There’s a Dinosaur In The Backyard

Two more weekends before we list our house. There’s a 50/50 chance we’ll make that date. I mean, it’s our date, we can change it if we want.

We went from seeing no houses where we are looking, to houses being listed and sold in a day or two. This is not improving my anxiety over finding a house. I’m sure it will be fine. A little sure. A tiny bit.

We’re never going to find a house.

And that’s not the only thing, now that we’re at the end, I’m waiting for something to happen.

  • Like the new roof will cave in.
  • Or, Joey will set it on fire making his vegan black bean burger mix. For all that is fucking holy, that boy can make a mess. 
  • I don’t know, a lot of things could happen. It could get eaten by termites.

I just need everything to stay intact just a tad longer.

If that isn’t bad enough, I saw the snake again.

I know snakes are good for yards. I know the snake won’t hurt me. It still wigs me out.

Randy and I created a scenario that would prevent us from selling our house.

Me: I’m going out on the deck. I hope the snake’s not out there.

Randy: Don’t worry. She won’t crawl up on the deck. Unless, she turns into a dinosaur.t rex

Me: That would be cool if it did. And how do you know it’s a she?

Randy: Because soon it will have 500 little babies in the backyard.


Randy: It would not be cool. We’d never sell the house. A dinosaur has no curb appeal.

Randy: Can you see how that tour would go? Brett, would take potential buyers through the house and they would be saying “Love the colors. Nice size rooms. The grout is to die for.” Then, they step out on the deck. “Fuck, is that a dinosaur in the yard?”

Me: Hahahaha.

Randy: Brett would have to tell them “Yeah, she used to be a little snake. Then, one day she just turned into a dinosaur. She’s gentle. She’s really, really gentle.  I mean she keeps out stray dogs, cats, and various wildlife. Kids would never vandalize your home. It helps keep down your critter control costs and preserve your re-sale value. Plus, the sellers have agreed to not add the dinosaur to the cost of the home. Essentially, she’s free.”

Me: Yeah, and every one who visits would say one of three things. “Can we go back to the house that had no indoor plumbing?”  “I have to stop dropping acid before we look at houses.” and “Oh my god, where’s Muffy?”

Randy: Brett would have to tell us that no one wants a home with a dinosaur in the yard.

Me: So, what would we do? FSBO or get rid of the dinosaur?

Randy: We could call Donnie, that guy we paid to haul off the branches and tree limbs

Me: He’d remember us, I’d just say I was the person with the 6 ft high pile of branches in our garden and the husband who never stops talking.

Randy: He’d be like “A what? A dinosaur? How big a dinosaur? 18 feet tall and 7,000 pounds? You have a $200. budget? I’m gonna need at least $250.”

So, you know, we just worry about the normal things people worry about when they’re trying to sell their house.

All I got done tonight was to hang two sets of curtains, repair dings on the kitchen counter, and consider the possibility that a garter snake in our back yard might turn into a dinosaur and ruin our selling mojo.


Photo courtesy of Parker West


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  • Brett: “Michelle. after careful consideration, I’ve decided not to endorse your back yard.” I dunno–you could just stay there and make tons of cash from tourists, although you’d have to be careful that the dinosaur didn’t eat too many of them. Welcome to RageMichelle Park!

  • Benjamina (that is her name) is obviously a SELLING feature. Anyone in my family would jump at a chance to buy a house with a dino, it will keep away evil mice and bugs. Also, we could have roaring contests with it. I would win. I am not loud, but I am fierce. We will let her live in the back porch in the summer and the mud room in the winter. I can buy her a really large dog bed. She likes being scratched between the front paw toes, BTW, and belly rubs. Sometimes, she likes to wear a sparkly silver tutu, but not when it is warm. And she grazes the lawn to the perfect 2.5 inch length, so there is no lawn mowing.
    Have you ever seen the movie “Butter”? it is about the second-best movie ever, with the best worst-case-scenario dialogue.


    I SWEAR!!! I just had that same kind of conversation.

    But, with myself.

    And no one laughed…

  • Hahaha! Hey, I have a snapping turtle I can send to you. She looks pretty prehistoric. She can be a real bitch. She hisses if you get too close, which kind of sounds like a snake if you close your eyes. I never close my eyes when she’s out though. Did I mention she’s a bitch?

  • When I was a little kid, my teacher read us a book called “The Enormous Egg” about a kid who finds a triceratops egg in the henhouse, and all of the travails the family goes through trying to raise a dinosaur.
    I remember the book having a sad ending, but I don’t remember what it was. Maybe the government took the dinosaur away?
    Anyway, we used to have all kinds of garter snakes around the house where I grew up, and my folks sold it in, like, three weeks or some shit, and all of the sudden we had to move into town, into a rental house, that my dad eventually bought and rented out. The improvements he did to that property were mostly outdoor, and performed by my brother and I.
    Lots of fancy cinder blocks called slump stones, and the endless mixing, carrying, and pouring of concrete, the digging of footings for retaining walls, the little leveling strings stretched across the back yard where the new driveway would be poured, and a smoker/barbecue I built for dad myself out of fire bricks on a concrete slab with a steel door I welded together before I really knew what I was doing.
    All in all, a giant pain in the ass that we just up and moved out of anyway, so WTF?
    Well TF is that my sister owns that house now, and the one we moved into after we left it, and it’s still there, on Google Earth and everything, so I can still look at it and go “Look what they’ve done with it now… God, that sucked.”
    You guys will do fine. You will have many stories to tell when you do finally get moved into your new house, and since you’re you, they will probably be better stories than the ones in this comment…

  • You can send the dinosaur to me. Heck, you can send the snake to me. Either way, problem solved. I’d send you some house-selling mojo, but I don’t have any. Two of the worst experiences of my life were selling the two houses I’ve owned. On the other hand, I think I’ve soaked up every bit of house-selling bad karma in the world, so you should be good.

    • I probably owe you a big thank you.

      I’m starting to see the tiniest light at the end of the tunnel. There’s still a fuck ton to do, but still..tiny teeny itty bitty little light.

  • If you don’t think a dinosaur could sell your house you don’t know Quirky Chrissy as well as I thought. Pretty sure she’d sell your house fairly quickly for a small commission.

  • I think there’s a pretty wide consensus that Tyrannosaurus rex was not the fearsome monster it’s been made out to be but more often a scavenger. Oh sure, your neighborhood T. rex could snap up smaller critters if it wanted to but preferred easy pickings.
    And also might have had feathers. I kid you not.
    Yeah, there are a lot of different dinosaurs you could have in your backyard–and chances are a lot of them had feathers too. So it really could be a strong selling point.

  • When we were looking our agent had a tactful way of saying certain houses were a crap pile: “This is a great house for a very specific buyer.” She said that about the place we were so enthusiastic about until we discovered the door halfway up the stairs that led to literally nowhere—drunk me would have died because of that door. She said that about the place with the hole in the kitchen floor through which you could see into the basement. (Apparently it had “just happened” while the seller was doing some repairs… he “dropped a screwdriver and it kept going.”) Your snakeosaur would be a great feature for a very specific buyer.

    That buyer is probably me, but I’m not looking. So it’s a good thing she’s still a snake right now. (Besides, I’ve got my eye on that haunted house you turned down…)

  • I loved this article but I’m sorry I laughed a lot in the last paragraph when you say “consider the possibility that a snake in our yard would turn into a dinosaur and ruin our selling power.” – That’s awesome! hahahahaha

By Michelle


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