Top 10 Reasons I Don’t Make New Year Resolutions

T

I’m not going to say I’ve never made any New Year resolutions. I am quite old. I could have and just don’t remember. I can say that if I have, it’s been over 20 years since I’ve made a new year’s resolution. I don’t make New Year resolutions.

Here are my top ten reasons why I don’t make resolutions.

Only one of them is true.

If you read these top ten reasons and neglected to read the sentence directly above this sentence then I’m going to sound like a psychotic douche twizzle.

Who wants to start a girl band with me called The Psychotic Douche Twizzles? We could be like Wendy O. Williams and the Plasmatics meet The Spice Girls. It’s going to be great. 

Anyway, here they are, the top ten reasons why I don’t make resolutions:

  • Resolutions are against my religion that I just made up. This religion also requires daily naps and that Mondays be kept holy. I am going to have to explain this to my boss. I can no longer work on Mondays because that is when the cleansing ritual of laying in bed watching Netflix and wondering if you can get your husband to bring you food happens.
  • I’m kind of lazy and I just don’t feel like making resolutions.
  • When I was a kid, I made a list of resolutions and just as I went to show them to my mother, she told me that my dog ran away. To this day, even thinking about new year’s resolutions makes me cry. I miss you Sparky.
  • I already live my life in a perfect manner. Well, no one is perfect, so you know what I mean. Nearly perfect. Anyway, my body is perfect, my hair is fabulous, and my house is immaculate. Plus, I have a rewarding and satisfying career. My marriage could be a used as an example of how to have the perfect marriage. My kids are productive and lead fulfilling lives. It would be pretty silly of me to make any resolutions when I have literally nothing I can improve upon. #SoBlessed
  • Making resolutions trigger bouts of anxiety and depression. For instance, if I were to resolve to learn how to pop a wheelie and to feed all the hungry children in the world, I would feel both depressed and anxious. Anxious because resolving to pop a wheelie probably ends with me having a concussion or a broken limb. Or, feeling failure anxiety because I’d get the wheel about an inch off the ground, which is as far as I ever got it as a kid. I don’t have to express why my failure to feed all the hungry kids would trigger depression, right? (You know what, though? We could feed a few of them.)
  • My third cousin’s next door neighbor’s Avon lady made a resolution once. It caused her hair to turn plaid. Why would anyone risk that shit?
  • I have to learn to knit first. I promised myself I wouldn’t start anything new until I learned to knit. This includes resolution making.
  • When I was a little girl, an old woman in a black robe appeared by my bedside. She told me that many years would pass, but that one day the fate of the world would rest in my hands. She said that it was imperative that I never make any new year’s resolutions because, if I did, my resolution would trigger a chain of events that would cause a person name Donald Trump to be elected president. Then, she gave me a lovely recipe for apple brown Betty, but that isn’t related to the Trump thing. As far as I know, I was very young and the whole experience was confusing.
  • I have decided to replace “resolutions” with “revolutions”. If you need me, I’ll be over in the corner spinning around in Randy’s office chair.
  • I just got through last year for crying out loud. Can a person breath for one goddamn moment before having to worry about next year?

Okay, two of those might be true, not just one.

 

 

About the author

53 comments

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

  • If your body, hair, family and job are perfect why make resolutions? Don’t bother!! 🙂 Life is good and yes you are blessed! The rest? You ARE funny as hell. Happy and Healthy New Year to you, Michelle!

  • You don’t have to explain anything to your boss! He just read it in your blog! HAHA!!!! (Sorry about that one, I couldn’t help myself.) As usual, your musings crack me up and I am totally IN for the female rock group idea. I call dibs on the tambourine! What can I say? It’s my passion! 🙂

    I’m with you on the whole “No New Year Resolutions” policy. But, I do wish for you and everyone reading a VERY Happy, Healthy and Prosperous 2016! XO
    P.S. Plaid hair would actually rock if you’re in the Psychotic Douche Twizzles! A resolution to reconsider…lol

  • Psychotic Douche Twizzles!!!!! Love it! You need to know that when I’m reading your blog and suddenly I burst out laughing, my husband looks at me waiting for me to explain myself. I never do. We’ve been married 45 years and he is amused by my laughing and crying while reading. He mostly just shakes his head when I try. Love your blog.

  • Thank you for lightening up my 2015! I opt for playing a Bongo in your band. It would make my boobs bounce cheerfully up and down, and that would be the only cheerful thing about them anymore. As always, you’re in my top 3 favorite bloggers and I hope you’ve finally got your health situation under control.
    Please stay happy & nutzoid for a long time coming, and have a very happy New Year!

    • Thank you so much! I don’t know..I’m still struggling a little with health issues, but I think it might be due to this funky weather. I get seasonal migraines and my head does NOT know what to do with this weather.

      And you get to be the bongo player! This is going to be a great band!

  • *grabs Randy’s chair mid ‘revolution’*
    *pats Rage-M’s plaid hair back into place*
    *tugging my chiffon baby-doll costume out of my sparkly tights*
    Me, too!
    (The perfect life part!)
    Don’t need no stinkin’ resolutions!
    OK, maybe I can save a few neglected horses…but I never resolve to, they just show up and I work them in….like you could do with knitting 🙂
    OMG!! I got it!! Revolutionary, if I do say so myself.
    The sans-resolution option: It starts with, “I swear I will never…”
    …and as we all know, that sentence opener alone is enough to change the course of history in it’s tracks…Don or no Don.
    “I will never… learn to knit (load a dishwasher, start a girl band, stop crying over how David Cassidy didn’t age well…)
    The Sans-Resolution could also start with, “I will always…love these shoes (wear this shade of blue eyeshadow, give my kids anything they want…)
    That way, when it DOESN’T happen, we win!!
    OK, maybe it still needs some more attention to the fine print, but it should play well with our biggest reason for the Sans-Resolution: New Year’s Resolutions suck the life out of those of us who are still trying to breathe from last year.
    I’m glad I don’t have a perfect life …very high maintenance schedule. And I kinda have my own religion, anyway – I call it worship in the Pasture of the Grateful Horse and Singing Peacock..we’re non-denominational, y’all.
    So…
    Can I revolve in Randy’s chair for a few?? I got some more details to run by you…
    Terri Lee? Can you shake that tambourine a little harder?
    Rage-M’s band could start that way….

      • Lisa K, honey, for YOU, I’ll shake it like a Polaroid picture! Haha! And please, down here in South Florida, we all watch out when we’re driving around for David Cassidy. You never know when he’ll be out cruising the town, plastered to the gills! (I used to have such a huge crush on him when I was about 12-13. Then, I read that interview he did with Rolling Stone. You know, the one with his naked picture? You talk about douche twizzles? Holy shit! I immediately renounced my David Cassidy idolatry and have not been able to stand him since. Now, Davy Jones of The Monkees fame on the other hand…I still mourn his passing!)

  • I really have to clean my glasses. I read and had the image of revolutions on an office chair, I blamed the damn glasses , and no, it was revolutions, and it just made me laugh!
    I don’t care which are true, they are all just funny!

  • Loved your 10 reasons. Your last statement is exactly how I feel too. I mean sometimes, we just want it to slow down. I feel too much pressure to be something or do something that I’ll never live up to when it’s the beginning of the year. Truth is, I’ll try for a few weeks then get back to all my bad habits. That said, have a Happy New Year, Michelle! I hope you’ll be posting about your celebrations 🙂

  • I gave up the same ole, same ole resolutions (lose weight, exercise more, get my finances in order, yada, yada, yada) years ago. For the past 3 or 4 years, I have made practical resolutions:
    One year, I resolved to finally get my passport
    One year, I resolved to finally learn how to make cornbread (I live in AL…it was kind of disgraceful)
    One year, I resolved to grow something edible (I failed at this one. my black thumb still reigns supreme)

  • I resolve from a Dsus7 to a D major; read that I resolve to PLAY SOME FUCKING GUITAR this year. Or not. Having been equipped with a penis, I can’t volunteer to play guitar in your band, although it sounds like it would be a lot of fun.

  • I also do not go out & go big on New Year’s Eve. My reasoning: I’m wiped after living through another year, and, I just don’t care. Not only do I not care, I don’t feel there is anything NEW at this time of year. January is a long, dull, fucking cold month TO BE ENDURED. I wish I could make the entire month one of your Mondays. (I know, awesome!) I need downtime so I can veg out and mope, hide, sulk, whine, and sleep. Even when I was a kid my friends said I hibernated. Who am I to go against nature? So my new year begins sometime in early spring. As it should. But to those of you celebrating, enjoy! I’d envy your energy, but envy is tiring. I think I’m in a xmas food coma. Other than that, I’m fine. Carry on. (Also, I will buy tickets to your show, should you get a tour together.)

  • I resolve not to make any resolutions. So there. And I am glad you fessed up to two of the items being true as I tagged those two truthisms right off. I’m just that perfect. Well, I mean after I accomplish all my resolutions.

  • It’s the #SoBlessed one, definitely. Not!
    That one almost made me queasy as I know my social media will be full of those tomorrow.
    As for the girl band, count me in!

    • Man..I wish you were right. Then by just NOT making any promises to myself, I could ensure there is no chance that Trump could be president. But alas, your initial instincts were right.

  • Okay those were hilarious. I think the anxiety/depression caused by failure, and we just got finished with this year for crying out loud. LOL Awesome

  • For me, I think the word keeps tripping me up. I don’t like to “resolve” to do certain things in the new year. If I make a checklist, I tend to finish it. Maybe it’s a mental thing, or I’m just mental. And yeah I do have a checklist this year, probably finish around mid year. You have had a hell of a year, girl. If you dont want to make a list, meh, don’t.

    No, not Donald Trump! The horror!

    • I actually am going to make a few changes. Good changes..attainable changes..but not so much resolutions. I need to stop flying by the seat of my pants with this writing stuff and need to have a plan.

  • I’m pretty sure the true one is your perfect life. So that being said a few changes with your writing life should be easy. Pass on your plans, cause I, too am a seat of the pants writer and need more discipline!!! Happy New Year, my hilarious friend!

  • I wanna be in your band! I play tin whistle and in a pinch I think I could bang on something rythmically.

    I love this. The only New Year’s resolution I ever kept was the one never to make any more New Year’s resolutions. My dad said that was cheating, but I think it’s as legit as anything.

  • Choking with laughter here. Would truly love to meet you – I know we’d hit it off. Delightful to know there is someone out there as quirky as me … Wishing you and your loved ones the healthiest and happiest of a 2016.

By Michelle

Get the blog by email

Michelle

Categories