Having A Weird Friend Means Your Subconscious Gets To Play


You also have to be a weird friend to get full benefit.

My work friend is such an inconsiderate dick hole. She has a health issue that is keeping her from work for weeks. It’s like my needs aren’t even important anymore.

Hahahah. I’m only kidding. Mostly.

What I really want is for her to never feel bad and never be sick. But don’t tell her I said that, she’ll give me shit for being mushy.

I did manage to save a few of our instant message conversations before she skipped town.

Here is volume 3 in the Priscilla, Queen of the Cubicle series (PQOTC):

Me: I’m tired of being motherfucking sick. I am tired of all this motherfucking SNOT in my motherfucking NOSE.

Me: You have to read that like Sam.

PQOTC: I don’t know how to read that like Sam.

Me: Samuel L Jackson, ding dong.

PQOTC: ooooh, sorry. I didn’t know we were calling him Sam. So, instead of snakes on a plane, it’s snot in the nose, then?


PQOTC: Did you know WebMD will tell you why you have a full stomach?

Me: In your case, is it sperm?

PQOTC: Bahahaha. No. But it can be air.

PQOTC: We should write a book about the ‘air diet’.

PQOTC: No..no more for me. I simply could NOT swallow anymore air.

Me: Or sperm.


PQOTC: Did you know hiccups can be sign of a very serious health problem? Now I’m going to freak out whenever I get the hiccups. It says here to quickly drink a cup of cold water to cure them.

Me: I usually get rid of them by holding my creath.

Me: Breath. I don’t know what a creath is. AND I DON’T HOLD IT.

Me: I pay other people to hold my creath.

PQOTC: Creath is a verb.

Me: Is it how people say ‘crease’ when they have a lisp? I creathed the page in my book?

PQOTC: Nope. It means to tremble.


PQOTC: I’m having a hard time even pretending to work.

Me: I gave up on that in September.


PQOTC: There’s a construction company called Hoar construction. I should work there.

Me: HAHAH. Skanky Hoar construction. Let us suck your beams.


And that’s it. I was really hoping we’d have some good conversations because she’s on pain medication right now, but she is disappointingly lucid.

You’d think she’d double her dose at least ONCE for a good blog post.



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By Michelle


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