Some more of my more spectacular parenting fails are bound to make you feel better.
I have two sons who are 11 years apart in age. They are VERY different boys.
My older son shared my sense of humor from a very young age. For example, when he was 3, we were visiting the Cincinnati Zoo and stopped to look at the lion.
Zach: Mommy, is the lion sleeping?
Me: No sugar, he’s dead.
Zach cracked up. He fucking knew I was kidding. Middle sister was with me and as we are related, she also knew I was kidding. The woman next us, she did not know I was kidding. You know those looks that kill? Yeah, I got one of those.
Zach is 26 years old now and we still share the same dark sense of humor.
Joey, on the other hand, was a little more sensitive.
When he was Kindergarten age, we were watching a show on TV. A woman had a baby and the scene was her holding her newborn and crying.
Joey: Why is she crying, mommy?
Me: Because she is so happy that she just had a baby.
Joey: Did you cry when you had me?
Joey: Because you were so happy?
Me: No, baby. I cried because you were really ugly.
He cried for 20 minutes. He was beside himself.
IT WAS A FUCKING JOKE.
Okay, sure…he really was kind of funny looking when he first popped out, but within days he was the prettiest baby I had ever seen.
Randy was FURIOUS with me. He did that gritted teeth thing. Why would you SAY that?
Joey was crushed.
I felt like shit. I tried to apologize to him but he was having none of it. Fucking hell. If it had been Zach, he would have laughed.
Like I said, they were very different.
Joey is 15 now and has since come to the dark side. I recounted that story recently and he laughed his ass off. Thank the stars.
That was bad. This was worse:
I used sex education as a way to get my older boy to do chores. Getting Zach to do chores was like pulling teeth. I had a glorious period of time that lasted from age 10 to around 12 where I could get him to do his chores with this threat:
Zach…either unload that dishwasher RIGHT NOW or I’m going to tell you how sex works.
The dishwasher got unloaded every time.
He’s a grown up now and completely responsible for his own sexual hang ups. I do feel like I owe his girlfriend an apology, though.
I’m fairly certain that practice would be considered ‘incorrect’ by most parenting experts. But you guys, it made chore time so much easier.
That wouldn’t have worked with Joey. Joey would have sat down, propped his chin up on his fists and waited for the education.
Those aren’t my only fails, but it’s a long list and you’d end up getting bored reading them. Besides, I’m at work right now and writing blog posts isn’t in my job description.
Although, really, my employer should be happy they have such a multifaceted employee.