The Time Profanity Saved Christmas

T

If you haven’t read Aussa Loren’s blog Hacker Ninja Hooker Spy, do yourself a favor and check it out. She’s got fascinating stories and her travel posts take me to exotic places in such a good way that I feel like I was there. At least a little bit.

I was honored that she asked me if I’d write a guest post. I considered writing the story about the time my boss told me I wasn’t allowed to say fuck, but then decided on a different topic.

It’s time now, however, to tell the story of when I was told to not say fuck anymore.

My boss (he has since moved on from this job) was huge. He’s 6’7″ and not really on the slender side. I don’t want to call him out by name, so we will call him McGiant.

If you’ve read my blog before, you’ll know that I don’t censor myself when I write. I write how I talk.

Keep in mind, I work for a construction company in the IT department. Construction people curse a lot. IT people curse even more. We’re good at cursing.

This happened the day of our Christmas lunch a few years ago. I don’t like the Christmas lunch. I like going home for lunch. I like the people who live in my house and I prefer to spend my time with them.

I was talking with McGiant about something that I’m sure was terribly important, so he wasn’t paying attention, other than to the curse words intertwined in my speech.

McGiant: Don’t say that anymore.

Me: Don’t say what anymore?

McGiant: Don’t say fuck anymore.

Me: Hahahhahah

McGiant: …

Me: Are you serious?

McGiant: Yes. It sounds really bad.

Me: So, this is a new department thing? We’re not allowed to curse?

McGiant: Well, no.

Me: But you say fuck. All the other guys in our group says fuck. Are they not allowed to say fuck either?

McGiant: I just think is sounds crass coming from you.

Me: The only difference between me and the other people is I’m female. Please tell me that this isn’t because I’m female.

McGiant: I will admit that I’m a little sexist.

Me: I am so fucking not okay with this. There is nothing okay with this.

I left his office and told everyone in the department, one by one, that I was no longer allowed to say fuck. I wasn’t keeping this shit quiet. Fuck that.

One of the business analysts in my group is a little older and very nice. He rarely curses. We will call him Danny, because he looks like my uncle Danny.

Since I wasn’t allowed to say fuck anymore, Danny volunteered to say ‘fuck’ for me . I took him up on his generous offer.

We all gathered in the big conference room for our department Christmas lunch and the fun began. In my group, we like to hurl insults at each other. It can get pretty vicious and it’s only fun if you can curse.

Danny was very animated and demonstrative when he spoke on my behalf. Way more so than I usually am, but it still worked.

These are the phrases that Danny used on my behalf.

Fuck you.

Go fuck yourself.

Fuck off.

Fuck off and die.

There might have been more. I don’t remember for sure because it was a few years ago and I am old.

Each time Danny hurled a ‘fuck’ sentence at someone on my behalf, McGiant slumped a little further down in his chair. I didn’t think it was possible for a human to actually shrink until I saw it with my own eyes.

It came to a head when the tech support guy sitting right next to me heard me say ‘bullshit’.

He yelled down the table, “Hey, McGiant? Michelle just said bullshit. Is she allowed to say bullshit or is it just fuck that she can’t say anymore”?

McGiant slumped all the way down in his chair and muttered “I don’t care what she says. She can say whatever she wants”.

That department Christmas lunch was the best fucking Christmas lunch ever.

 

 

 

About the author

47 comments

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

  • This is awesome. I had a similar situation where I was pissed off about something and someone had the balls to ask me if I “needed” to say THAT WORD so much. I kindly looked at them and said “I absofuckinlutely do need to say fuck right fucking now! I’m fucking pissed off at these fuckin cocksuckers!” Needless to say they don’t ask me to watch my mouth anymore.

  • My boss wrote me up a few weeks ago for cursing. Granted — I work in a medical office and I shouldn’t be letting the f-bomb fly often — but I had just spent ten minutes on the phone attempting to calm a crazy, psychopathic, addicted woman who was convinced that I was the one standing between her and a refill on her oxycodone. She used every curse word in the book as she lambasted me, so I think it was perfectly understandable that when she finally told me “I hope you and your kids die a long and painful death, asshole!” and hung up that my response was, “Fuckin’ crazy bitch!”

    You would think that instead of lurking outside my cubicle, eavesdropping on the conversation (and hearing me attempt to transfer the insane patient to that same boss on more than one occasion), she would actually offer to take the call and do her fucking job for once.

    Fuckin’ crazy bitch! (I refer this time to my boss).

  • Before retiring to become a fabulously unsuccessful writer, I mostly worked for tech startups, where there are very few sentences that don’t include four letter words. So when the new president MBA called the exec team into his first meeting and ended the “about me” speech with the request that we refrain from profanity, nobody paid much attention. He put a ceramic pig onto the table and said that anyone who used profanity would have to put a quarter into the pig. Then he wanted to go around the table and have everyone introduce themselves. (Did I mention the MBA?) The first person was the Director of R&D. He opened his mouth, closed it, and pulled a $20 out of his wallet. He stuffed it into the pig then said, very precisely, “Fuck this fucking bullshit.” Then he left.

    The new president didn’t make it to week two. But we kept the pig. Anybody who said “MBA” during a meeting had to put a dollar into the pig. We used it for extra wine coolers on beer Fridays.

    [Hey, guess what? Your blog won’t let me submit if I include my blog URL. Here is latest post:http://barbtaub.com/2014/04/25/tuesday-updates-old-wives-and-pipe-staples/ Your blog says I’ve got “invalid characters”. I’ll have you know my characters are completely valid. Completely. Fuck yeah. ]

  • Perfect! The only thing better than revenge is clever revenge. I too work in a male dominated industry, on construction sites…steel toed boots, hart hats and the whole bit. I am short of stature and temper. Many of the guys that I worked with, (note past tense), took my little-ness and gender as some sort of bulls eye to be aimed at. They were quickly introduced to that short temper mentioned above 😉 ! It did however get exhausting but once they realized that I could out curse them and out dirty joke them they tended to steer clear, lest their manliness be threatened publicly. The ones that didn’t take aim, however, got the pleasure of my wit charm and truck driver vocabulary…I like to think I taught them a new word or term now and again. Nice thing is I was never told to not swear by anyone which is a blessing because it would have taken my ammo away 🙂

  • That is SO awesome, you should frame it! And, he admitted that he’s sexist, which makes it even awesomer. It’s that dreaded double-standard like that Beelzebitch I work with who always gets in super-late (today she got in around 10) yet is NEVER reprimanded.

  • Good. For. You.

    At my company they told me I couldn’t sit in at meetings because they swore a lot and they’d feel i’d be too uncomfortable with it (it was their way of pushing the single female out) I sat there and stared them in the face and said “fuck that shit and anyone who thinks that what you just said was appropriate” … I sit at the head of the table at the meetings now.

    Jawa

  • Hilarious!

    I still remember making my mother-in-law go into fits of inappropriate laughter ages ago before we were even married. She still thought of it as the F word and possibly the root of all evil and the decline of western civilization. I cured her of that… I don’t really write with it now, (my kids, their friends, their friends’ mothers, and their teachers read my blog)… but I *have* been known to use it when called for, (ahem) in private conversation, and when I’m really mad. Old habits and all…

    MIL was trying to be stern about it one night while we were camping and the neighboring campers were arguing. She started to tell me about how she can’t handle the sound of a woman saying the F word. It went like this:

    Her: I hate it when women use that language.

    Me: What language?

    Her: You know. Cursing. The F word.

    Me: The F ….word? Which word do you mean? (I like to mess with her)

    Her: You know…THE F WORD.

    Me: Oh. You mean “fuck”?

    Her: Yes-Oh my gosh. Ahhh! Stef! I can’t believe you just said that!

    Me: It’s just a word. Fuck.

    Her: Oh Lord. No. Stop!

    Me: Can you pass the fucking ketchup please.

    Her: No… WHY does it sound funny when YOU say it?

    Me: It’s just an adjective. And it makes stuff funny. Fucking funny. Fucking camping. I hate fucking camping. Can we have more fucking pancakes tomorrow for breakfast? See? It’s funny.

    Her: I hate you.

    Me: I know. Sorry. Oh, fuck. I just dropped my fucking s’mores in the dirt.

    We still laugh our ASSES off when we remember that conversation.

  • Stumbled over here from Aussa’s because I just HAD to read this story.

    IT people curse even more.

    I guess I should intuitively know this, but, I didn’t. Even after reading stories about Bill Gates having an employee that was simply there to count the number of times he said “fuck.”

    My wife and I have a friend that we met online. She alternately spent time in the Navy, working as a database administrator, and now, she drives a truck long haul. We initially met her by way of the British MMORPG Runescape, and I remember talking to her on the phone and getting pissed off at some random player, calling him a “fucktwat”. I’ll never forget how she said, “I never heard that combination before…”

  • HAHAHAHAHA! That’s awesome. I love that you called him out on it. I love that Danny played along. Best fucking lunch indeed. I have never worked at a company that “allowed” swearing like that… until I started working for myself. Fuck yeah!

  • I think that’s one of the reasons I like to bring curse words out every now and again when I am talking to A – because he told me I had been educated well enough to use other words. Honestly, after nearly 30 years he still hasn’t realised that if you want to piss me off, tell me I can’t do something – it only makes me more determined to do it. Childish – yes, satisfying – for sure !!!
    Have the best day !
    Me

    • That is such bullshit…I’ve heard that before as well…and you know what FUCK THAT…because in many cases no other word works better than fuck. It’s satisfying ..it’s expressive…it’s truly versatile.

  • Neat post Michelle. Your boss was wrong so many ways that he had it coming -almost like he was a masochist and wanted to get slammed. And slammed he got. Fine job!

By Michelle

Michelle

RSIH in your inbox



Categories