I have written a great deal about my father on this blog in my parental narcissism posts.
I am finding that I feel better now. I am not working through my relationship with him anymore and that is freeing. Now, I just either need to find a way to better manage my subsequent mental illness from being raised by a narcissist. I’m thinking a bedazzler might help.
Seriously, when WOULDN’T a situation be improved by a bedazzler?
Anyway, I never write about my mother. Probably because my mother and I have a good relationship.
However, we are different.
What an understatement. My mother and I are quite different. I am thrilled that she is a complete Luddite who will never read my blog.
I don’t think it would be unfair to say that my mother can be slightly uptight. Prudish even. I still haven’t warned her that when she comes to see me perform at Listen To Your Mother on Sunday, that I will be talking about sex.
Anyway, about my blog post title. What I Believe.
I can’t read that phrase without thinking of Steve Martin. He did a skit on SNL many years ago. I was still in high school and I don’t think his hair had turned white yet. My mother and I were watching SNL together. Steve Martin did this monologue about ‘What I Believe’ and it included this phrase ‘I believe in Uncle Tom who waves his penis’.
I remember trying to make my face settle into a complete non-expression while fighting the urge to laugh. Then my mom cracked up.
It was a special mother moment which involved the word ‘penis’.
That’s not even a lie. I remember that moment fondly.
What do I believe?
- If a 65 year old woman wants to give birth to four babies at once, that it’s not my fucking business. I also hope her children are happy and healthy.
- Even the worst prisoners shouldn’t be abused. I believe that capital punishment is barbaric. Yes, I do realize that many people in prison are there for horrifically barbaric crimes. I don’t feel this is a good argument to justify barbaric behavior, I don’t get the whole ‘well THEY did it, so WE get to do it’ mentality.
- People have the right to feel differently about the woman having a small litter of babies and the death penalty.
- If a person writes an article that looks hilarious and becomes a forever loading slide show, thus destroying any joy one might feel reading the story, the site owner should be flayed and dropped into a pit of annoyed honey badgers.
- People who get upset when they read TV show spoilers should have to live in a cave with the entire Dugger family. Also, they should have to sleep on an anthill. It’s social media people. We talk about shit. Sometimes, when two people who love the same show very much, they talk about current episodes because they find it pleasing to do so. If you don’t want know what happened, then enter social media at your own risk.
- A sentence beginning with ‘I’m sorry but…’ isn’t necessarily bad. For instance, when I told my second husband “I’m sorry, but I am going to turn down your generous gift of breast augmentation surgery.” Hahahah, just kidding. I’m pretty sure I said ‘fuck you’ not ‘I’m sorry’. However, when people begin their sentence with “I’m sorry, but…” and then proceed to say something horrible like “I”m sorry, but I think people who use the word ‘there’ instead of ‘their’ are the stupidest people on the planet and they should drink bleach.” Although, that is kind of true for people who mix up ‘lose’ and loose’.
- People who apologize before saying something judgmental and horrible should have to spend a year attending PTA meetings in a snooty school district while wearing a stained Bob Seger T-shirt and Crocs.
- People who abuse their authority should have to take a 90 hour class dedicated to analyzing the song MacArthur Park. They should also have to eat their weight in off-brand saltines with nothing to drink.
It occurred to me that when I’m feeling super anxious, that I get annoyed with the other humans more easily and it soothes me to think up outrageous punishments.
I think I’m on to something with the Duggar family punishment. That shit would put Scared Straight to shame.
I can’t wait until I’m queen of everything. There’s going to be some changes. I think I’ll get Priscilla, Queen of the Cubicle to co-queen with me. I promise, it will be fun. And probably disturbing.