So, that title sounds like it wants to be profound, but also wants to be a Hallmark card. But it makes absolutely no sense.
Walls don’t have wings. They’re not supposed to have wings.
I mean, I guess there could be some walls that have wings. Or pictures of airplanes hanging on them. I don’t know. I haven’t seen all the walls. Except it does make sense.
Let me explain.
Two completely not necessary things I wanted in our new house were a gas stove and, at least, one brick wall.
I got the gas stove, and while I got an entire house encased in brick, I did not get an indoor brick wall.
You might recall, I made a video of my ugly ass kitchen the first week we lived here. I shared pictures of my new counters. I love the changes, but I really wanted that brick wall.
So, I decided to have one.
I bought panels of faux brick and planned to just do the back wall of the kitchen. The ceramic tile goes half way up the wall and there is a door and a small window, not much space, but enough to satisfy my brick wall need.
The white faux brick came in square panels. I tried to attach a whole panel, but my manual dexterity lies between “Sleepy toddler” and “Aged squirrel”.
I pulled the panel down, which destroyed the panel. That’s okay, though. I know how my DIY projects go. I need spares. I was prepared.
The directions said an option would be to cut out individual bricks and apply them that way. I could handle that. One brick at a time? Piece of cake. Then, I wanted cake and there wasn’t any.
I cut the bricks out and stacked them up. I got my step ladder, started peeling the backs off the bricks, and attaching them to my kitchen wall.
I got the first two rows completed when it dawned on me. My stack of bricks?
They were exactly the same length, width, shape, and color as a maxi-pad.
Nope. Not going there. This is faux brick. Exactly what you wanted.
I got the wall finished and climbed back down the ladder. I stepped back to check my work.
Yep. I just covered my kitchen wall in maxi-pads.
I took a few deep breaths and tried to quell my panic. I jumped right to my go-to for all failed projects, which is: Fuck it. Cover it in glitter.
No. no no no. That never works. It hasn’t worked even once. And this is the kitchen. But don’t worry. It can be fixed. Probably. Maybe. Don’t go buy glitter. Do you really think glitter covered maxi-pads would be an improvement?
My mother and my sister were due at my house to do some finishing work in our bedroom and office. Both rooms had a significant gap between the hardwood floor and the baseboards. Mom and baby sister put some quarter round down. It looks so much better now, you guys. It felt so dirty with that gap and now everything feels clean.
Well, except for the cat hair dust bunnies.
They took a look at my sanitary napkin project and were kind.
“Oh…okay. Well, let’s think about this.”
“Yeah, you need to at least paint them.”
“At least they’re not pads with wings.”
So, while they were finishing off the baseboards, I painted my faux brick with the palest shade of gray. And it looked so much better.
Sort of like sanitary napkins, except they were gray.
My mom caulked the quarter round and when she finished, she brought me the caulk tube and suggested I caulk between the bricks to give the appearance of mortar.
You guys, it worked like a motherfucking charm. I mean, I definitely have some finish work to do, but my maxi-pad wall no longer looks like arts and craft day gone terribly wrong. It looks like a brick wall. Any real scrutiny is going to turn up a plethora of flaws, but I don’t think my wall brings to mind sanitary napkins at all anymore.
I can’t wait to finish everything and take a video. I wish so badly I had recorded the whole house before we started working on it.
I got my brick wall. Kind of.
And the gas stove? Well, we haven’t used the oven since we got the new counters because the pilot had to be turned off and we can’t figure out how to light it. It’s an old stove and we can’t find anything online. We can light the burners with a lighter, but the stove is right out.
Still, I got the two things I wanted.
Except the brick isn’t real and the oven doesn’t work.
In less than two weeks, my tile will be white and the little dutch girl and the windmills will be gone. My baby sister is appalled. It’s the original tile from 1952 and she thinks it should be preserved. Hahaha. No. It’s horrible.
Now, all I have to do is sand and paint all the cabinetry before they come to glaze the tile.
My back, shoulders and elbow will never forgive me.
I can handle a little pain, though. My kitchen isn’t finished yet. It will be at least another month. Maybe longer for the new floor. But when it is finished, it’s going to look better than I hoped. I’m reasonably sure of this.
If any of you decide you want to put faux brick on your walls and need advice? Send me an email. I literally did everything wrong. I made mistakes so you don’t have to.
I’m not good at many things, but I excel at being a cautionary tale.