What Not To Eat After Fifty

I wrote a post a few years ago about things you shouldn’t wear after 50 and it resonated with quite a few people.

It also pissed a lot of people off because they didn’t read the article, but instead reacted angrily to the title. It wasn’t about not wearing things. The article was about wearing what you want and not caring about other people’s opinions about what is or is not “age appropriate”.

This post, however, is really about shit your shouldn’t eat after 5o.

Not actual shit. I mean, you shouldn’t eat that either, which is actually good advice for all ages.

There are things you should probably think about phasing out of your diet or not introducing to your diet if you have passed the half century mark.

Holy fuck, that sounds old. Half a century? Damn. 

Anyway, here we go. What not to eat after fifty:

  1. Food you loved as a child, but haven’t had since.  You really don’t want to do this. Trust me, you’ll be disappointed. I got some of those little candy dots that are stuck in rows on paper. I loved them when I was a kid. I bought them on purpose when I was a kid, even if there were other choices. Well, they suck. They are just hard little pieces of colored sugar. And not just sugar, it’s paper, too. The paper doesn’t come off. So, they’re basically sugar paper. Who wants sugar paper? Pixie sticks are still good though. Also, Zero bars. Just no. It also occurs to me that my fondest childhood food memories revolve around candy.
  2. That one thing you love but gives you heartburn. You know it’s going to hurt. You’ve learned the lesson multiple times. So why do you keep eating it? For example, I know I shouldn’t eat cheese coneys with onions. I know I shouldn’t. I am going to feel  chili coneylike I’m giving birth to a porcupine through my esophagus if I eat cheese coneys with onions. But does that stop me? No, it does not. I’m old enough to know better. If you are like me and sometimes indulge in food that you know will bring misery later, then get some gummy Tums. Gummy Tums are the shit. I am never without them. They start working as soon as they hit your tongue.
  3. Your feelings. Unless your feelings taste like double chocolate fudge brownie ice cream. Then you should definitely eat your feelings. And share them. Don’t be so stingy with the feelings. Aside from the double chocolate fudge brownie ice cream thing, it’s not a good idea to eat something because your brain hurts. And it only gets worse as you age, because it gets more and more difficult to keep emotional eating from making your ass swell. Even though I’ve been slowly losing weight, that didn’t stop my lady parts doctor from lecturing me. She said “You don’t want to have to use a mobility cart in a few years, do you?” Which I thought was slightly harsh. I mean, I know I’m not skinny, but I thought I was pretty fucking far from needing a mobility cart. She did make me consider my habits, though. I have been an emotional eater my entire life. I’m need to change that. Just because there’s such a thing as Lucky Charms Frosted Flakes doesn’t mean I should eat half a box because I’m stressed out about work.
  4. Food you don’t really want to eat but feel the need to be polite. Fuck that. I am all for being polite and gracious, but if you don’t want something, don’t eat it. The first time I met Randy’s dad, we went to his house for breakfast. He made biscuits and gravy. He offered me a glass of milk and I didn’t really want any, but he offered so I said yes. He did not give me milk. He filled a pint glass full of half and half. I thought I was going die. Seriously. How I managed to drink an entire pint glass of half and half is still a mystery to me. If you don’t want something, just say no. No explanation needed. The only exception to this rule is if a grandkid makes you food. You have to eat whatever they give you. That’s one of the first rules in the grandparent’s handbook. Right before “don’t gloat every time your grandkid acts just like your kid” and right after “It’s okay to cheat in a grandkid’s favor playing Candyland, but only if you don’t get caught.”

So, there you go. My advice to you on what not to eat after age 50. Although, this advice is mostly timeless. Or ridiculous. It could go either way.

Speaking of eating, Randy and I got an instant pot and have been experimenting with it. So far, we’ve been successful, other than the red beans and rice incident.

How about you guys, anyone have a favorite instant pot recipe they want to share? Or some ice cream? I had a shitty day and I could use some ice cream.

 

Photo courtesy of Skeeze

 

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45 comments

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  • I admit #3 is my worst…I eat when i’m stressed or sad. And it’s generally something salty like chips or hummus and crackers, and it all seems to end up hanging out on my ass 😐 .
    On the ice cream note…there’s always ice cream at our house for Sarah and Darryl; rarely eat it anymore. So, if you ever find yourself in Nova Scotia, stop by for a dish 🙂

  • I agree with you. Candy doesnt taste as good now. I would have said yes to the milk but would have found a plant to pour it into. My doc said I needed to loose weight coz my blood pressure was on the rise. I was 135lbs. I was like really? I am a “not eater” for stress. Friends that eat arent happy about that especially since Im now 122lbs. Altho some are trying to find reasons to drag me out so “we” need to grab a bite while out. Bless their hearts. Im sure they will be glad when my therapist gets back in October so i quit losing weight and making them look fat. Which they arent they look healthy. I look like i should eat. Lol

  • “I know I shouldn’t eat cheese coneys with onions. I know I shouldn’t. I am going to feel chili coneylike I’m giving birth to a porcupine through my esophagus if I eat cheese coneys with onions.” – I just died, excellent advice.

    • It’s like we’re sisters. I so agree on the SweetTarts. How do you feel about Nerds. I love nerds. The candy and the people. But I only eat the candy. Not the people. I’m not a freak.

  • I bought a can of Spaghettios recently. A huge disappointment and they gave me indigestion. Total bummer all around.

  • Nope, candy is not the same. I ate milk duds yesterday. They got stuck in my teeth, yuck. I did eat a Heath bar and Twix. Our boss is the enabler. I resort to her candy when I am stressed. I guess she knows it, that’s why she keeps it.

    What I have found is no matter what I eat, if I eat it after 8:00pm, that’s when I wake up in the middle of the night with the dragon fire in my chest. Probably the stress doesn’t help either. I keep thinking two more weeks, the house will be rented, the probate will be done and life will be perfect. Nope, there will be another crisis.

  • Ahhh…eating your feelings is my favorite coping mechanism. And I have a giant ass to show for it. But man, bread and chocolate can really hit the spot.

  • I’m a weight coach and always hesitate to read articles about what you shouldn’t eat, but this is right on! And just plain common sense.

  • I will add Razzles to the list of candies that you shouldn’t eat. They’re supposed to be gum but taste good for something like 2 seconds.
    As to number 4 – i still eat my mom’s green bean casserole at thanksgiving but omg – it’s horrible. I think i’ll remember your advice this year. But i’ll probably put some on my plate and move it around – an old kid trick that fools nobody.

  • Bingo again! “What not to wear” was the first of your stories I came across and I was a fan instantly. It is like a very good manual and a classic. This one is going to be too.

  • Those tiny 6 inch pizzas that were cooked in the oven/broiler (before the days of toaster ovens). I remember loving them then, even though they weren’t great, but now they’re just awful. You’ve got to go to at least the 12 inch Brand Name product before they start tasting good again. Oh, and ‘pigs in a blanket’ – boy was that a disappointment!

  • Last night had a rice crispy treat bar. An assortment, bought from a fancy shmancy bakery at a friend’s dinner. 3 bites and yuk. I did eat the caramel pretzel topping but still a waste of a calories and good memories. Ice cream is my kryptonite, can never eat enough so never in the house and never ordered. It gives me stomach aches, the lactose, and migraine, the fat and sugar, but oh how I love it sooooo!! To think I used to be able to have an ice cream cone without any problems in my youth!

  • YES.
    Most of the candies you loved as a kid (except pixie sticks and original SweeTarts – they’re still good). I think they changed the chocolate they use, though; it was probably crap chocolate when I was a kid, but it’s way worse now.
    My Mom’s tuna casserole. Made with cream of mushroom soup with potato chips on top. Went batshit for it. YUK!
    HOWEVER, there are a few things that are (wonder of wonders) still just as good. (I grew up in pre-statehood Hawai’i.)

    Lilikoi (Passion fruit) Ask my husband and kids to tell you about when I disrupted a hike and embarrassed them by charging across a field and reaching through a barbed-wire fence to wrestle some lilikoi away from some goats. This was only about 7 years ago.
    Guava and mango. In pre-school, snack was guava juice and graham crackers. Still one of my go-to comfort foods.
    Li Hing Mui – plums soaked in anise and enough salt to clear the roads all winter and then dried until they are mummified, They look like dirt-covered rocks. Once you have scraped the 1/8 inch of plum flesh off with your lower teeth, you can suck on the pit for another hour and it still has flavor. I don’t have to worry about anybody else in my family stealing them from me.

  • “What not to wear” was my first trip into ‘Rubber Shoes in Hell” also! And what a wonderful trip it is. Sugar babies, my teeth hurt just thinking about them. I still like ‘Slo pokes” though [wink wink].

  • Those little animal cookies coated with pastel-colored frosting that looks like plastic?
    Briana bought a bag of them because she remembered thinking they were awesome when she was a kid, and they were awful.
    My doctor told me to try eating whole grain pasta instead of the regular stuff because it has more fiber and doesn’t basically just turn to sugar when you eat it, but I haven’t tried it yet because we still have two boxes of the regular stuff in the cupboard, and the batch I made night before last was gluten-free for my friend who can’t eat gluten, but we’ll see. I remember selling a few different brands of whole grain pasta at the natural foods warehouse where I worked, but I never tried any of it either.
    I was worried that after I quit drugs I might gain a lot of weight, like I’ve seen some folks do, but I’ve actually developed healthier tastes.
    I still like good candy, but not to excess, like before. A coworker broke a box of Lindt #255 Raspberry Truffles candy bars with the forklift at that same job, and we just ate them. We ate a case of high-end candy bars because we could. Now one little strip of milk chocolate truffles from the dollar store does it for me just fine.
    And I deliberately didn’t try to substitute eating for getting high after my stroke, and for some reason I kind of lost my taste for the worst of the unhealthy food I used to eat. Maybe because I don’t wanna croak just yet or something.
    Lately we’ve been eating a little red meat, which we don’t specifically avoid but just aren’t hungry for usually, as Briana brought some home from her cousin’s house that her cousin raised and had butchered properly, and I had forgotten how good it can be. I didn’t tell Dr. Nelson that part when he asked about my diet this time…
    And where, exactly, do pizzas fit into this whole equation? Because I just ate a cold slice of pepperoni pizza for breakfast.

  • Yes, yes and yes. And about that emotional eating thing. I just committed to joining Weight Watchers. I’ve regained part of the weight I lost between 2012 and 2013 – and guess what – they have a chat function where you can start a chat when you are about to do something stupid. Like indulge in emotional eating. Or eat a favorite childhood food like anything made by Hostess. And someone is on the other end in seconds. Really. I watched someone demonstrate it for me on her phone. That will be worth the price, alone, because my husband doesn’t want to hear it.

  • I found you through the what not to wear article too. I was going to get all angry, because of the headline, but then I read it, and loved it. So glad I did! All the yes to both that article and this one. You have good things to say, and say them with style.
    I still make and eat tuna noodle casserole, but I have updated it considerably. Real mushrooms, gluten free noodles, better quality tuna, lots of pepper and spices, sometimes cheese. Still a comfort food.
    About 35 years ago I had to give up lactose, but the new dairy free ice creams are really good. Real ice cream is better, but it falls in to category 2 — food we love but makes us sick. Heartburn would be a better outcome. Also, I recently had to give up gluten. Had some testing done, and I have the genes for celiac but not the gut symptoms. Giving up gluten cleared up the eczema about 75%, which is awesome on it’s own, but also I lost a bunch of extra weight without really trying. So lucky!
    As long as you eat in the morning, it doesn’t matter if it is breakfast food or pizza. Pizza is actually good, because it has carbs for fast energy, protein for long lasting energy, and cheese for strong bones. Go for it! and don’t be afraid to have scrambled eggs for supper.

    • I have to eat in the morning and I have to have protein. I’m lucky because Randy makes my breakfast every day. Just an egg and whole grain toast or something, but I have to eat or I can’t work. I’m foggy enough without food.

  • I’ve been considering a blender for everything… chewing is exhausting and highly overrated and I think taco smoothies might catch on…

  • That little breaded square of so-called fish they served in the cafeteria on Fridays. How did I ever think that was good? And weirdly that’s the only thing I can think of I loved as a child that disappoints me now, probably because I was such a picky eater it’s a wonder I didn’t die of malnutrition. Hot dogs, potato salad, cole slaw, ketchup–these are just a few things I love as an adult but wouldn’t touch as a kid.
    What really bugs me though is the people who insist that because they like something everybody should like it. I always hesitate to say I don’t like raw tomatoes because it so often leads to the “You just haven’t tried a good one…”
    Yes I have. I don’t like raw tomatoes and I’m done apologizing for it.

  • This is a good list. I don’t have foods that I loved as a child, or at least nothing I would consider giving another try (anything I may have loved as a child that I grew out of love with – most of what I eat now I either already loved as a child or grew in love with as I got older). Never really had Twinkies or other shit like that, which would definitely qualify for other folks!
    I have already given up pepperoni and most entubulated sausages like brats and other wursts, because of the heartburn. I’ve never been an emotional eater, and I learned fairly early the difference between TRYING an uncertain or previously-undesired food/beverage and committing to EATING/DRINKING said item.
    We’ve lived in LA a decade and have only in the last month or so discovered a Hollywood-Staple Ice Cream Joint called Mashti Malone’s (yes, it’s both Persian and Italian). A teensy bit on the pricey side, but the ice cream is Soooooo Good! Worth every penny, and worth the drive outta your way (if it’s outta your way, which it isn’t always).

By Michelle

Michelle

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