What Does A Spermologer Collect?


Don’t be nasty. A spermologer collects trivia.

I learned this years ago playing Trivial Pursuit at a family function and had to read that question in front of my grandma.

So, Randy and I went out last Thursday. We don’t go out often. We like staying at home where there is limited contact with other humans.

Randy, apparently, likes beer more than he likes being a hermit. We’ve been trying to hit all the breweries in our area, which is fine, but I don’t like beer so I’m just along for the ride.

We went to a brewery called Grainworks and learned they play trivia some nights.

We decided to go out, be around other people, and play rock and roll trivia.

It wasn’t, by the way. It was music trivia, not rock and roll trivia. Not when some of the answers are Ronnie Milsap and Bing Crosby. 

Anyway, the brewery had long tables with metal bar stools. Randy and I sat at the end of a table for six. We got a calzone from thespermologist collect food truck and waited to play trivia. The smudges on the paper in the picture are from the calzone. It was messy. 

A woman around our age asked if she could join us and that a friend would be meeting up with her. We invited her to stay and then she asked to be on our trivia team. That request took a second for me to process because I had prepared myself for being around other people but not so much prepared for prolonged interaction. Of course, we said yes because we’re not dicks.

It was actually a good decision. We had fun.

This was old school trivia where they passed around pads of paper for the answers.

We had to give a team name, so we were Rubber Shoes In Hell. Duh. Randy and I had already turned our name in before we had additions to our team and I was glad about that. I wasn’t going to negotiate on the name.

I don’t want to use our new friend’s real names, so I will call them Monica and Jane.

By the time the game started, there were about 10 teams of people with 8 or more people to a team. How the game worked, the game dude would play 30 seconds of a song and you had to write down the name and artist.

We suck ass at naming songs and artists from around 1995 on up.

We didn’t do great the first round.  They started with current songs and worked back to the forties. We picked it up around Soul Asylum singing Run Away Train. Other than mis-identifying Dead or Alive as Right Said Fred. If I couldn’t identify the song and artist, I put down the most absurd answer I could. For instance, I put Bob Dylan singing Boot Scoot Boogie. I’m not sure what the correct answer was. If I hear a current song, I assume it’s either Bruno Mars or Katy Perry.

We started off in third place,

The next round was 11 songs from the seventies. We would dominate this round.

It’s a good thing Monica and Jane met up with us, because Jane saved the round. We were a single answer from a perfect score. The song was Brandy and we couldn’t remember who the artist was.

Randy: Put down Marmalade. I don’t think that’s right, though.

Jane: No, that’s not right. It’s something else.

I erased “The Archies” and replaced it with Marmalade.

The next song started and it was Sexual Healing by Marvin Gaye.

Monica: Oh! I know this one. This one is Sexual Tension.

Me: No, this one is Sexual Healing. I think Sexual Tension was the song just before Sexual Healing, then there was Sexual Cigarette, Sexual Sleeping, and Sexual Breakfast.

Jane: Who sings that? It’s not a person’s name. It’s a band name. I have it on my playlist. My husband used to sing Brandy in Karaoke.

The next song was My Love Is Alive by Gary Wright. I turned to Jane and said what popped into my head.

This is also an example of me giving up too much information and why I can’t be around other humans without saying something awkward.

Me: Two sisters I used to babysit for when I was 12 taught me to do the Bus Stop to this song. They used to pay me in weed.


Jane: LOOKING GLASS! The band who sings Brandy is Looking Glass.

I replaced Marmalade with Looking Glass at the last second and Randy took our paper up to the trivia dude.

Trivia dude: That was quick.

Randy: It’s perfect.

We didn’t miss a single question in round two and took a solid lead. We also dominated the eighties music category.

Things started to fall apart in the nineties. I like a lot of nineties music, but the bands all run together in a “blink smashbox 311 eagle third eye cherry ray” sort of name. We were still in first place after the nineties, but by a narrow margin.

Then the last round. the first song was from 2017, then 2016 on back to 2008. We did not get a single answer right.

We finished in third place. Not too shabby for a dinky team of old people.

We had a good time. I’ve been in recovery mode since then, that was a lot of peopling. I think we’ll go again, though. I forgot how much fun it can be to get out of the house.



About the author


This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

  • It reads like a wedding song list… I Wanna Hold Your Hand, Runaway Train, Hit the Road Jack, Rags to Riches, Let’s Groove Tonight, and Wedding Bell Blues. Some weddings may not have had a happy ending in my world. Sounds like a fun night. Enjoy your recovery.

  • I’ve only done a trivia night once.

    Jen and I were in Edinburgh. We stopped in some random pub in Old Town where trivia night was on. We knew we’d suck but thought, “hey, this could be fun.” We did but it was fun.

    The part that got me all sniffy was afterward, when the compère congratulated us Yanks for knowing that Ursa Minor was the “Little Bear.” I wanted to say “NOT all Americans are dimwits, ya know!” Jen hustled me out before I could start a brawl though.

  • Bing Crosby and Tony Bennett? ROCK ON, MAN!!! HAHA! The only version of Boot Scootin’ Boogie that I’m familiar with is the one I used to line dance to, back in the 90s and that’s by Brooks and Dunn. And Right Said, Fred didn’t do “You Spin Me Right ‘Round”, that was Dead or Alive. You need ME, Michelle! OMG, between the two of us, we would clean UP!!! 😉

    • Oh I knew Bob Dylan didn’t sing that song. It also wasn’t that song. I think it was Rhianna or something. Maybe Beyonce. I have no idea. And yes, you would be a good addition to the team!

  • That sounds like a lot of fun! Because my parents love music and instilled that love in me I would have done well from the 60s-90s I think. Now a days I don’t even know. Music now a days is one of the things that makes me feel old. I’m one of those “back in my day” music grumblers.

  • I want to go out…until I actually get ready to go and then I chicken out. I haven’t been anywhere but the grocery store in months. People just overwhelm me anymore.

  • It makes perfect sense that a spermologer collects trivia because there are few things more trivial than sperm. Think about how many of those little bastards get wasted in a guy’s lifetime.
    Admittedly that’s not the sort of thing you ever want to say in front of anyone’s grandmother.
    The important thing here is you had a good time and I’m wondering if you win any prizes, never having done the trivia night thing myself.

  • I had the 45RPM single of “Brandy” by Looking Glass, so I knew that one, but I would completely suck at trivia about recent popular music.
    I remember when we were living in the foundry building and the metal shop across the back wall changed their radio station from the Spanish language station to a top-fortyish station, and I told Briana “Hey, I think this must be that Katy Perry song I read about.”
    It was. It was “Roar”.
    That was 2015.
    That station played that song four times an hour for the duration of the metal shop’s workday, but not just that song; there were a bunch of them, all multiple times per hour, and I had never heard any of them, but had read Aussa write about the Katy Perry song and upon hearing it for the third time or so, figured that it must be the one she was talking about.
    I’m glad you both had a good time. Sometimes being in crowds of people can be fun, rock concerts, for instance.

    • I know Roar because one of my granddaughters loves that song. And if she wants to listen, then we’ll listen. Randy is super protective of the play list and he hates pop music. He wants to control the music in every setting. He knows he can’t, but he wants to. Unless a granddaughter wants to watch pop videos for an hour, then she gets all the control. It’s adorable.

  • I would suck at a music trivia night. I would also be so frustrated, hearing only a clip. I know the lyrics to thousands of songs, from the 40’s on up to … um, the 90’s? I daren’t suggest I know lyrics to anything more recent, being “old” myself (and still thinking that I was in college a mere 15-20 years ago, which is not remotely close). But knowing the lyrics, I’d begin to sing along… and then, of course, the song would change, and I’d need to just start drinking heavily to combat my ire. But not beer. So.

    I’ll just go to a karaoke night and let y’all hash out the spermology!

    • Hahaha..I love it! The thought of karaoke makes me want to run away screaming. I can’t sing for shit. I did once, though. I was in Lima, Oh for work, we all got super drunk at the Holiday Inn bar and I sang karaoke. I cringe just thinking about it. Well, the parts I remember.

  • You brought back lots of memories with these songs — Marmalade, Brandy, “Sexual Healing” with gorgeous Marvin, taken too soon. Thank you! Love music so probably would’ve done well with this quiz. Sounds like fun.

  • I have never played trivia, in a bar or otherwise. Considering that I write a music post every Monday, it might surprise you to know that I don’t have that much knowledge of music after around 1988, except for maybe one or two Lady Gaga songs (Born this Way, for one) and, oh yes, Roar.

    • Right there with you. I can get a little beyond 1988, but it’s more specific. Like the grunge scene, I could probably identify most songs and artists..but maybe not. I might get stumped on the titles. Very limited after the mid nineties, but I could identify Gaga as well. I love Bad Romance.

  • third place? most excellent. I keep trying to get my husband to join trivia night at our local pub. So far no success. Still, I think I could rock all the entertainment trivia – I just need him for the nerdy science questions.

    • Randy and I make a good general trivia team. He was a history major, so he’s got that shit covered, especially if the question is about the civil war. He’s good for sports, science and music. I have entertainment, music, art and literature. We both suck at geography, but if one of us has a geography answer, it’s usually Randy.

  • I’m slow responding as usual, but I have to say this sounded like a really fun evening. Your people sound nothing like the snooty, stuffed shirt people who live around us ( not saying where, but in a way too expensive part of the northeast). I’d love to be able to spend an evening out relaxing and laughing with seemingly normal and down to earth folks like you found there. And testing my music trivia knowledge. Fun.

By Michelle


RSIH in your inbox