I wrote a post a few years ago about things you shouldn’t wear after 50 and it resonated with quite a few people.
It also pissed a lot of people off because they didn’t read the article, but instead reacted angrily to the title. It wasn’t about not wearing things. The article was about wearing what you want and not caring about other people’s opinions about what is or is not “age appropriate”.
This post, however, is really about shit your shouldn’t eat after 5o.
Not actual shit. I mean, you shouldn’t eat that either, which is actually good advice for all ages.
There are things you should probably think about phasing out of your diet or not introducing to your diet if you have passed the half century mark.
Holy fuck, that sounds old. Half a century? Damn.
Anyway, here we go. What not to eat after fifty:
- Food you loved as a child, but haven’t had since. You really don’t want to do this. Trust me, you’ll be disappointed. I got some of those little candy dots that are stuck in rows on paper. I loved them when I was a kid. I bought them on purpose when I was a kid, even if there were other choices. Well, they suck. They are just hard little pieces of colored sugar. And not just sugar, it’s paper, too. The paper doesn’t come off. So, they’re basically sugar paper. Who wants sugar paper? Pixie sticks are still good though. Also, Zero bars. Just no. It also occurs to me that my fondest childhood food memories revolve around candy.
- That one thing you love but gives you heartburn. You know it’s going to hurt. You’ve learned the lesson multiple times. So why do you keep eating it? For example, I know I shouldn’t eat cheese coneys with onions. I know I shouldn’t. I am going to feel like I’m giving birth to a porcupine through my esophagus if I eat cheese coneys with onions. But does that stop me? No, it does not. I’m old enough to know better. If you are like me and sometimes indulge in food that you know will bring misery later, then get some gummy Tums. Gummy Tums are the shit. I am never without them. They start working as soon as they hit your tongue.
- Your feelings. Unless your feelings taste like double chocolate fudge brownie ice cream. Then you should definitely eat your feelings. And share them. Don’t be so stingy with the feelings. Aside from the double chocolate fudge brownie ice cream thing, it’s not a good idea to eat something because your brain hurts. And it only gets worse as you age, because it gets more and more difficult to keep emotional eating from making your ass swell. Even though I’ve been slowly losing weight, that didn’t stop my lady parts doctor from lecturing me. She said “You don’t want to have to use a mobility cart in a few years, do you?” Which I thought was slightly harsh. I mean, I know I’m not skinny, but I thought I was pretty fucking far from needing a mobility cart. She did make me consider my habits, though. I have been an emotional eater my entire life. I’m need to change that. Just because there’s such a thing as Lucky Charms Frosted Flakes doesn’t mean I should eat half a box because I’m stressed out about work.
- Food you don’t really want to eat but feel the need to be polite. Fuck that. I am all for being polite and gracious, but if you don’t want something, don’t eat it. The first time I met Randy’s dad, we went to his house for breakfast. He made biscuits and gravy. He offered me a glass of milk and I didn’t really want any, but he offered so I said yes. He did not give me milk. He filled a pint glass full of half and half. I thought I was going die. Seriously. How I managed to drink an entire pint glass of half and half is still a mystery to me. If you don’t want something, just say no. No explanation needed. The only exception to this rule is if a grandkid makes you food. You have to eat whatever they give you. That’s one of the first rules in the grandparent’s handbook. Right before “don’t gloat every time your grandkid acts just like your kid” and right after “It’s okay to cheat in a grandkid’s favor playing Candyland, but only if you don’t get caught.”
So, there you go. My advice to you on what not to eat after age 50. Although, this advice is mostly timeless. Or ridiculous. It could go either way.
Speaking of eating, Randy and I got an instant pot and have been experimenting with it. So far, we’ve been successful, other than the red beans and rice incident.
How about you guys, anyone have a favorite instant pot recipe they want to share? Or some ice cream? I had a shitty day and I could use some ice cream.
Photo courtesy of Skeeze