You also have to be a weird friend to get full benefit.
My work friend is such an inconsiderate dick hole. She has a health issue that is keeping her from work for weeks. It’s like my needs aren’t even important anymore.
Hahahah. I’m only kidding. Mostly.
What I really want is for her to never feel bad and never be sick. But don’t tell her I said that, she’ll give me shit for being mushy.
I did manage to save a few of our instant message conversations before she skipped town.
Here is volume 3 in the Priscilla, Queen of the Cubicle series (PQOTC):
Me: I’m tired of being motherfucking sick. I am tired of all this motherfucking SNOT in my motherfucking NOSE.
Me: You have to read that like Sam.
PQOTC: I don’t know how to read that like Sam.
Me: Samuel L Jackson, ding dong.
PQOTC: ooooh, sorry. I didn’t know we were calling him Sam. So, instead of snakes on a plane, it’s snot in the nose, then?
PQOTC: Did you know WebMD will tell you why you have a full stomach?
Me: In your case, is it sperm?
PQOTC: Bahahaha. No. But it can be air.
PQOTC: We should write a book about the ‘air diet’.
PQOTC: No..no more for me. I simply could NOT swallow anymore air.
Me: Or sperm.
PQOTC: Did you know hiccups can be sign of a very serious health problem? Now I’m going to freak out whenever I get the hiccups. It says here to quickly drink a cup of cold water to cure them.
Me: I usually get rid of them by holding my creath.
Me: Breath. I don’t know what a creath is. AND I DON’T HOLD IT.
Me: I pay other people to hold my creath.
PQOTC: Creath is a verb.
Me: Is it how people say ‘crease’ when they have a lisp? I creathed the page in my book?
PQOTC: Nope. It means to tremble.
PQOTC: I’m having a hard time even pretending to work.
Me: I gave up on that in September.
PQOTC: There’s a construction company called Hoar construction. I should work there.
Me: HAHAH. Skanky Hoar construction. Let us suck your beams.
And that’s it. I was really hoping we’d have some good conversations because she’s on pain medication right now, but she is disappointingly lucid.
You’d think she’d double her dose at least ONCE for a good blog post.