Undignified Deaths: And Other Topics To Raise My Spirits

So, you know how I finally got my broke ass car fixed?

Well, the stupid motherfucking piece of shit car died again. I hate car issues. I hate them. Nothing can make me go from ‘serene’ to ‘sweaty, weeping, raging lunatic’ on the anxiety scale quicker than a broke ass car.

My baby boy works at an amusement park and he’s been driving our spare car that had been dead in the driveway for months until we got it fixed about 6 weeks ago. He called last night, about 30 minutes after I had taken an ambien, to say that the car wouldn’t start.

Randy had to be the one to get up and fetch the boy.

They left the car there over night and went back this morning and jumped it and it started up. It made it about 5 miles before it died again and to make sure we understood that it had no intention of working, it also produced a bunch of smoke.

So here I am. Wondering how much it will cost and thinking that we should just buy scooters and trying to talk myself out of a full blown anxiety attack.

I like to come up with the worst case scenario and work backward from there to make myself feel better.

I’m not dead.

My hair isn’t on fire.

My clothes haven’t dissolved and fallen off. That actually kind of happened once. On a small scale. They didn’t completely dissolve and fall off, but there was definitely a wardrobe malfunction. 

My kids are all safe. Oh god..I hope they are all safe. I think they’re all safe. And that’s an entirely different list that I really don’t need to make right now. 

I have a job.

I have one working car.

So far, this list isn’t helping a lot. I still feel a bit like my skeleton is trying to escape my skin.

We’ll start with the first one. I’m not dead. This triggers a memory of something that happened a few years ago when I was driving to work.

I was on I-75, behind a flat bed truck that was hauling two port-a-potties. I had just switched lanes to pass him, because port-a-potty man was going too slow, when one of the portable toilets decided it no longer wanted to ride on the back of the truck, broke free and sailed off the bed.

I can honestly say that there isn’t much that is more terrifying than seeing a bathroom fly through the air toward you. If I hadn’t switched lanes when I did, there is a good chance I wouldn’t be writing this right now.

An 18 wheeler was beside me, it just kind of scooted the port-a-potty in front of it. I kept going, so for all I know, it’s still driving along with a bathroom attached.

It took a good, long while to shake of the fact that I had almost been killed on the expressway by a shit receptacle, but I managed to get past it. I have to say, I’m glad I didn’t die that way. Can you imagine the funeral?

She was so young!  Her poor children and her husband, he will never recover.

Yes, so very sad. But…but..how she went? Fucking hell, that’s just hysterical. 

I have to imagine there would have been a lot of giggling at my funeral.

So, how about it? Have you ever nearly died in an undignified fashion? It can’t just be me. Tell me all about it. Cheer me up. Honestly, it doesn’t even have to be an undignified near death experience. It can be an undignified anything.

Oh, and I talked to the mechanic. 621.00 to fix my piece of shit car. Fucking hell.



Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. KK says:

    That seriously sucks, was hoping your luck would have changed for the better!
    I near got taken out by a pile of bricks that fell off the wagon in front of me, whilst I was on a driving lesson but I managed to get out of the way thankfully, but a portaloo? Yikes!
    I guess the one that would have been a terribly undignified way to go, when I used to be a cool biker chick (hahaha), my biker boyfriend did a wheelie taking off from a traffic light at just the moment I’d taken my hands off to check my lid as it was a bit loose. I ended up sat on my ass in the middle of a very busy dual carriageway. Luckily, (not so luckily for him), I was not run over by the car behind us. He finally realised about a mile down the road that he had lost his pillion passenger…….the rest I’ll leave to your imagination

  2. Rocco says:

    Isn’t that close to the price you originally thought it would cost to fix it? You thought like $1,000 right? So you are actually still under what you thought!

    • Michelle says:

      well…if you’re gonna be all positive about it.

      But yes..you are right..it IS still under what I thought we would pay. Still bummed, though. I am feeling a little better about it today. 🙂

      • Rocco says:

        I don’t blame you for still being bummed. I would be too. I’m trying to string my car along for a little longer. It’s not going well…..

        • Michelle says:

          I am so sorry to hear that. I hate car issues so much. I can keep it together for nearly everything, but car issues make me lose my shit.

          Here’s to hoping your car limps along for as long as you need it to.

  3. Bratfink says:

    Eh. MY car threw a rod on I-65 in Indiana in Lafayette, then caught fire. Had firetrucks there and everything. I slowed down traffic!
    I remember an 18 wheeler stopped and the dude came out with a fire extinguisher, which he never used after putting his hand on the hood of the car.
    That car was DEAD.
    The really fun part? The rod put a hole in the gas line near the rear of the car. It left a trail of gas from Lafayette back to Sheldon’s house where it was towed.

    • Michelle says:

      oh HELL no to that. I’m glad you didn’t burn up!!

      • Bratfink says:

        Thanks! I’m glad you didn’t get pooed to death.
        I must say though that my grandfather had the most undignified REAL death that I know of.
        He was taking a shit on the pot and had a stroke and BOOF! Tumbled right off the shitter onto the floor, dead as a doornail. My grandma had to get one of her boarders to help her drag him out of the bathroom.
        Later, grandma said, “I always told Johnny he was straining too much.”
        True story.

  4. Marianne says:

    As my granny used to say, if it has testicles or tires, it is sure to give you trouble.

  5. stef says:

    Ahh, damn. Laughing and sympathizing at the same time. I have no car, if that helps. My daughter has the only car, and it’s in the shop this weekend for a CV axle, radiatior, starter, A/C fix, oil leak and a bunch of other stuff which will hopefully result in less of that “say a prayer that this thing starts”. Every time. Not cool. I worry about her starting it every night to come home from work at 10:30. I feel your pain.

    I’m driving a rental for the second time this month, and re-renting something else for another week starting tomorrow. I’m a regular at Avis now. Which is great, because they’re new cars (with A/C, yay!) but sucks because MONEY. We *may* have found a used car to buy, though, so–here’s to the freedom to drive places whenever I want again, while also adding a second car to the list of things we have to hope don’t break down.

    Your freeway story is scary, and funny. Hard to be at that funeral…”So sad. How did this happen? –She got hit by WHAT???”

    I almost got T-boned by a moose once, if that qualifies…but it’s nothing like a flying outhouse.

  6. qwertygirl says:

    To the best of my knowledge I have not been almost killed in a horrific manner. Although for all I know, my life is like that cartoon ending in which the unsuspecting rabbit or cat goes walking off into the sunset, and each time he takes a step forward, a safe or a grand piano or some other heavy object falls from the sky and lands exactly where he was last standing. The sidewalk behind me may be littered with anvils and hods of brick for all I know.

    I can tell you about the time my timing belt broke on the highway in rush hour and I sat there for an hour on the shoulder before a cop stopped to ask if I was ok (this was BCP–Before Cell Phones). But it’s kind of anticlimactic, because that right there is the whole story, and I forget how much it was to fix it, but it probably wasn’t THAT much because it was 1994 (although at the time I probably thought it was a lot).

    I can tell you that my coworkers now have concrete proof I’m over here fucking off on the internet, because I keep scrolling back up to your post to reread parts of it, and I’m giggling as I do. But if they haven’t figured out before now that I’m a total fucking slacker, then they’re just not bright. I think they all know, and I’m not helping them to make any startling new discoveries.

    I can tell you that I don’t want to work, but you probably figured that out on your own.

    • Michelle says:

      You and me both, sister…you and me both. It’s like torture being there…I am eternally grateful for blogging…writing one and reading them…it’s a life saver for my inner slacker. And my outer slacker.

  7. Me says:

    That sucks big time !!!!!!
    I can’t say that I have been nearly killed at any point – oh yes, except the time I nodded off while I was driving and came within inches of side swiping a recycle truck – that was particularly scary if not very undignified although I felt rather undignified when I realised what I had done and my hair was standing straight up !!!!
    Can you get a second opinion from another mechanic ????
    Have the best day you can !
    Me xox

    • Michelle says:

      That IS pretty damn scary

      I probably COULD..but I already authorized the repair…I just want the car back. It’s too hard for 3 drivers to share one car

  8. I read your title and was already laughing. I swear to the stars above that next time a contest thingy comes around for funniest blogger, I’m SO NOMMING YOU!

    Okay, so that sucks giant donkey balls (why is it always donkey balls? Are they the worst nad out there?) and I have genuine sympathy for you because DAYUM car problems are the WORST.

    That story about the shitter flying past you on the highway is so funny I’m almost jealous of it. Almost.

    • Michelle says:

      You are awesome..thank you!!

      Yeah, the flying toilet was fucking terrifying at the time.

      I don’t know why donkey balls are so bad. I bet gorilla balls are horrible. Giraffe balls are probably okay.

      That sounded more weird than I intended.

  9. Carrie says:

    I would laugh wholeheartedly if you died by port-a-potty. And I’d send Lysol to your funeral, because there is no way that stink is coming out of your corpse.

    I have plenty of “I should be dead” stories, but they really aren’t funny. Instead, I suggest you read up on the Darwin Awards, where people really have died doing stupid things. It’s good for a laugh.

  10. I have to tell you…as much as I don’t want to, I had to laugh at this. I mean, it would have SUCKED to die that way and I’m very glad you didn’t but just the thought of the port-a potty flying…. I can’t come up with anything to compare to this story.
    Sorry about the car. That’s a pretty hefty bill. I hate car trouble.
    Glad you’re still with us.

  11. Jana says:

    My condolences on the illness of your car — I hope it gets better quickly!

    I almost was hit by a train one time — I was driving and not really paying attention. I had crossed these tracks about a gazillion times and just assumed they weren’t in use anymore. I came flying around the curve and just happened to glance to my right — and the train was RIGHT THERE! I slammed on my brakes and managed to stop before I was locomoted — but it had my heart slamming around in my chest for about an hour afterwards.

    I’ve always thought if I had to go, I’d like to do it in a big way. Getting hit by a train would make the news…so would a parachuting accident or being eaten by a shark.

    I may be an attention whore — because, after all, it’s all about me 😉

  12. Pieter says:

    Yes, I can see the headline already: Woman found under piles of shit. And in a little corner at the bottom the advertisement for a very good, but freakishly cheap, mechanic.

    Great story.

  13. Cassandra says:

    No undignified death stories, but I totally hear you on the car. Just had an engine light problem a couple of weeks ago. Paid a few hundred to have a sensor replaced. Three days later (THREE DAYS) engine light is back on. Take it back to the shop and the guy says, “this is the OTHER oxygen sensor. The fact it wasn’t working was probably masked by the fact that the other one was broken.” WHAT?! So now I have to spend a few hundred more to get that one replaced.

    If there’s a third oxygen sensor, I’m junking the car.

  14. AlienCG says:

    My condolences for your car.

    Also, it is a good thing that you switched lanes when you did, or I would have to say something like, “Well, she always did have a potty mouth, so it’s only fitting…”

  15. Steph says:

    Holy shit! I’m sick and I shit myself twice yesterday while feeling like I might die. Does that count?

  16. katie metzroth says:

    I’m so glad you didn’t die on the fwy.
    I grew up in Houston and learned to drive on the freeways there. When I go back to visit, I always say I feel like I’m home when I have a near death experience behind the wheel.
    Houstonians like to drive 75 mph. bumper to bumper. in the rain.

  17. maurnas says:

    I’m pretty sure my entire life is just a string of undignified experiences and near death experiences. That’s why I have so much blog fodder. And yes, I would have laughed my ass off at any funeral where someone died in that manner. No offense.