I wrote this a few weeks ago.
As open as I am here, there are people in my family who, while they tolerate this hobby of mine, are extraordinarily private. I won’t say much, I will just say it’s been a very scary couple of days due to illness and the hospitalization of someone I love more than air. The storm has passed and all is well. Or at least on the way to wellness.
I re-read this piece this morning and wanted to go back in time a few weeks and gather myself into my arms and whisper in my ear “Oh, sweetie…the storm is still coming. Hold on, baby, because this is going to be rough.”
It’s good to be on the other side of this.
—————————————————————————————————————
The anxiety is as bad as it gets right now. I am typing these words and coming to the realization that my anxiety has gotten away from me. My hope is that when you read these words the storm will have passed. I have to believe this.
December 23rd and we are at the beginning edge of a severe thunderstorm. There are warnings that tornados could develop. So, you know, the traditional Christmastime weather. It’s always nice when el Nino sends holiday gifts.
I stood on my deck earlier and watched the black clouds go rolling by and tried deep breathing. I had to work at stopping the thoughts that revolved around the deaths of my children or grandchildren or Randy. My anxiety isn’t fucking around. It came out swinging and is going for the KO.
I can’t stop shifting around, like a kid who has to pee. I know I should medicate, but I’m feeling a bit paralyzed and am currently in an argument with the dillweed inside my head who is insisting I am fraud.
I feel this anxiety, but I don’t feel that I have a right to it. I don’t have a reason to feel this out of control. I am weak. I talk about anxiety but this isn’t anxiety. This is just a highly unpleasant state of being that makes me feel like I want to crawl out of my skin. It makes me feel like screaming and it makes me feel like crying. But I’m not doing any of those things. I’m just laying on my bed, writing, and feeling electricity thrum over my skin and behind my eyes. It’s not anxiety, though. Anxiety is something that other people have. I don’t know what I should call what I have.
I wish I could articulate how I feel about myself. I have wished this for many years. I can try, but it won’t be quite right.
I feel like I’m not all the way formed. Like part of me is missing. But that isn’t right. That’s not what I mean. I don’t feel like anything is missing, just that what I have is not made up right. Or behind a thick layer of scratched up plexiglass. What part of me? I don’t have a fucking clue.
I just know that I feel like I exist just a few inches away from myself. I am not present. Maybe that’s it. I feel like part of me is a stranger. That part of me is hidden and that hidden part is what would make me formed. It would make me like other people. Then I could call what I have anxiety, because that’s what people get.
I can make it better with anti-anxiety medicine. One would think that would be enough to convince me that I have regular anxiety, like other people. Not some weird mental disorder that is so rare and so obscure that it only affected one person in all the history of time.
I think about my father and his narcissism. I think about how he is perfect and has always been perfect. Special. Right. It is not lost on me that I am talking about my father’s narcissism immediately following a statement about me being so unique that no one else could ever possibly be feeling what I’m feeling.
He spent his life filled with bravado. Feeling entitled to something more and cheated because he never got the life he felt he deserved. He was more than worthy of an easy life, he was owed one.
Then he procreated and I’m starting to wonder if the universe doesn’t always find a way to right the scales. To find balance.
My father was more worthy than other humans. My father was owed. I am not sure what he was owed, but he was owed something.
How better to balance the scales than for his child to bear the opposite? If he was owed, then I had debt to pay. If he was worthy, then I was not. He was larger than life and my job was to be a reflection of him.
It’s hard being a reflection, yo.
Reflections aren’t real. They are not corporeal. They are not a formed and functioning human.
Much of my frustration comes from not knowing how to accept and believe I am a whole person. I am not and never have been a reflection.
Mostly, I don’t worry about this. I don’t fret over the fact that I’m not entirely inside myself.
It also occurs to me, that even though I don’t feel like I’m all the way here or that I’m too far removed from myself or not completely formed, I am still okay.
In fact, I kick ass. I’ve been kicking ass for years.
I try to not mourn the years I’ve lost being afraid. Settling. Sometimes, I do mourn, though. When anxiety is kicking my ass, that’s when I come to this place. This place where I am afraid I will lose the people I love. Where I fear for my health. This is the place where I question my existence. Where I question my validity or worthiness. This is where I examine myself and think “Who the fuck are you? I mean, really. Who are you?” Sometimes, I answer that question but the answer feels like a lie. Sometimes, the answer feels like mostly true, but not quite, and other times that I know that every word in my answer is a lie.
I’m not trying to answer tonight. I’m tired. Lightning is flashing through the curtains and the thunderclaps are absurdly long. I’m going to try to find a little Christmas spirit. I still have another day.
I’m better than I was at the beginning of this post. I didn’t have to wait for you to read this. I’m not great, but I’m not bouncing off the walls, either.
The xanax helps.
I’m glad the storm has passed, figuratively and literally.
You are funny, kind, creative, caring and most importantly, self aware, which makes you more whole than the vast majority of people.
Hold on to that when you feel you have a bit missing. You are awake, conscious of your actions and how they impact other people, so many are not and don’t care.
Much as I would love to wake up and not feel anxiety and self doubt/loathing, at least the insight I’ve gained surrounding it and narcissism makes me a slightly better human being with a degree of empathy for others that many seem to lack. I don’t know if it is a consequence of being broken but I suspect it might be.
Here’s hoping for a healthy, happy new year!
Thank you sister…I so look forward to your words. They are like a little security blanket. 🙂
You is smart.
You is kind.
You is loved.
That’s what I tell my kids, my boss, my friends…and MYSELF when I sense a ‘less than healthy’ emotional upheaval going on.
(Yes, it’s also a misquote from the movie “The Help” but that’s the least of my worries…copyright infringement 🙂
I have also been known to ask, “What, God, how tough am I gonna have to be?” during especially ‘heavy duty’ lesson-learning episodes of life.
That’s the one that scares me the most. When I survive a potentially devastating life transition, I always wonder how tough I’m going to have be if this was just a practice session.
Not enough Xanax in the world…even with a whiskey chaser.
Like you said in the opening paragraphs, “Oh, sweetie…the storm is still coming. Hold on, baby, because this is going to be rough.” I would also like to be able to tell my future self, “You better hold on to something.”
But…it might also put me back in my box. Forever.
So, instead, we do this:
Reach out.
Accept kind words.
Hide in our bedrooms.
Smile at strangers.
Save a horse.
Read fellow Sister blogs.
*hugs Rage-M*
Coffee with you, tomorrow morning, too?
This is lovely, thank you so so much! I am sending you big fat inappropriate kisses.
Your post makes me wonder if I’m worthy enough to reply coherently.
I am one who has a weird mental illness, not to the degree you describe but it’s proven to be one percent of the mentally ill. Ain’t I special?
I feel anxiety. I’m one of those other people. I feel it to the point where it got me introduced to all of the fine people on the local, locked mental health ward. Fine folks. My point is, anxiety is normal for certain situations. My anxiety makes me feel as if I have something in common with others. I can identify.
Do I like it? Oh hell no. I take medicine to thwart it. Sometimes it works.
You, like me. will get over the rough spots as long as we don’t fucking give up. For instance, out of 65 ‘friends’ at Facebook 5 of my friends committed suicide. Not an option. There is a force bigger than me and if there isn’t will I know?
There isn’t an icy hot pad that will fix what you have. It doesn’t need fixing. Acceptance of it will ease it, it does for me.
Yes….I am finding acceptance is bringing me more peace than anything.
I am glad you are here. 🙂
Michelle, honey, it’s so ironic. Your words are a tremendous comfort to me, and so many others. I want to give you comfort with my words. But, it’s You, in your head. You have to walk that lonesome valley, by yourself, to the place of wholeness and self-acceptance.
But, you can look back at how far you’ve come, especially after the rough times. You are an inspiration to us readers, who have to keep on trudging our own shitty paths.
Thank you, Eleanor!
Even with all the bullshit of the past few days, I am in a decent place right now. You are right though, no matter what, our journeys are ultimately ours to take.
You astound me at times, Michelle, with your posts. I’ve told you that before, but it’s true. You’ve described in excruciating detail exactly where I’m at right now. I am alone after Paul’s death, with no help to speak of and trying to get through my day-to-day existence as best as I can. (I was informed by my brother in law only one week after my husband’s passing that my anxiety makes him “angry” with me, due to his not “getting it” and he quit mowing my lawn—announced by text, no less—in a fit of pique just yesterday afternoon. He advised me to hire a lawn service, because he wasn’t my “lawn man”. He volunteered to do it originally, supposedly to help! My sister? She’s called to “check on me” from time to time, but I have not seen her in person since my husband passed away. Not for a hug, not for a talk, nothing. When I was growing up, I was always told by my father that no one would ever love me the way my family does (turns out, that was a GOOD thing! LOL) and I would not be able to take care of myself on my own. I had anxiety as a child, but it didn’t become a full-fledged anxiety disorder until I hit my mid-teens. I’ve lived with it all my life, although it has ebbed and flowed throughout. There absolutely ARE times when you are trying to be still and peaceful, but you can feel that electric current running just underneath your skin and buzzing in your brain. You think, “Why was I wired this way and no one else seems to be?” Except, it appears that there are others wired that way. You, for one! Haha! So, let’s revel in and embrace our electrical weirdness, simply because I see no other alternative. Not at the moment, at least. Anyone know where I can buy an affordable reel mower that works really well? Hell! Autoimmune condition be damned! Maybe I can do my OWN lawn and my b.i.l. the control freak can go attempt to “punish” and manipulate someone else!
P.S. And I am bearing it all with no meds (or alcohol) of any kind, so wish me well! Thank you for being there with your blog, Michelle. Honestly! It really helps me feel not so “unique” and that isn’t always such a bad thing. 🙂
Oh! By the way! Winter is finally upon us for a few days! It is around 64 degrees right now and very wet and damp. Yesterday, it was in the 60s and lower 70s and a gorgeous, sunny day. I liked that one better. Haha! (Supposed to be going back up to 81 by week’s end though.)
Good Morning, Terri Lee 🙂
First off… look into a goat. Or goats. Mini goats are easy-keepers. I use horses and a goat for most of my yardwork. You DO have to lower your standards… and opt-out of a lot of floral variety, but, hey…ecology at it’s finest.
And they’re cute.
Second-ly. I was once told by a rehab counselor that I will not die of ‘terminal uniqueness.’
Asshole thing to say at the time, but I refer to it the most when trying to figure out how bad off I have it today.
Mommy used to start a lot of her admonitions with, “When it happened to me… ”
Daddy liked to say, “Straighten up, people are looking.”
Ah well.
And here we are.
Making sure nobody else feels worthless or unaccounted for.
Hmnn.
I am aware now. (Madonna…late 80’s.)
Yes, your BIL is a dick. Sorry for that. I imagine his voices are on ‘mute’ when he sleeps at night.
Too bad our mute buttons don’t work that well.
Good morning, Lisa K., 🙂
Why, for the love of all that is holy, do the best people live so damned FAR from me? HAHAHA!!!! You don’t even have HALF the story with my b.i.l., but yes, you hit the nail on its proverbial head with that one. It’s as if you have known him all your life! (Or since nine years of age, like me. My sister is ten years older than I am.)
I SO wish I could have a goat or two! I live in a city where I would be fined for having them. Although, many residents down here probably have them for their Santeria rituals. (Poor goats!) Wait….do you think I could get away with having them by stating that I’m allowed my religious freedom? I might be on to something here! LOL!
Thank you for brightening my day, Lisa! You are awesome and very “unique”, if I may say so. XO
I am so sorry you are living through this and your BIL sounds like a twat monster. Sheesh.
Thank you for being here and for so freely sharing your experiences. It’s good to not be alone, isn’t it. I mean, even if we are kind of alone, we know there are people who ‘get’ it.
I just subscribed to your posts yesterday, smiling inside ’cause I related to your sense of humor and looking forward to reading more. Today… is different. As I was reading this post, I thought, wow, she’s so self-absorbed, so intense. Why does she put so much time into these thoughts and feelings only to come up empty-handed in the end or only to be distracted by something else in the next millisecond. All the while, I’m realizing, of course, that I have had those thoughts, have those thoughts, and probably will have those thoughts (or something very similar) as yours. I’ve decided that it’s a game we play with ourselves and we’ve programmed ourselves to play it lots and lots of times. The anxiety isn’t so much not having answers to these questions that are so monumentally important one minute and then not given a second thought in another minute… I think the anxiety is simply that we’re just feeling low and could use a giant hug or stroke of the hair or somebody to smack us and genuinely laugh at our silliness. Only it doesn’t come at that very moment when we’re beating ourselves up with this cerebral nonsense. If you need a hug, kiss, or a laugh (or some venting), why not ask for it. When we feel like a latte, we go out and get one. Nobody around? Then you’ll have to step up to the plate. Stop taking yourself so seriously! Turn the fucking thoughts off and get busy with something… anything! Anyways, like I said, this was for me as much as for you. Now, on to the next post where hopefully I’ll get a chuckle.
Mari, anxiety disorders are not like the regular anxiety the average person experiences. Believing that a smile or hug is all an anxious person needs is similar to people who tell a clinically depressed person to just “snap out of it”. A hug or a smile is nice and is certainly better than judgment or criticism, but those alone won’t cure it. What I love about Michelle’s blog is that she writes about REAL life, warts and all, and that makes her so much more human and relatable. She writes it with much candor, and yes, most of the time, with brilliant humor and insight. Give the blog a chance; I think you’ll be glad you did.
*nodding in agreement*
Thanks, Terri Lee, well put.
I speak from personal experience, Lisa! *humble shrug* 🙂
While I’m sorry you speak from personal experience I’m glad you’re speaking up about it. Like you I appreciate Michelle writing about her life and her experiences in detail. Some of us are lucky to have never dealt with anxiety or depression but Michelle and others like her help us get some small idea of how difficult it is. And while saying “just snap out of it” isn’t helpful maybe–just maybe–with that understanding we can find some way to help.
Thank you, Christopher. I think the best way anyone can help people who are suffering from anxiety or depression is to just listen in a non-judgmental manner. Sometimes, just be heard and even better, to be understood, gives us enough breathing room to win that particular battle and move on before the next one starts.
Hi Mari
I have thought long and hard about my response to this comment. I’m tired and scared because someone I love came very close to dying and it and lashing out at you (honestly, it was the self-absorbed comment) would have been a way to release some of this pent up fear and anxiety that I’m feeling.
I’m not going to do that, though. Why was I most upset by the self-absorbed thing? I guess because that behavior scares me the most. Being raised by a person with narcissistic personality disorder means that I understand all too well what it’s like to be near the self-absorbed and that is the last thing I want to be.
That being said, I probably am somewhat self absorbed..we learn what we learn. And there is the fact that this blog is about my experience and comes from my head, so it’s going to revolve around me to a degree no matter what.
I don’t just write humor. I write what I am feeling at any given moment, and I am so glad that I have. I have come such a long way toward dealing with my anxiety and depression and self loathing from writing about it and finding other people like me. It feels good to make connections and to have a tribe. This blog will never just be humor because that isn’t who I am. I am trying to live as genuinely and authentically as I can and writing about these things helps me on that path.
I will disagree with you that anxiety is just us feeling low and if it’s a game, then it’s the shittiest game on the planet. I have spent decades beating myself up because I wasn’t strong enough to JUST STOP FEELING BAD. I wish it were as easy as getting a hug or a latte, but it’s not. Coming to that realization has done more for me than all the hair stroking in the world. Forgiving myself for having a illness that I cannot control has done more for me than anything as far as dealing with anxiety disorder.
As far as taking myself seriously…again, it would be so nice to just not fret and worry and to quell the buzzing in my brain, but that isn’t an option. I have had anxiety disorder since childhood. I drank anti-acids as a bedtime snack through out my childhood. I am better now and am nearly always irreverent and find humor in a lot of things that others take seriously, but that doesn’t mean that I get to use that as a way to get out of feeling the way I feel.
I have tried to turn the thoughts off. I have tried for decades. When I couldn’t, then I felt like even more of a failure, so I got off that ride.
I can’t turn this off and on. I can accept that it is a part of me and I know writing about it helps.
I understand that this isn’t for everyone, but I would like to say to you that I hope you find the peace you need in your life.
*falls on floor*
*raises to a half bow at Michelle*
*clutches Michelle’s skirt*
“So, no biting?”
Perhaps a light nibble?
*drags self back up to sitting*
*puts muzzle back on*
“That’s what my therapist said.”
May I just interject here, that I believe what some people mistakenly take for being “self-absorbed” may actually be “introspection”. We can help ourselves heal if we take the time to examine ourselves closely and get to the root of why we do, say, think the things we do. It’s your blog, you write about your life and life experiences. It just so happens that there are many more of us like you out there and we recognize you as a tribe member.
And Lisa K.: Maybe if you ask her nicely. HAHA!!!
Thank you, Terri Lee…introspection sounds so much better than self-absorbed. That being said, I think it’s fair to say that very much of this writing is introspection. It’s also fair to say that I am sometimes self-absorbed. I don’t even feel bad for saying this. Do you have any idea how good it feels to say that? Being self absorbed is completely unattractive and not something I want for myself. But I accept that I am flawed. We are all flawed. It feels good to not shrivel up in shame because I have to accept that there are things about me that need work or are less than desirable.
We’re all on a journey of some sort, aren’t we? I love this tribe.
Being able to make words like “introspection” take the place of the negatively assigned “self-absorption” is why we spent soooo much time and money on therapy and pills.
I was told once, after a particularly spectacular verbal win, that THAT was the reason I got sober.
Obviously, Michelle has learned her lessons well (Madonna…late 80’s 🙂 and used her new behaviour and thought processes to bring us all back to center.
Because. Biting.
and stabbing.
I wish I could ask nicely…and just nibble.
I haven’t learned my lessons that well. Yet…
🙂
*high five’s Terri Lee*
*winks at Michelle*
I have an enormous headache..and life is massively stressful right now and this STILL made me laugh out loud. Thanks for that. 🙂
Mari: I’ll say what Michelle is too polite to say: if you don’t want to read someone’s “self-absorbed” thoughts, then stick to newspaper articles, and stay away from blogs (aka personal journals.) It’s clear that you were trying to soften this by making it about you, but it didn’t work.
I really enjoy the personal blogs…Quite a bit, actually. I am such a voyeur and reading personal blogs is like being invited in to watch their lives. It’s better than people who leave their curtains open at night. haha.
Ashley Fuchs 🙂 Are you on a chain or just have a muzzle? Will your handler let you come with me…just for a day…I’ll take good care of you. Promise 🙂
Just gotta clean up this one person’s ‘attitude’ and I’m not allowed to bite… so…
Let me know…
*adjusts straps on long-sleeved, wrap around coat*
*slips arm back in sleeve*
*smiles BIG*
Well said Michelle. Bravo.
Thank you, Tammy. 🙂
Dear Dr. Mari…I assume you must be a doctor…or maybe a wizard since you have found the solution to anxiety…a disease that most other physicians in the mental health field admit to having trouble understanding and treating. Who would have thought that it was really just feeling “low” and could be treated with a hug and a Starbucks!
I’ll bet this solution of yours works for diabetes too! I’m just gonna run and tell my niece, who’s a diabetic, to get a hug, a laugh, maybe even to vent…and to tell her pancreas to stop taking itself so seriously!
P.S. I’m not as nice as Michelle. So I’m also going to tell you that you have got some NERVE to come on to someone else’s blog and tell them that they are “self-absorbed” because they didn’t write something that entertained YOU or made you chuckle. Get out a mirror and take a good fucking look at “self-absorbed”.
Thank you, Marianne. 🙂
Like the poster enough, I feel like any puny comment of mine won’t do right by your words. I just want to assure you that, even though I have only been reading you for a short while and don’t know you in person, you are definitely a whole person to me. More than that. You are a whole person who can put into words the pain we all feel, and thereby lessen it. This is your gift to the world, and yes, that does make you pretty fucking special!
Please continue to take care of yourself, and I wish the same for your loved ones. That they may be taken care of, and safe, and healthy. Lots of love!
*enough = above
Thank you so much Trillie. You guys are so amazing and I appreciate your support more than I could ever say. 🙂
“I feel like I’m not all the way formed.”
What a great line!
This is really powerful and I am relieved to hear the worst has passed for now.
Thank you so much! I am glad you liked it. I actually didn’t like that line because it wasn’t quite saying what I wanted to say….it was as close as I could get. It’s nice to hear that it works.
Michelle,
Most of us walk with you. I am glad you are out the other side and were able to bring strength to post this. I also have family uncomfortable with my hobby. They hope it will go away. Posts like this one, I do on other sites anonymously to get them out of my head. I comb through the comments and gather strength. I hope you find strength too. Hugs xoxo
I do! OMG I get SO MUCH from all of you. Making these connections and knowing there are people who understand how I feel has gone such a long way in helping me deal with anxiety. It’s helped me not hate myself. I’m so tired of loathing myself, it takes so much energy.
I hear from you glorious, fucked up, broken, funny, giving, loving, talented humans and I feel better. We’re all broken in a way. I feel like maybe I’m not so alone in this and it has given me buckets and buckets of strength.
Whether it is a comfort or not, please know that you have a hard hug coming from me – long distance or or via blog. I know that’s not what you want or need, but besides understanding, it’s all I’ve got. There’s mental illness in my family, and I’m pretty sure the older I get the worse my form of it gets – but I feel sorrier for the people around me that have to deal with me when I get “like that”. I’m relieved that your family member is out of the woods, and hope for a speedy recovery. I love all of your moods!
I am actually getting so much better at the hugging thing. I would gladly accept your hug 🙂 and it is something I want and something I need. So, thank you for that.
Yes, my loved one is better. Stubborn as fuck and needs to be resting…I will be kicking his ass back to health and happiness.
I am glad you are on the other side of the storm.I do believe in premonitions.
Hmmmm….I didn’t consider that. Perhaps I did know something big was coming up.
I am glad, too. There was a point that I thought I would lose him. We’re good now….well..not GOOD…but better and in time it will be fine. He just needs to rest for a while.
I’m glad you’re through both the storms and that the sun has now come, and hopefully the cold snap that’s come with it is refreshing rather than chilling. Here’s something to consider: most reflections aren’t real, but even though what was going on inside your head was reflected in the storms over it your feelings were very real–just as real as those storms.
It’s a nice metaphor, but I do wish there was a line you could call to let Nature know that you had too much to deal with on the ground and didn’t need anything else.
I really am kind of spent right now. I need a break. A small break. Perhaps a few weeks with no nasty surprises. That would be nice. 🙂
I’m actually good right now. My beloved husband is resting and on his way to health and happiness. I’m taking tomorrow off of work and plan on a full day of Netflix and chill…only I will actually be just chilling.
How’s your book coming along???
yeah…it’s been a little stalled…but I’ve been working my way back to the book. I got discouraged when I got nothing back from the agent or her assistant, but I’m over it now. 🙂
I am glad this has passed for you. It appears you have a lot of loving support at least here online. I can relate to much of what you have said here and I empathize. When you feel like that please don’t hesitate to take the medication. Whether you have the kind of anxiety everyone else has or not, if the medication works for you…take it. That’s what I do and it may not make me a better person but it makes me feel like I am in control. Feeling like I am in control helps me a lot; especially when everything around me seems so out of control. Take care of yourself.
Oh, I usually don’t have a problem with it. I just felt like I was moving through molasses that day…and thank you, thank you so much.
Michelle,
You are amazing. I wish I could articulate how I feel as well as you. Thank you for your courage and the courage of your words. Quite often I find myself in your work – This post is no different.
My wife and I both subscribe to your blog. She read this post before I did and said “Holy shit! You have to read Michelle today. Stop what you are doing and read it right now!!” As usual, she was right – and I am glad.
I can’t say it enough — Thank you
OMG…thank you so much!
I have had a rough few days (you have no idea) and this really makes my night. I am so glad you both enjoyed it…it kind of makes it worth while, you know?
Had one of those “self-absorbed” days where my anxiety is so close/so real/so overwhelming that driving to Mexico and not telling anyone where I’m going seems like a completely logical decision. And when my brain goes there, nothing feels safe or right or okay. And then I sit down to read blog posts and come across your’s and I’m reminded that I’m not alone – something I obviously know to be true – but the reminders are what keep me going, you know? And meds. But whatever. 😉
It is good to feel like we are not alone. You are not alone. Peace to you my sister…
I’ll do anything for big fat inappropriate kisses…
*eyebrow wiggle*
I love reading your blog Including all your ‘introspections’, that’s what blogging is all about isn’t it… Getting all those jumbled thoughts out there and I think you are amazing. Hope all is better now.
Thank you so much. Things are not better…but they are getting better. 🙂
Wow, this stirred the pot, didn’t it? So be it. Reading, I was just nodding inside, saying “yup, yup, uh-huh” because while it’s clearly about you, it calls forth waves of memories and old (and not so old) feelings and countless attempts to sort out my own “ickiness” over many years. Sometimes those attempts just left me exhausted, or worse off. But what else can we do?? It’s not self-absorption, it’s work goddamnit. It’s living! You rode out another turbulent episode, M, so give yourself a pat on the back. You don’t have to ride with finesse, girl, just hang on and survive, and remind yourself how strong you really are, and how cool you are to put this out to the universe with a big ol’ “fuck ya, I’m doin’ it!” (sticks tongue out to detractors) Best to your family, k.
YES! You are so right! You just fucking hang on. 🙂
And thank you…thank you so much.
I wake every morning with anxiety. I’m not sure why. Maybe its getting older. Maybe its the fact we’re bombarded daily with stories of death and horror. Maybe its just being human. Most time the anxiety leaves as the day kicks in. Sometimes it doesn’t. I find taking pauses in the day makes a difference. Just sit and be quiet. That helps.
Yes…yes that does help so much.
“You’re entirely bonkers. But I’ll tell you a secret. All the best people are”-Alice in Wonderland (the Tim Burton movie…not the book).
I love that quote so much!
You are NOT alone. And ALL ACONs are BADASS! Or so it says on my journal. This is how I think of it: There was a period before I was “broken” and there was the rest of my life after. My sister thinks we were “broken” at birth because we were born into a life with a narcissistic father. I disagree. I was born to be great in this world. To do well unto others and leave the world better than I found it. But he, in essence, killed that me. What is worse than this question: What do you want to be when you grow up? (IDK) OR these affirmation quotes: Be Yourself or even worse: Be true to yourself? (Goddamn willowy-wallowy fuck… WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!?) Now I am determined to rediscover that ORIGINAL me and destroy “the reflection”. And I assume folks reading your blog all grew up like this but if not let’s just say that you could have just as well been describing my father plus some added sexual inappropriateness. He’s not alive any longer, but I can still feel like a 6 year old when dealing with my grown up situations; that’s when I know that the original me needs to take over for the reflection and react the way I really want to. … like a grown-ass woman that can react to things any way I damn well please! Take Care and thanks for all the roses.
Man, I felt every word of this. Every. Single. Word.
Rock on, sister. 🙂
Michelle you have no idea how helpful your writing and truth is to me. My daughter is no longer speaking to me partly because she says I choose to be unhappy, depressed, have anxiety and I could ‘choose’ to be happy.
Depression, anxiety, and other disorders are so misunderstood and often lumped in with feeling sad, or low.
My anxiety is in overdrive these days and sometimes I need medication just to knock it back a few steps.
I just want you to know that I think you are awesome in all the facets of who you are and how you write about your life. I am glad Randy is on the mend. Those taps on the shoulder that remind us of our mortality and the mortality of our loved ones are the hardest.
Here I am, cheering you on – and, Randy? Really, not pushing the morphine pump even once? Seriously man, take advantage when advantage is given!!
thank you so much and I so hope you find as much peace and contentment as you can. I feel you. I hope you have some sunny days. It’s too bad when people we love can’t understand what we are going through, but you can’t control that either…
Yeah, Randy is a bad ass. No doubt.
I’m glad I didn’t read this when you first posted. I wasn’t ready then. I was still recovering from seeing the old Narc family over Christmas…
As it is, I’m holding back tears of understanding and compassion. I have felt like an actress playing house most of my adult life. “Just be yourself!” they say. But I don’t know who that is?!?! I only know how to read the lines and play the role I was cast into at birth. Despite the extreme discomfort of that role – it is where I settle because it is what I’m used to. All I’ve known. Until therapy started, of course. Then the whole trauma of being in my mid-forties and wondering who I was going to discover that I was!
You really captured the contradictory, illogical feelings of anxiety. I’m so glad that the storm is moving on.
Yeah…I don’t get “how to be myself” I am still figuring out who myself is.