Things I Have Spilled


Well, I spilled the beans.

I don’t mean that I told someone’s secrets. I actually spilled the beans. I’m making chili for my lunch next week. I don’t really have a recipe, I just put things together. It’s usually good, but always different.

Sundays are for cooking now.

I prepare food for my lunch on Sundays so that I can avoid restaurants. Or using the microwave at work. I don’t want to heat up my food and get other people’s COVID food particles in my lunch. I just want to lock myself away in my little conference room and be left alone.

I’m still not dealing with the pandemic very well. I feel like I’m being gaslit every day. People going about their business as if we aren’t getting sick and dying. I don’t get it.

If nothing else, please wash your hands every chance you get and wear a fucking mask. The inconvenience is worth saving the lives of our sisters and brothers. Just wear a mask, okay?


I have always been a klutz.

I stumble a lot. I trip and fall sometimes.

And I always spill food on myself.

I say “Oh, I have tartar sauce in my hair” more than the average person.

I have spilled coffee into my own armpit. Twice.

One time, I got melted cheese in my eyelashes while heating up a frozen dinner.

I don’t buy white clothes ever because I’ve learned they usually don’t last through one wearing.

Usually, a spill happens before lunch. I love coffee. Coffee loves me, too. But it loves being on me rather than in me. I mean, I prefer coffee in me, but apparently, I don’t get a say in that.

For instance, something I learned last week. Can I walk and put my mask on at the same time? Yes. Yes, I can.

Can I walk and put my mask on at the same time without dumping coffee on my own head?

No. No I cannot.

Since I’m having chili next week, it is imperative that I wear a dark wardrobe. Something that won’t show tomato stains.

It might be the apocalypse, but I am still me. Just a more anxious version of me and that’s saying something.

I hope you all are hanging in there. I hope that you all find reasons to smile and laugh.

I hope that your brain is being kind to you.

This will pass. We will have to adapt to new normals, but this will pass.

I can’t wait until I get to see you all on the other side.

Until then, stay safe. Wear a mask. Be kind. Choose love.


Image by Jeff Klugiewicz from Pixabay

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  • Very well said! No offence, but even if we weren’t social distancing, I’m pretty sure I’d stay 6 feet away from you while you were eating or drinking. Hahaha! Stay well!

  • My brain has “left the building” some time ago. We’re being as careful as possible, considering we’re surrounded by a$$holes everywhere. On the local news, they interviewed a kid (well – 20’s-30’s) who actually looked into the camera and said he’d rather pay a fine (this is because the police are FINALLY ticketing people not following the new ‘rules’) than wear a mask because it’s all a hoax anyway. Where do these people get their information from? One of these schmucks went to a Covid party and SURPRISE, got Covid. He was hospitalized and came out talking to yet another camera about how it’s real after all and to be careful. I don’t know where common sense has gone with the American people. This is just baffling. Oh and yes, and we’re opening schools sometime in August. Because being ahead of New York in cases and deaths is just not enough for South Florida.

  • I’m not sure anyone can put on a mask and walk and carry coffee at the same time. Unless they have three arms or some kind of supernatural manual dexterity.
    The important thing here is that chili is great because you can throw almost anything in it and no one will give a shit. Or, more accurately, if you’ve made it right they will give a shit. That’s why the campfire farting scene in Blazing Saddles was the most realistic part of the whole movie.
    And it’s also bizarre to me that some people go on as though nothing is happening. I had a two hour work meeting last week to discuss the protocols of coming back to the office. I’m not complaining even though the two hours could have been summed up with, “Wear a mask, wash your hands, and stay the fuck away from people.”

  • Did you see Jamel’s video about the white guy who went to the black cookout? Thank you again for turning me on to him.
    Having been a line cook for ten years, I’ve spilled a lot of food. I’m still hyper aware of that moment when the dish I just pulled out of the oven breaks traction and begins to slide toward the end of the spatula…
    Man, the comedy gold that would be a video blooper reel of all the times I’ve done that.
    You really really don’t want to spill anything you’ve just heated in the oven because then you have to heat another to replace it and all of the rest of the order will be getting cold and stale, so you will go to previously unimagined extremes to keep that motherfucking dish from sliding all the way off of the big spatula.
    It could probably be an Olympic event, but the publicity would damage restaurant business.
    Yes I did drop one once without spilling it. It was an eggplant parmesan, and I had to put it in a new dish, obviously, which had to be heated up first, obviously, which took nearly as long as just heating a new eggplant parmesan, but since it was my fuck up, any time savings I could manage was the least I could do for the customer and the waitstaff…
    When I’m in town getting groceries and I see folks with their mask over their mouth but not their nose, I have this urge to put a clothespin over their nose.
    Please note that I said “clothespin” and not “c clamp” or “vise-grips” as I am not, in fact, a barbarian.
    I hope you are feeling OK and your family is dodging the hail of apocalypse bullets that still seem to be raining down from the clown show where our government should be,
    99 days. 864511320. Keep the faith, we’re gonna make it through this shit.

  • I am just becoming that bitch who flat out tells people in public, “Put your mask on!” Like when they are protecting their chin, or dangling it from their fingers like a decorative accessory while standing 12 inches away from someone and yakking in their face. Seriously, what the fuck is so hard about wearing a mask? So yeah, I’m that woman now. Sorry-not-sorry.

By Michelle


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