now excuse me, I have to finish phase two of my weeknight turkey dinner. I don’t usually make stuffing from a box, but I know my limits right now. Kind of. I mean, I’m unrealistic, but I’m not psychotic.
Photo courtesy of stock.tookapic.com