So excited to have my very first guest post and it is written by my husband! I hope you guys find him as funny as I do. But not funnier than me. You can find him 96.4% funny as me, okay?
Also, he promises prizes. Apparently, I am involved in this somehow, but really, don’t get your hopes up. We’re tightwads.
And let’s make it 93%. Here’s Randy:
When spring begins, I re-start walking for exercise because drinking for exercise doesn’t work.
You can free your mind on a solitary, early morning walks. Often, my disengaged mind plays word games. Lyric couplets spill out which I key in on the cell. This habit has led to a couple near miss walking collisions. A few more times, I’ve ran into low hanging tree or bush branches.
This month there’ve been no lyrics, but there are definite things you’ll see that most walking articles don’t tell you:
- Walk early enough to see the moon set and the sun rise.
- Leave your kids at home. Seriously. Taking kids on a walk is like sitting through the college level class in Excuse Making 101. Your kids will need to poop, do homework (even though they’re on summer break), ask to visit an emergency room, or develop a serious case verbal diarrhea. Don’t invite your kids to walk with you again until they’re adults…with their own kids. Prepare to laugh off your ass.
- Pace yourself. You’ll never outrun the rabbit or outlast the turtle.
- Leave the horse mask at home. You’re not a thoroughbred. Horse masks are so 2013. Instead, wear a donkey mask. After all, if you have kids, a boss, or carry anxiety/guilt, you’re a beast of burden. Earn bonus points for top notch braying.
- Avoid flapping your arms. No matter how hard you flap, you’ll never lift off. It’s a gravity thing.
- Don’t attempt thumbing a ride from a passing cyclist. Cyclists have been cranky ever since Mickey and Mallory Knox immortalized bronze medalist bicyclist Brian Smith.
- Pick less busy walking routes. Otherwise, you’ll be accosted by canines or mini Kneivels on bicycles. Also, you’ll suffer through packs of yakety yacking soccer moms or braggart “I coulda been a contender” dads.
- If you’re walking with a significant other or friend, under any circumstance, DO NOT SKIP. Unless, of course, you hold hands and skip together.
- To avoid confusion, don’t walk backwards. You won’t know if you’re coming or going.
- Avoid rabid runners. Rabid runners sneer and eye roll as they evaluate your attire and footwear. Face it. Oxfords, ballet flats, or flip flops paired with gray sweats and a “let’s get high” T-shirt will never be as cool as a rabid runner’s attire. Another thing about RR’s. They’ll sneak up behind you, bark their position relative to yours, and cause you to veer in front of them. Hilarity (or foul language) ensues.
- Catalogue things you see lying on the ground. Just yesterday, I added a pile of pringles and a stogie (or rotten banana, I didn’t have a lighter to test) to my list. Change your walking routes and you’ll have daily blog posts about the weird shit people throw on the ground.
- No panhandling for sports drinks, sips from water bottles, or change for the ice cream man.
- TURD ALERT – there never seems to be a shortage of fecal matter on walking tracks and sidewalks. The animal world understands the“don’t shit where you eat rule”. Have you ever seen a goose eating asphalt? Nope, and that’s why they shit on it. Pay attention. You don’t want to step on poo bombs. You don’t want to slip and fall. Breath in, breathe out, what the fuck is that smell?
- Carry your bourbon flask. Prepare for a party to break out. Share a couple sweaty swigs with a red faced grandpa. You might be thinking “emptying a bourbon flask on your morning walk kind of defeats the purpose of exercise, doesn’t it?” Maybe, but look at great athletes like Mickey Mantle, John Daly, Babe Ruth, Ken Stabler, Billy Martin, and…oh, never mind.
- Puddle splashing, jumping in ponds, and singing in the rain are A- okay. Have fun.
- Be nice. Say “good morning”. Don’t judge people or be a dick. Think how much better life would be if were all a little more supportive of our efforts.
What have you noticed on your walks?