If you are looking for information that will help you fix something, cook something, or generally improve your life, then you’re at the wrong blog.
I have no craft tips other than saying “eh, fuck it” and then covering whatever you are working on in glitter. I don’t offer professional services and I have no valid cleaning hacks. I don’t usually include recipes, well, unless someone pays me to, then hell yes.
Speaking of which, I haven’t gotten any new requests for sponsored blog posts so I guess if a place pays you to talk about their shit and you say…I probably wouldn’t buy it..then other outlets are hesitant to give you money to talk about their shit.
But I digress.
The point I was making is that you will never find cold hard facts here at Rubber Shoes. I don’t want to research anything because research bores me. Seriously, I never make it past the first paragraph on any Wiki article.
All that changes with this blog post. This is science. I have scientifically identified the top ten visitors who visit WebMD®©.
What science, you may ask. I will tell you. It’s the science of identifying people who visit webMD that Randy and I made up. We made this science up the same day we discovered that the limoncello that Middle Sister gave Randy for Christmas mixes really well with orange juice. So you know, recognized by 4 out of 5 scientist as a legit science.
I would explain the scientific process to you, but honestly, unless you are a little buzzed on sweet lemony liquor, then you probably wouldn’t understand it.
So, we will just get to it, then. Here you go, counting down from ten to one:
10. My doctor. My doctor doesn’t visit WebMD for the reason one would think a doctor would
search WebMD. He goes to WebMD to piece together the government scheme hidden on their site to introduce subterrestrial alien DNA into our breakfast cereal. Maybe. I mean, I don’t even know for sure if he goes to WebMD.
9. Hypochondriacs. This one was a gimme. WebMD is a sacred place for hypochondriacs. This is where we find the answer to the question that is plaguing us. And the question is: Am I dying? The answer is yes. The only thing WebMD should say is “Yes. Yes you are.”
8. New Mothers. New mothers search a variety of terms on WebMD ranging from “My baby is doing this weird breathing thing where he takes 3 short breaths and then one long one and then he sighs. Is this normal?” and “How to remove Cocopuffs from nostril”.
7. Robots. Man, you would be stunned how many robots worry about their health. Robots are horribly underrepresented on WebMD. Mostly, they search for “dance move injuries” , “Crotch rust” and “controlling oil pressure”.
6. Adolescents who are confused about where to find the porn on the internet. Probably needs no further explanation. And if you are one of those adolescents and you are now accidentally here, then go study. And brush your teeth. Pick up after yourself. Your mother isn’t your maid, you know.
5. Keebler Elves. Mostly, they search “Type II diabetes”, “Repetitive strain injuries” and “long term effects of herpes on gentle wood dwelling creatures”.
4. Witch Doctors. Witch doctors search WebMD to prepare for sermons they give warning all humans against the evil of Western medicine. Ooh Eee Ooh Ah Ah.
3. People searching for “symptoms of zombie bite”. You don’t need WebMD for this. Did someone bite you who looks and smells like they are dead? Is there a bad ass with a crossbow wearing angel wings on his back nearby? Then yes, you probably have zombie bite. You will want to eat brains. Avoid being anywhere near the bad ass with a crossbow because he will definitely cut your meal short.
2. Michelle Poston Combs. I am responsible for 23% of all searches to WebMD. I am responsible for WebMD’s high self esteem. Oddly enough, WebMD thanks me by sending me half off coupons to Mike’s Car Wash.
1. American Medical Association. The AMA searches WebMD with phrases like “Okay, explain to me again, like a child, is it feed a fever, starve a cold, or is it the other way around?”
So, there you have it, the top 10 types of people who search WebMD as proven by science and limoncello.
Also, I am incapable of not finishing the witch doctor thing. Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang.
All kidding aside (and I enjoyed your post, I really did), I’ve found sites like Web MD invaluable. Now, if only they could diagnose your ills – like maybe by you holding your finger up to the the USB port – that would be even better. And cheaper. Lots and lots cheaper.
I know it’s a good site…I just use it to torture myself. Haha. And I wish we could get a scan right from our own computers. I’d be scanning all day long.
I have a regular checkup from my MD once every year and even then I don’t talk to her about all of the stuff that bothers me. I take enough pills goddammit.
There, I knew I could turn this thing into something about me. Hah. Child’s play.
While I have a few spaces here I want to say that eyesight and health are incredibly important to me. I bet I’ve got the eye hypochondriac first in line. (You know-whatever.) My wife and daughter are going to get new glasses today. I have a pair coming in the mail. If my new script is as good as my old script I’m good. They flip that eyeball measuring tool too fast and get pissed when you ask them to do A or B again for the ‘nth time. Pricks. If it’s not good I’m going to suss out a Dr. that creates new lenses accurate to 1 diopter (or whatever-again) vs. almost everyone’s 1:100 diopter. I’ll travel. spend the night.
Great article Michelle. Has me wanting Limeoncello and orange juice. I got to bitch. What’s not to love?
Yay! I am glad you relate to it..I love it when people relate to what I write. 🙂
Seriously! How long do we have to wait for that thing they put on your middle finger to be available at home for USB uploads to WEB MD for diagnosis??
I certainly can’t keep sending them ‘selfie bumps, rashes and ‘what’s that look like to you’s”
It would be much easier with a finger scanner USB capable app.
Love Potion Number 9. I mean I’m number 9 with a closing lead on number 2.
But, sometimes, don’t you wish your doctor was going on WEB MD so he could be as smart as you?
Ooh Eee Ooh Ah Ah
Hahahha…closing lead on number 2…that is awesome
I am Catherine. I am number 9. I visit WebMD multiple times a day . This is no bullshit. I’m a hypochondriac . I’ve always been a tad if a hypochondriac but being unemployed for over a year has brought this condition to fruition. I hate Web MD.
I am right there with you. I hate it, too..and hypochondria is exhausting.
OMG. Michelle. It IS..hypocondria is so fucking exhausting. In fact–I’m going back to bed right now!
I was going to say that I wish I could join you, but then thought..well, THAT sounds weird. You know what I mean, though. I meant my bed, not your bed.
I’ll just stop now.
Going to WebMD might not be the most advisable way to diagnose, but it’s gotta be better than my way: Old episodes of “House, MD.”
I don’t know how many times I have said to friends and family when they were talking about a problem, “Well, what Greg House said was…”
HAHHAHA…that is awesome. And it’s not Lupus.
WebMd provides more info on lupus than my specialist – which has been very helpful. It’s also helped in asking the necessary questions directed at my regular physician for an accurate diagnosis since he usually has one foot out the door while writing out my bill.
Oh man…I am sure it’s very helpful to a LOT of people. I use it as a form of self torture, though.
Yes and yes. I learned quite early that WebMD isn’t my friend. I tend toward getting EVERY disease possible so it is a nightmare to go there!
Yes..I pretty much have all the symptoms. I don’t go there as often as I used to because it drives me so crazy..but sometimes, I am just compelled to torture myself.
I enjoy many of your posts, this one is really clever and I can relate. Not that I ever visit the site, but many people I know do. They are also Dr. Oz groupies and some swear by Dr. Phil.
Oh yeah, my mom is a Dr Oz nut. Dr Phil gets on my damn nerves. And thank you!!!
What is there to complain about, WebMD turned me into a professional. I visit my doctors and start telling them what tests they need to run, and that I think they should probably consult with my previous surgeon…my doctors hate me
HAHAHHA…yeah, my doctor is NEVER thrilled to hear me start a sentence with “WebMD says…”
HAHAHA!!!! I just searched WEbMD the other day myself! (Not under the influence of anything though. I’ll bet that’s an even more psychedelic experience!) I’ll bet those Keebler Elves search “where that creamy filling REALLY comes from”! Was that too gross? 😀 I’m losing my fucking marbles, truly I am.
P.S. Norman Reedus has angel wings? (Should I look THAT up on WebMD?) I don’t watch Walking Dead. I know, I’m missing out. 🙂
I looked it up—-his VEST! Aaaah! HAHA!
Dude, you are totally missing out. He’s so hot.
Terri Lee –
*holds bag of marbles*
I’ve got ’em here for you.
Creamy filling.
Indeed.
🙂
If my head explodes from reading WebMD articles, then do I turn to WedMD for the solution to put my head back together? @#*(%#@(*% Oops, head exploded again. Must go do some scientific research Wink wink walla walla bing bang
That kind of thinking is going to turn your brain to mush.
Web MD is the Devil’s spawn. #4 is correct!!
WebMD has caused a lot of grief for me..
haha….boy is this ever timely! My older daughter (who lives 6 hrs away) just experienced her first migraine 2 nights ago or perhaps something else…symptom checkers are all pointing to meningitis…and I’ve been surfing/texting her all morning. She’s seen a neuro who said it’s not meningitis (what the fuck does he know?) but I’m not at peace. I’m convinced she has something sinister, even tho I just spoke with her 5 mins ago as she cursed her way through a Walmart self-checkout with tylenol and a thermometer. Now she’s walking back to work, so obviously, not seriously ill…OR IS SHE??? Just let me look that up…
You’re gonna drive yourself bonkers.
To quote Ken Kesey: “Walla walla bing bang indeed.”
Be careful what you look for because you might find it, or if not it, exactly, then something like it…
There is that…I mean, actually being RIGHT about being sick.
I can think of many things I’d rather be right about, but if I have to be sick, then I do want to be right about what it is.
My problem is that I tend to take the most common of symptom and apply it to the worst malady. You are right, though, it’s always better to know.
11. People who can’t remember what to do after you put the lime in the coconut.
HAHAHAAHHA
HAHAHAA so much yes.
I never use it, but I swear one of my kids has been on it since she was old enough to internet, and she’s been coming to me ever since, pointing at this or that body part and saying “I think I have elbow cancer” or “I think my knee is broken right here”.
She actually inspired me to write a Dr. Mom blog post ages ago, because I LOOKED AT THAT ELBOW AND IT’S FINE, KID. We’re not just cheaping out by refusing to take you to the doctor for your condition, I promise.
Don’t get me started on PetMD though. I’m a sucker for that one…my dog may or may not have a UTI right now, or bladder cancer, based on my findings.
I tried to read my own MRI and decided I had a duck in my shoulder.
LOL, Yep. I’m always looking over the dentist’s or chiropractor’s shoulder at x-rays like, “yup, yup, see that right there? There’s my problem.”
This made me think of that old-people saying, where someone will say “I have a cold in my shoulder.” WHAT is that about? Or is it just an Idaho thing?
I never go to Web MD because I’m sure every symptom I have is chronic or fatal. So I just stay ignorant. Its so much easier.
OMG – you made me snort laugh this. Mainly because I work with a hyponchondriac who searches WebMD amongst a gazillion other sites and self diagnoses all the time. But, to be fair, she is only into natural remedies which makes for some interesting conversations/lectures !!!
Me, I just go with the ‘she’ll be right’ attitude – except for menopause because I know that you can’t just ‘she’ll be right’ menopause – it sucks the life out of you and spits you out like last nights bad taco !!
Love the witch doctor ‘jingle’ – I was singing it in my head !!!!
xox
The imagery in your comment is AWESOME…last night’s bad taco. HAHAHAHAH!
The Witch Doctor song is my actual ringtone for when my doctor, dentist, or CVS prescription service calls 🙂
I go to WebMD on the regular. I have cancer, AIDS, and prostate problems and I am female. The only reason I don’t go curl up in a ball and cry after visiting this site is because nearly every disease lists “unexplained weight loss” as a symptom. Whew. I’m good.
I was sick last summer because my medicine was messed up and a side effect SHOULD have been rapid weight loss. I didn’t get that one. I still feel cheated.
If you’re looking for help then WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU USING THE INTERNET?
Okay, I realize it’s chock full of helpful information but you can also start reading something you seriously think is a recipe for rum cake and it’s only when you get to the ninth step (“Sample the rum again”) that you realize it’s a joke. And what are you going to do with all this batter? And you’re drunk.
I realize WebMD is a solid resource with a lot of helpful information, and, like Wikipedia, people are very good about keeping it accurate, but I always worry that I’ll hit it on the one day that some hacker has put in “The way to treat your sore throat is with a battery acid enema”. And then in the emergency room they’ll say, “Why did you think this was a good idea?” and “Because WebMD said so” is about as smart as “Because I was drunk”.
Anyway I hope you got through the second paragraph of this, but if I went on too long I’ll just say I was drunk. And my current post that’s linked here is all about alcohol. Is there a twelve-step program for moderate drinkers who won’t shut up about getting liquored up?
What I am taking from this..more than anything else, is to avoid battery acid enemas.
Totally nailed the new mother bit ^-^
I still remember my kid doing that breathing thing from 17 years ago. haha.
Thanks for the Witch Doctor earworm. That’s going to be stuck with me all day.
It’s been in my head for days now.
Sometimes I worry about you, Sister, but I still crack up every single time!
Hahahaaha