What I Believe

I have written a great deal about my father on this blog in my parental narcissism posts.

I am finding that I feel better now. I am not working through my relationship with him anymore and that is freeing. Now, I just either need to find a way to better manage my subsequent mental illness from being raised by a narcissist. I’m thinking a bedazzler might help.

Seriously, when WOULDN’T a situation be improved by a bedazzler?

Anyway, I never write about my mother. Probably because my mother and I have a good relationship.

However, we are different.

HAHAHAHAFUCKINGHAHAHAHA

What an understatement. My mother and I are quite different. I am thrilled that she is a complete Luddite who will never read my blog.

I don’t think it would be unfair to say that my mother can be slightly uptight. Prudish even. I still haven’t warned her that when she comes to see me perform at Listen To Your Mother on Sunday, that I will be talking about sex.

Anyway, about my blog post title. What I Believe.

I can’t read that phrase without thinking of Steve Martin. He did a skit on SNL many years ago. I was still in high school and I don’t think his hair had turned white yet. My mother and I were watching SNL together. Steve Martin did this monologue about ‘What I Believe’ and it included this phrase ‘I believe in Uncle Tom who waves his penis’.

I remember trying to make my face settle into a complete non-expression while fighting the urge to laugh. Then my mom cracked up.

It was a special mother moment which involved the word ‘penis’.

That’s not even a lie. I remember that moment fondly. 

What do I believe?

  • If a 65 year old woman wants to give birth to four babies at once, that it’s not my fucking business. I also hope her children are happy and healthy.
  • Even the worst prisoners shouldn’t be abused. I believe that capital punishment is barbaric. Yes, I do realize that many people in prison are there for horrifically barbaric crimes. I don’t feel this is a good argument to justify barbaric behavior, I don’t get the whole ‘well THEY did it, so WE get to do it’ mentality.
  • People have the right to feel differently about the woman having a small litter of babies and the death penalty.
  • If a person writes an article that looks hilarious and becomes a forever loading slide show, thus destroying any joy one might feel reading the story,  the site owner should be flayed and dropped into a pit of annoyed honey badgers.
  • People who get upset when they read TV show spoilers should have to live in a cave with the entire Dugger family.  Also, they should have to sleep on an anthill. It’s social media people. We talk about shit. Sometimes, when two people who love the same show very much, they talk about current episodes because they find it pleasing to do so. If you don’t want know what happened, then enter social media at your own risk.
  • A sentence beginning with ‘I’m sorry but…’ isn’t necessarily bad. For instance, when I told my second husband “I’m sorry, but I am going to turn down your generous gift of breast augmentation surgery.” Hahahah, just kidding. I’m pretty sure I said ‘fuck you’ not ‘I’m sorry’. However, when people begin their sentence with “I’m sorry, but…” and then proceed to say something horrible like “I”m sorry, but I think people who use the word ‘there’ instead of ‘their’ are the stupidest people on the planet and they should drink bleach.” Although, that is kind of true for people who mix up ‘lose’ and loose’.
  • People who apologize before saying something judgmental and horrible should have to spend a year attending PTA meetings in a snooty school district while wearing a stained Bob Seger T-shirt and Crocs.
  • People who abuse their authority should have to take a 90 hour class dedicated to analyzing the song MacArthur Park. They should also have to eat their weight in off-brand saltines with nothing to drink.

It occurred to me that when I’m feeling super anxious, that I get annoyed with the other humans more easily and it soothes me to think up outrageous punishments.

I think I’m on to something with the Duggar family punishment. That shit would put Scared Straight to shame.

I can’t wait until I’m queen of everything. There’s going to be some changes. I think I’ll get Priscilla, Queen of the Cubicle to co-queen with me. I promise, it will be fun. And probably disturbing.

 

 

 

 

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Add your comments below. Profanity is encouraged, but not required. ;)
  1. kdcol says:

    I believe I hope to never get on your bad side, Queen Michelle. 🙂 And there’s that vagaziller, the vagina bedazzler. Now THAT just may be better than the regular bedazzler! Hahaha!

    Reply
  2. When you said live with Dugger family did you mean to say ‘Live with the Honey Boo Boo Family’? Because I Believe that would be worse.
    The saltine punishment is my favorite!

    Reply
  3. Laura says:

    ” I also believe that if a person writes an article that looks like it might be hilarious and then it’s a slide show that takes forever to load, thus destroying any joy one might feel reading it should be flayed and then dropped into a pit of annoyed honey badgers.”

    Yes this needs to happen. And if the site is loaded with pop up ads, they are rescued from the honey badgers and must live in the cave with the Duggers.

    Reply
  4. I believe your queendom will be a happy and prosperous one. And “queendom” is a real word and the jagged red lines that tell me the spellchecker doesn’t like it can fuck themselves. The spellchecker can fuck itself too. The Oxford English Dictionary backs me up on this. A kingdom is ruled by a king and a queendom is ruled by a queen.

    And I believe Randy will be even more entertaining than Queen Elizabeth’s husband who, among other things, went up to a group of British students in China and told them, “Don’t stay here too long or you’ll get all slitty-eyed”.

    Randy’s pronouncements will be more like Steve Martin’s. I have no way of knowing that, but it’s what I believe.

    Reply
  5. I love the creative punishments you come up with. These from a woman who doesn’t believe in Death Penalty but instead suffering in a Bob Segar concert t-shirt from 1980 or eating saltines without fluids. Hahaaaa! Good luck on Sunday. Can’t wait to hear all about your show!!

    Reply
  6. Sue says:

    Yes, please, please, please, can we get those forever loading slide shows to stop? Who thought that was a good idea? Honey badgers are too good for the offenders. Honey Boo Boo would be better.

    Reply
  7. KK says:

    You…and Priscilla? Now that I can’t wait to read
    🙂
    Yep, not having to analyse everything is definitely freeing. I think you get to a point where you at least understand things a little better but there’s no more to be gained by revisiting it all again. I’m at that point too, now I just need to work out how to fix me, though I’m definitely better than I was.

    The misuse of lose and loose drives me nuts. I think that one requires a special punishment. A whole day on the ‘It’s a small world’ ride at Disney sounds about right.

    Reply
  8. Madbint says:

    I believe that a shared queendom between you and Priscilla QOTC would be fucking awesome and we’d all be happy subjects!

    Reply
  9. I think someone is getting nervous? You’ll do fabulous. I’m sorry but, stop worrying!

    Reply
  10. Cindy H says:

    Hey. I love Crocs! (especially while gardening and at work) 🙂
    But that’s ok, because I totally agree about people who apologize and then think they have the right to judge and say horrible things. They SHOULD attend PTA meetings in a snooty school district.
    I try hard to only judge judgers. 😉

    Reply
  11. Haralee says:

    I do believe you are the punishment Goddess!

    Reply
  12. mary-anne says:

    All I know is I believe in Rubber Shoes in Hell.

    Reply
  13. Bev says:

    I believe that I don’t want to be punished by you! I know you make me laugh!

    Reply
  14. Mandi says:

    I believe that there should be more people like you. Great post.

    Reply
  15. Katnap says:

    I believe, that through your blog, I have found a community of hilarious, happily imperfect, motherfuckin’ similar thinkers who, if persuaded, could take over the world and make it a more easily tolerated place. (Or maybe just rule an island… or a campground. With a bar. And indoor plumbing. Or else it wouldn’t be anywhere near tolerable. You get my drift.)

    Reply
  16. What is a bedazzler and does your mom have one I may borrow?

    Reply
  17. Sarah says:

    With the anxiety comes the judgement, huh? Not that your punishments aren’t entirely appropriate to the crimes. 🙂

    Reply
  18. Denise G. says:

    Love this, and completely agree with you on capital punishment! 🙂

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      I have struggled with that one..because people like John Wayne Gacy…well, I wasn’t sorry when they executed him..but I still find the practice barbaric.

      Reply
  19. Doug in Oakland says:

    I believe I’ll have the rest of yesterday’s unfinished gourmet burrito from Berkeley Bowl for breakfast.
    If you do become queen, will you have Corgis?
    Here’s a link to an article I read last night that seems to address some of these issues, and I swear it doesn’t have any slideshows in it. It’s called “The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck”, and in it, the author (Mark Manson) claims he used the word “fuck” 127 times.

    http://markmanson.net/not-giving-a-fuck#.klrkg6:6Fcr

    All I know about bedazzling is that Aussa did it to her overbearing office-mate’s phone before they ever even worked together.

    Reply
  20. Cassandra says:

    1,000 times yes to the slideshows. (Or is that 1,000 times no to the slideshows)

    Reply
  21. I have no sense of humor, but I love hanging out here with you everyone. Thanks Michelle for assembling such a fine group.

    Anita

    Reply
  22. stef says:

    I love you.

    So.

    Much.

    You make me laugh, even on my weirdest days…

    Reply
  23. I’m in…
    Forever your loyal subject.
    Wendy

    Reply
  24. samara says:

    Holy shit you’re funny!

    So your ex offered to buy you boobies? I’m kinda thinking of buying some boobies. I’m skeered of surgery, but I do like boobies.

    off brand saltines, not even the good kind, hahahahah

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      Thank you, sister. 🙂

      Yeah he did offer to by me boobs, and mine, while they are not huge, aren’t small. Between a B and a C cup. He also wanted me to dye my hair blond. If it was something I wanted, then it would be different, but I didn’t. He wanted them.

      I don’t like surgery, but I’ve had a few and I usually appreciate having a few days in bed to recover.

      Reply
  25. Susan says:

    I’m pretty sure you already ARE Queen of Everything! Yeah, loose, not lose, drives me up the wall, and when someone says “valeVictorian”, instead of valedictorian. Not my husband. No way he would ever say that. Nunh-uh. I’m surprised we aren’t divorced over it.

    I absolutely loathe the forever-loading-slide-shows.

    Reply
    • Michelle says:

      Hahaha…valevictorian. That’s awesome. I used to work with a girl who said vegtavles. And a guy who wrote ‘for all intensive purposes’ in an email.

      Reply
  26. Paula Greene says:

    Hmm. I can totally see you and Pricilla as Queens of everything. Just wondering if my BFF Gina and I would have a place in your administration? Say as oh punishment givers? She called me last night wanting me to take her to Baltimore so she could rip a few assholes too. Apparently the pain meds weren’t doing their job yesterday. As for the slide shows, they put me to sleep and since I don’t sleep much anymore I’ll take those. As for the Honey Boo Boo thing, I’m from the south and surrounded by people like them all the time. So that leaves the Duggers…..I’m Gay, ain’t changing so what a reality show that would be, huh? Oh and as for Mom just let it be a surprise!

    Reply
  27. Lorien says:

    This was a vitamin – a kooky, cheerful vitamin… well, except for the Bedazzler thing – I recently lost the friend who babysat my kitty when hubby & I went on our honeymoon. She was hilariously obsessed with the Bedazzler… would always ask me to buy her one and was always inserting unexpected Bedazzling suggestions into conversations. I’ll miss her… in a sad & kinda funny way.

    PS – I’d vote for you to pick Jar Jar Bitch’s punishment for being a bitch. You seem to be awesome at it. 🙂

    Reply
  28. God, I get so pissed at slideshows. And at websites which, rather than post an article, would rather post 19 pictures that you HAVE to click on individually. Fuck those guys.

    Reply
  29. I believe this post was pretty cathartic for you, so good for you!

    Reply
  30. Jana says:

    Ohhhh…..if your ex-husband is still interested in handing out free boob jobs, I’ll totally take one. Unless there are creepy sexual strings attached…if so, never mind. In that case, I’ll just start a crowdfunder to get my plastic surgery 😉

    Reply
  31. This one was my favorite: “I also believe that if a person writes an article that looks hilarious and becomes a forever loading slide show, thus destroying any joy one might feel reading the story, should be flayed and dropped into a pit of annoyed honey badgers.”

    SO MUCH ALSO BELIEVENESS.

    Reply
  32. Larissa says:

    Abso-fucking-lutely brilliant

    Reply