The Joys of Vertigo and Magic Crystals In Your Ears:

So, I have had a full week of vertigo.

Not the Alfred Hitchcock movie. I wish I had spent the last week with Vertigo on repeat rather than always feeling like I just stepped off the Tea Cup ride after having been on it for an hour. Probably.

I mean, I am sick to death of laying in bed and watching TV. I’d probably be completely bonkers if I had to watch the same thing the whole time.

I mentioned something on Twitter about having vertigo and, man, a lot of people have experienced the same thing.

I got a lot of boat sailing in a circlegood information about vertigo. People tweeted causes like brain tumors, MS and something called Mal de Debarquement Syndrome. Not gonna lie, but the last one sounds kind of fancy.

Being a hypochondriac, some of those tweets added another whole complex layer of circular thoughts.

I’m not awesome at being left alone to my thoughts.

Last week, I literally spent days on my back, slightly propped up, and not moving at all. There’s only so much Words With Friends that can distract me from my thoughts.


On the outside chance someone who tweeted something about brain tumors, MS or Mal de Debarquement Syndrome is reading this, you are in no way responsible for my hypochondria.

In fact, you did me a favor. I was at the point where I was ready to do a deep dive in the possible causes of vertigo. Those tweets covered all three of my hypochondria anxiety categories. “Worst Fear”. “Holy shit, that would suck” and the worst one “The Unknown”.

The unknown cause always starts with “A rare and poorly understood condition that blah blah blah blah blah”  which is literally the first sentence I read when I googled Mal de Debarquement Syndrome. Except for the “blah blah blah” part. So anyway, those tweets ended up being a real time saver.

Also, had I done my deep dive, I might have found some other terrifying causes. I may have even needed to make up a few more anxiety hypochondria categories. I finished season two of Friends and don’t have time for that if I want to get through season three before going back to work. 

Anyway, my issue is likely BPPV, (Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo), which is caused by crystals being misaligned in your ear.

I had no idea we have crystals in our ears.

Fucking crystals?

It made me think of shops filled with those healing power crystals. And how those shops always smell like patchouli.

Instead of doing a dive on vertigo, I jumped into the world of crystals. Of course, the part of my brain that was ready to jump down a hypochondriac rabbit hole adjusted and came along.

Clear quartz helps with balance? Then, my friend, you have the opposite of clear quartz in your ear. You have a lump of coal in your ear. Apparently, you’ve been naughty. 

Oh, look! Moonstones promote positive thoughts. The last positive thought you had was when you were positive you had a brain tumor. Or Mal de Debarquement Syndrome.

Don’t you wish you could pick which crystals are in your ears?  I’d pick sapphire. It eases anxiety, depression and insomnia. The crystals you have now do the opposite. Your crystals cuddle anxiety and depression and they worship their god, insomnia. 

Tiger’s eye helps you make clear, conscious decisions. I bet Charlie Sheen has Tiger’s eyes in his ears. 

Jasper is the supreme nurturer. Jasper promotes courage, quick thinking and confidence. Huh. You probably have Jasper’s bitter cousin, Maynard. 

So, turquoise is considered a good luck charm? HAHAHAHAFUCKINGHAHAHA. Yeah, good luck with getting out of bed and not smashing into the wall the next time you have to get up to pee. 

I took a quiz to see what crystals I need.

Apparently, my root chakras need some TLC.

The root chakra sits at the base of the spine and it’s where fear and trust issues reside. I’m not really sure what a chakra is, but I think if you shake it, it makes noise. Also, I’m not stunned that the quiz indicates fear and trust issues. Maybe, I should pick up a Smoky Quartz or a lodestone. Or maybe a Maynard. I definitely need something.

I’m going to a physical therapy appointment first thing tomorrow morning. I’m hoping they just wrap this shit up for me. Because for all that is holy, I’m tired of being dizzy. And I am sick to death of my stupid bed. Friends has been funny, though.

For the record, I like patchouli.


Photo by Sanndy Anghan from Pexels


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  • Oh man, my sympathies! An entire week of that! I barely survived 2 days. Fortunately, I had it a LONG time ago and hasn’t (knock wood) come back for a return visit. I think at the time, a doctor prescribed a prescription strength version of Dramamine (different name) and I thought that giving me motion sickness meds was stupid. But it did go away – though I think it probably would have gone without them. Question – how are you going to do PT when any movement makes you feel like falling down & throwing up? Please, please be better soon!

    • Randy will be driving me. I’m feeling better than last Sunday. Now I feel like I have a moderate hangover. It’s miserable, but I can walk and basically function.

  • Oh, my goodness, My poor Friend 🙁 I am so sorry you are going through this!! This is one of the times I wish I could say, with confidence and authority, “This oil, this rock and this sound frequency will fix you right up!”
    Or wave my long-distance magic wand with the clear quartz crystals…
    I have had a couple of dizzy spells, very disorienting and made me nauseous.
    I don’t know how you’ve gone a week, either.
    You’d think with all our hi-tech gear they would be able to just flush it out like bad ear wax.
    I gotta say, tho – your sense of humor and subject accuracy have not failed you 🙂 You are in top Olympic writing form!
    I’m pretty sure you nailed the ‘REAL’ crystal lifestyle vs. the crystal ideology <3
    And I, too, wish you had sapphires in your ears, much like the golden egg laying goose, …and I think a crystal named Maynard HAS to be a cure for something. Even if it's just the best throwing rock, ever 🙂

    Feel better, Sweetness – I hope relief is right around the bend and the physical therapy is doable – Randy's been on a Conspiracy Goat roll this last couple of weeks, so grab Dude and take him for the ride – you never know what shenanigans can happen during physical therapy *wink-wink*

  • Oh, Michelle, you have my empathy! I’ve had that before and it is the worst, because it pretty much disables you. The majority of causes of that feeling are benign, BPPV being one of the most common. Those crystals be damned! They perform exercises called Epley Maneuvers, (I think that’s what they’re called). It rearranges your crystals to put them back where they belong. Ear organizing, as it were. They move your head in different positions and wait until the dizzy feeling subsides, then ,move your head again and do the same, until everything is settled back in. A side note: Fluctuating hormones during perimenopause can also cause these dizziness, as can a simple thing like impacted ear wax. I’ve also read where many people who work at computers and on devices all day start to experience dizziness with the movement of scrolling and things like that. The entire human race is sickening itself with technology. Please feel better soon and keep us updated! I’m praying it’s a quick fix! And I like patchouli, too. XO

  • Hi Terri!!! <3 You seem to pop in at just the right times 🙂 I do miss our douche twizzle rockstar banter 😉 *hugs*

    Michelle – I forgot to mention that it is very normal for people like 'us' (narcissism survivors) to have misfiring red chakras. We have literally had our power and courage and strong stances ripped out from under us. A very easy and non-invasive way to work on that root connection and 'red' frequency is to get a red bookmark, or a red pencil or even just a red sticky note.
    But not at night <3 Use blue, purple and green at night.

    I'm really glad Terri was able to give you that scenario preview- it always helps to hear from someone who went through it <3

  • Ahh… PT, “pain and torture” as they were calling it when the good professionals of the Alameda County Medical Center took me in on a gurney and worked their magic on me until I left walking with a quad-cane.
    Really, one of the best things that has ever happened to me, for which I am endlessly thankful. (Thank you Edmer, Sandra, Gina, Vanna and Adolf! I’m still out here walking around with that quad-cane. In fact, I have new rubber tips for it coming in the mail from Amazon tomorrow.)
    I hope you have as good of an experience with PT as I did, balance issues really suck. Remember that they sometimes seem to take a while, but progress is progress.
    Good luck!

  • My 20 year old cat, Vinny, was diagnosed with idiopathic ventricular syndrome, aka Kitty Vertigo, on Memorial Day weekend. Who knew?! The vet gave him Bonine, motion sickness medicine, but it just made him drowsy. I did ask about repositioning the crystals in his ears and she sighed and said, “we don’t do that on cats.” Why Not?! I’m happy to say he’s 80% recovered, still crunching kibble, pooping and has a badass attitude. I’m grateful. Fortunately, PT works for humans. I’m sure you’ll be dancing in no time. You’re already badass! This is wonderful writing, Michelle.

  • In case no one has shared this, it could be caused by tension in your neck muscles. That happened to me. Lots of time spent sitting and looking at a computer monitor intensely can do that to you. I found a wonderful chiropractor who does muscle release therapy and other manual techniques (not just bone cracking). Fixed me right up! Good luck!

  • Only you could make Vertigo (not the movie) hilarious, Michelle! Good luck with your appointment. Sending moonstones and sapphires your way…

  • For some reason, the comments section is not allowing me to reply to individuals on here, so I wanted to say hi to Lisa! I also miss our rants, keen observations and deep insights into the plight of humanity! <3

    And to Marcia SAulo, I did not realize that muscle tension in the neck could cause dizziness. I've often had brief spells when I've been on my computer for long periods of time and I feel the tightness and pain in my neck. Sometimes the tension wraps around into my forehead. I'm changing doctors and this time, I'm going to try a DO. They're like regular PCPs but also have training in musculoskeletal maneuvers to help align everything. They sound similar to a Chiropractor but can prescribe meds if need be. I want to thank you for bringing that up because I hadn't realized simple neck tension could produce that symptom.

    Lastly, I adore you Michelle, you are such a crazy presence in this life, in the best way possible. I did also read that some people, usually about a week or so after their Covid vaccinations, have complained of dizziness and vertigo. Also sudden onsets of panic attacks. Not trying to scare anyone at all, I'm just providing info I have seen online. It is NOT common, but enough have experienced it that there's a forum for it.

  • Just FYI, there is a condition called Viral Labyrinthitis – in other words, a viral inner ear inflammation that causes dizziness. Have hope – this too shall pass! The PT will help, but so will time, and drinking lots of (non-alcoholic) fluids. Good luck!

By Michelle


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