In my last blog post I said we have never visited our mountain friends, even once, when the subject of us getting eaten hasn’t been discussed. That is actually completely true. We’ve been friends five years and cannibalism has always been on the table.
Let me explain.
We became friends due to a misunderstanding.
One of Randy’s clients recommended Randy’s services to Mountain Girl, but totally misrepresented what Randy does for a living. Not on purpose or anything. It was an innocent miscommunication. Randy and Mountain Girl talked on the phone for an hour before working out that Randy is not a music publisher. By then, though, they were intrigued enough to talk a little more and Randy ended up doing some work for her.
So, Randy and Mountain girl had known each other for maybe a year before I met her. Until then, she was just another one of Randy’s clients that I would feign interest in. Who is she again? Oh yeah, the one in the Smokey Mountains.
Around five years ago, we drove down to the mountains so Randy could take pictures of Mountain Girl and her band, The Madisons. We were also going to see them play live at a campground. We actually stayed at the campground that first visit. I was not a fan.
Mountain Girl and I kind of clicked that first visit, but it was mostly about the show and rehearsal. Not a lot of “getting to know you time.”
We were invited back for a weekend visit and returned a few months later. This visit was nothing but free time.
I had to take a xanax before we got to their house. We were going to be spending a lot of time with other people, sleeping on their things, using their bathroom, and talking. I prefer doing all those things in my house. In fact, it wasn’t until the last two years that I didn’t have to medicate myself before visiting. In their defense, I do the same thing before visiting extended family, going to events, going to parties, and getting my hair cut. The fact I stopped just means they are some of the rare people I trust completely. Even though I think they might eat me one day.
We arrived and were greeted warmly, between that and the xanax, I didn’t feel too terribly anxious.
Mountain Girl and I were in the kitchen putting beer in the fridge when this conversation took place:
Mountain Girl: You know, we are in the middle of nowhere here. We could ax murder you guys and no one would ever hear it.
Me: I…we..have been here for literally five minutes and you’ve already talked about killing me. I’m going to need alcohol for this.
Translation: Holy shit that is awesomely funny. Please be my best friend until I die.
The next morning, we sat outside drinking coffee.
Me: I’m feeling better about this visit. I mean, we lived through the night.
Mountain Girl: Yeah, we discussed it and decided we want to kind of take our time with this as we will probably be eating you after the ax murdering.
Me: You know we barely know each other, right? You’ve threatened to kill me and eat me in less than 24 hours now.
Translation: Seriously, I love you.
We have since named part of their land “Murder Ridge” which is where we will be killed. There was much discussion over how we will be transported. They settled on dragging us around on blue tarps. They had some abandoned appliances on their land and I convinced them that we should paint them. We call that project “Blue Tarp Art”.
Mountain girl goes back and forth on what kind of rub she is going to use on us. It seems that Randy will be spicy and I will be sweet and savory.
Last year though, I put a kink in their plan.
I informed them that they will not be killing us, that quite the opposite will happen. And after Randy and I do away with them, we will not be eating them. We’re going to have them stuffed and turned into animatronic puppets.
Mountain girl will be wearing scuba gear and will be doing the Thriller dance for all of time. The Bass Player will be in lederhosen and will being doing a river dance alongside Mountain Girl. We might even sell tickets.
Anyway, that is why I said that every time we visit our mountain friends, we discuss Randy and I being eaten.
That’s what all friends do, right?