Summer has arrived! Time to dust off the grill and start obsessing how our arms look in sleeveless tops.
We’re out of our caves, rubbing our eyes, and marveling at the way the sun feels on our faces.
Our neighbors are coming out as well. After spending the winter months tucked away in our houses and practicing our hermit skills, we find we must interact with other humans.
Sometimes, it’s nice to reconnect with the people who dwell closest to us. Other times, not so much.
We had months to ourselves. We cultivated our introverted nature and grew to enjoy the solitude. Now, there are neighbors everywhere. You can’t throw a rock without hitting one. By the way, they hate that.
Here are 39 thoughts we have all had about our neighbors:
- Did they get a trampoline? Here come screams and fighting siblings accompanied by a chorus of ‘Hey mom, watch this’.
- Oh, there’s Bob. Also, known as ‘the guy who can’t hold his bourbon and puked in our koi pond’.
- Why can’t everyone adjust their mower blade height to the same height as mine?
- There’s Mr. Dwyer mowing again. It’s about time, it’s been at least 36 hours since he last mowed.
- Wow. You’re. A. Small. Talk. Expert.
- They’re having another yard sale? Still trying to unload that salad shooter, I see.
- Great, the douchebag next door parked his big stupid truck in front of our house again. Way to take up both spots, numbnuts.
- Of course, here comes Sally with her lawn beautification tips. Like her lawn could get in Lawn and Garden.
- No. No, we do not want to host a block party, neighborhood gala, or a “Night Beneath The Stars” celebration.
- Because he’s all about that bass..’bout that bass..’bout that bass.
- You know what? I like my pink flamingos, but that dressed up concrete goose of yours looks dumb.
- What are their kids selling now? Chocolate eagles? Oh my, these taste so sinful.
- Fireworks? How about you wait until the fourth of July? Or at least July.
- I swear to all that is holy, if their dog craps in my yard again, I’m painting their cars with it.
- What the hell is that smell? Burnt hair? When neighbors grill, the neighborhood shouldn’t smell like a grilling accident.
- Yeah, I see your binoculars through my telescope.
- So, what do we have? 3 more months before your entire front yard gets lined with political signs?
- Oh, look, the kids across the street have another new ‘Uncle’.
- Do not give him a beer. He will never leave.
- That above ground pool never makes it until Labor day before the sides cave in. Heathens.
- The leaves are green now, but won’t be long until the lady next door is bitching about our leaves in her yard.
- Sure, it’s completely normal to hang 5 dozen wind chimes in your back yard. When the wind blows, the neighborhood sounds like angry Santa is flying overhead.
- Stone armadillos at the end of your driveway? That money would have been better spent on a new cornhole set.
- I don’t care if you listen to music outside, but would it kill you to give Taylor Swift a rest? Have you even heard eighties and nineties music?
- If that leaf blower comes out before 8:00 am on a Sunday one more time, I’m setting annoyed honey badgers loose in his yard.
- Oh look, shirtless Frank sitting in his folding chair armed with an electric fly swatter.
- A karaoke machine in your garage? Great. Loud weekend parties with an abysmal soundtrack.
- Where did that kid go? I know I saw a kid. Dammit. I just want to back out of my driveway.
- Ah, with nice weather, we can look forward to the Smith’s taking their weekend fights out into the yard. Mrs. Smith, undefeated in three summers, sounds to be in top form.
- Oh hell, shut your blinds.
- I can feel you judging my dandelions, Judgy McJudgerson.
- Where did the new neighbors go? They left at midnight? And didn’t even say goodbye.
- Another set of new neighbors? Wow, neighbors rotate in and out of here faster than rotisserie chickens.
- I’m impressed with your motorcycle revving skills. I’m more impressed you never seem to ride the motorcycle. All the sound, none of the mileage.
- Ummm, your cat keeps crapping in my flower bed. Your pathetic statement, “Well, he’s the neighborhood cat” doesn’t wash. Maybe, we could send a horse over to shit in your driveway. Of course, when you squawk, we’ll say, “Well, he’s the neighborhood horse.”
- Yip and yap, the canine record holders for continuous barking. I feel for you. We can hear your dogs barking from inside your house…250 feet away. Leaving them outside from sun up to sundown achieves nothing other than making your dog problem our noise problem.
- Christmas ended. Feel free to turn off your twinkling lights, pull down the fake icicles, and, for crap’s sake, deflate wheezing Frosty. Wait, where’s the neighborhood cat when you need him?
- Why are you waving? Does this look like The Truman Show? Oh, and if you ever say “Good morning, and in case I don’t see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!” again, we’re calling the cops.
Like Benjamin Franklin said, “Love thy neighbor, but don’t pull down the hedge”.
So, what can you add to the list? I’m not the only one with unneighborly thoughts, am I?
Randy and I are the perfect neighbors…we will leave you the fuck alone.