Two more weekends before we list our house. There’s a 50/50 chance we’ll make that date. I mean, it’s our date, we can change it if we want.
We went from seeing no houses where we are looking, to houses being listed and sold in a day or two. This is not improving my anxiety over finding a house. I’m sure it will be fine. A little sure. A tiny bit.
We’re never going to find a house.
And that’s not the only thing, now that we’re at the end, I’m waiting for something to happen.
Like the new roof will cave in.
Or, Joey will set it on fire making his vegan black bean burger mix. For all that is fucking holy, that boy can make a mess.
I don’t know, a lot of things could happen. It could get eaten by termites.
I just need everything to stay intact just a tad longer.
If that isn’t bad enough, I saw the snake again.
I know snakes are good for yards. I know the snake won’t hurt me. It still wigs me out.
Randy and I created a scenario that would prevent us from selling our house.
Me: I’m going out on the deck. I hope the snake’s not out there.
Randy: Don’t worry. She won’t crawl up on the deck. Unless, she turns into a dinosaur.
Me: That would be cool if it did. And how do you know it’s a she?
Randy: Because soon it will have 500 little babies in the backyard.
Randy: It would not be cool. We’d never sell the house. A dinosaur has no curb appeal.
Randy: Can you see how that tour would go? Brett, would take potential buyers through the house and they would be saying “Love the colors. Nice size rooms. The grout is to die for.” Then, they step out on the deck. “Fuck, is that a dinosaur in the yard?”
Randy: Brett would have to tell them “Yeah, she used to be a little snake. Then, one day she just turned into a dinosaur. She’s gentle. She’s really, really gentle. I mean she keeps out stray dogs, cats, and various wildlife. Kids would never vandalize your home. It helps keep down your critter control costs and preserve your re-sale value. Plus, the sellers have agreed to not add the dinosaur to the cost of the home. Essentially, she’s free.”
Me: Yeah, and every one who visits would say one of three things. “Can we go back to the house that had no indoor plumbing?” “I have to stop dropping acid before we look at houses.” and “Oh my god, where’s Muffy?”
Randy: Brett would have to tell us that no one wants a home with a dinosaur in the yard.
Me: So, what would we do? FSBO or get rid of the dinosaur?
Randy: We could call Donnie, that guy we paid to haul off the branches and tree limbs
Me: He’d remember us, I’d just say I was the person with the 6 ft high pile of branches in our garden and the husband who never stops talking.
Randy: He’d be like “A what? A dinosaur? How big a dinosaur? 18 feet tall and 7,000 pounds? You have a $200. budget? I’m gonna need at least $250.”
So, you know, we just worry about the normal things people worry about when they’re trying to sell their house.
All I got done tonight was to hang two sets of curtains, repair dings on the kitchen counter, and consider the possibility that a garter snake in our back yard might turn into a dinosaur and ruin our selling mojo.