To Women Half My Age

I was you once.

Sure, maybe my shoulder pads were big and my hair was bigger, but basically, I was you.

I looked good. I didn’t buy my own drinks and I was cool with not going out until 10:00 PM or so. HAHAHAH. Fucking hell. If I stay up UNTIL 10:00 now, I drag ass like I did those days when I didn’t bother going to bed at all.

I was such a dick back then.

Some women were mean to EVERYONE. Right to their faces. I was more of a laugh behind a person’s back or make a cryptic comment kind of girl. Like the guy in the polyester suit who only wanted to buy me a drink. I kept calling him Herb as in Herb Tarlek from WKRP in Cincinnati. You younger people won’t get that reference, but people my age will. I could have just politely turned him down. I didn’t HAVE to keep talking to him just so my friends and I could laugh about it later. I didn’t have to curl my lip at chunky girls in neon clothes with the popped collars. And was it necessary to be downright IRRITATED by people with gray hair in the night clubs? What the fuck? Old people don’t get to have fun?

What. A. Dick.

The reason I’m writing this is because of Twitter. I reading through the timeline and I stumbled upon a tweet that said, ‘I’m not going to judge…but bigger women…I see what THEY wear and I don’t know why I’m uncomfortable with what I wear’.

If her avi was REALLY her avi, then this chick is probably in her 20s, built like a brick shit house and gorgeous. Why does she have to take a shot at bigger women? Why? She already looks phenomenal, why isn’t that enough?

I wish like FUCK someone had told me what I am telling you.

Don’t be a cunt. You have your youth and your life, don’t spend time running people down. Figure out WHY you want to run other people down and fix that shit. Because the problem isn’t with them.

One day you will have to examine your behavior and you’re going to be ashamed. We’re all dicks sometime, we’re fucking human. But you are going to want to process that shit and move on. That’s not going to be easy to do if you spend years or even a decade being a vapid, supercilious twat.

I’m not saying you have to be all hearts and flowers and fluffy bunnies or anything, but try to remember what Thumper’s mother said. “If you can’t say something nice, shut your fucking cake hole”.

Yes, I am aware I’ve used that one before…I just love it so much.

Hell, I’m not even setting myself up as some kind of saint here and now. I still have my moments, but they are only moments, not a lifestyle. And when I act that way, I have to answer to myself.

I’m just trying help my younger sisters out here. Be nice. Don’t be a dick.

Oh, and if you are in your 30s or for fuck’s sake in your 40s and you STILL act like this. Go get some Xanax or live in the woods or find a doctor to get the stick out of your ass. You don’t even have youth as a terribly thin excuse.

Disclaimer: To any of you who never acted that way or who don’t act that way now, I am terribly sorry about calling you a dick/cunt/twat or any other bad words I may have used.

Carry on.


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  • Far too many women in their 30’s are still acting this way. You can take the ass out of high school but not the high school out the ass

  • I’m one of those middle-aged men in the bar. If I had hair, it’d have grey mixed in with the red. And I can be a real dick sometimes too.
    I lost my train of thought. Maybe I’m just telling you I’m an old dickhead.
    No, wait, I remember now…one of my bartenders is just like that, young girl always putting people down, it’s funny to me. She doesn’t see it. She will tell me something about someone…then go talk to them, hugs, kisses, blah-blah-blah. Later, when she comes back to refill my glass…she’ll tell me all about “that bitch” or “how she shouldn’t wear clothes like that”.
    The best part is if I look at her facebook page and she is putting down all the old men that hit on her at the bar. (I’m not one of those…I stopped hitting on 20-somethings a long time ago…just no time for that drama). She’s insulting the same people that are filling her tip jar.
    I’m starting to lose my place and ramble again…I must be tired…getting old, I guess.
    Oh, yeah…so while I never was one of those…I still see them daily…and they bring a great deal of amusement into my life…I just hope I live long enough to see her when she “gets it”.

    • I could have been much worse than I was, but I did have my moments. I still do..but if I’m honest, it’s usually because I’m feeling insecure about myself.

By Michelle


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