When Things Don’t Go My Way

W

I am currently pouting my ass off and feel like an asshole for it.

Considering the profound devastation in the Bahamas and the heartbreaking damage on the East coast, it seems silly to be upset that Dorian ruined our vacation.

Right now, as you read this, we should be on the beach with our mountain friends in Carolina Beach, NC.

But we’re not because of the stupid hurricane.

I still took today off work because I needed a pouting day.

I also made a donation to help the Bahamas. I couldn’t think of a better way to make up for being pouty.

Since I am here and not there, I will use this time to tell you about what happened the other night.

Not gonna lie, it’s been a while since I’ve been this curious.

I sat on the front porch because it was cool outside and it’s been a long time since I could comfortably sit on the metal chairs on our front porch.

I heard noise coming from the house next door.

My neighbor and his adult son were standing near the front porch with a shop vac. They had a long rigid tube attached, then another shorter tube to extend it and they were suctioning something from the ground by the tree in their front yard.

What the fuck are they doing? 

Seriously, what are they getting? 

Is it a cobra? What the fuck else are they going to suck up a tube? I mean, it’s not a bear or a honey badger. Probably.

Must be a cobra. 

Or a demon. It could definitely be a demon.

A few times they jumped back and once I heard the neighbor say “Look at that motherfucker.”

One of the grandkids came outside and he yelled “Get baby girl back inside. Now!

What the hell, man. What are they doing? Is it worse than a cobra?

Anyway, the daughter-in-law showed up and was in the driveway right next to them holding two boxes of pizza.

They couldn’t hear her because their backs were to her and the shop vac was right next to them. I was a good 10 yards away and I could hear her fine because no shop vac.

She stood there and said “Hey, y’all want some pizza?” about 20 times.

Dear god, tap them on the shoulder or something, they can’t hear you. Also, what the fuck are they doing? 

Honestly, the whole “pizza” thing just added to the weirdness. And I kind of wanted some pizza.

My neighbor finally looked up in my direction. So after watching for about 20 minutes, I finally got to ask. “What are you doing?”

It was a hornet’s nest.

They were using a shop vac on a hornet’s nest.

My neighbor said hornets were attacking him whenever he mowed his lawn. He tried a bug bomb which didn’t work. So he used a shop vac.

Neighbor: There are about a thousand of them in there.

Me: That container is like the ghost container in Ghostbusters. Don’t open it.

Neighbor:…

I decided to go inside because I wasn’t that far from angry hornets who were being sucked up. My luck hasn’t been that great. I didn’t want to push it.

Here’s to the Bahamas and the East coast recovering.

Here’s to a good week, even if I’m going to be in a cubicle instead of laying on a North Carolina beach.

Here’s to not getting attacked by a cloud of angry hornets.

Also, if anyone ever asks if you’re a god? How do you answer?

Oh, and this picture? These sunflowers are growing at the back of our deck. This is their last gasp. 

 

 

 

 

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25 comments

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  • So what did they do with the first harvest of Vacced hornets and subsequent one(s)? What does one do with a Shop Vac o’ Hornets? Are they stupid ass neighbors or brilliant neighbors? See, I really don’t understand this kind of stuff.
    Oh this must be why no one has ever asked me if I’m God. Or a god. I always assume they know I am. Until I am confronted with this hornet vacuuming shit.
    Sorry about the bitch that was Dorian. Sucks in so many ways. But whatever you do don’t even plan for Alabama next time…you know that Conehead of Imbecility can control the fucking weather now .
    I sunflower you with anti-pout dust, my lovely one.

  • Don’t try this at home kids! Thanks for the laugh! I have actually heard of this method before but I certainly wouldn’t do it. I would leave ot to the professionals.

  • Well, Ellen got in just about everything I wanted to say, so I’ll just say Hi and to whine a little about you still not having a ‘like’ button.

    Did Mountain Girl get through the storm O.K.? We’ve just gone through the last of our emergency water, and have now replaced it. (Our tap water is toxic). Signs EVERYWHERE for donations to the Bahamas – I just hope that it all goes there with no side trips into ‘unworthy’ pockets. It is always eye opening to me that no matter what poor financial condition one might be in, there are ALWAYS people worse off than you are, and even giving $1.00 is helping someone. Haven’t heard about anything our government is doing yet, other than talking about what to do.

  • Oh, mercy, I needed that laugh. Thank you. I use my shopvac to suck up acorns. The neighbors probably wonder why I vacuum the front lawn. I hope it’s OK to share information about Harry…

    I had the privilege of attending Harry/Jerry’s memorial service. It was a packed house including professional peers, family friends and children. Jerry was highly respected in the legal aid community and was described as non-judgmental, an active listener and an educator. The family was presented with a certificate from the Mayor declaring August 27 as Jerry Larson, Jr. Day. His brother Jeff gave a loving eulogy. He got teary at the beginning and the church deacon stepped up, wrapped an arm around Jeff and read the eulogy until he could continue. It was a touching moment. Jeff referred to Jerry’s heroes, favorite musicians and books. I remember Peter Gabriel, Roger Waters, William Burroughs and The Book by Alan Watts. I hope Jeff will post the text because the list was longer. Astro the cat has a good home. He lives with a delightful woman who has a young daughter that enjoys his furry companionship.

  • Also, if anyone ever asks if you’re a god? How do you answer?… I believe God is Love and Love is in all of us. It’s my yapping Ego that interferes with my ability to know Love, Forgiveness and Acceptance. In those rare moments when I can clear my mind, I try to connect with the Love within me.

  • I feel like an asshole for saying this but it took me about two seconds to think, hey, they’re using a shop vac to suck hornets out of a nest. And that’s brilliantly stupid or stupidly brilliant. And, going with the Ghostbusters theme, I want the daughter-in-law to turn out to be like Holtzmann, meaning she took the shop vac and turned it into a super hornet-crunching machine.
    Yes, I did just reference the 2016 Ghostbusters, which I liked, and not just because its very existence pissed off a bunch of manbabies. I thought it was funny and well done and comparing it to the original is kind of like comparing The Shape Of Water and Splash. They’re vastly different films even if they’re both basically about someone fucking a fish.

  • I too am pouting, I am supposed to be on the the beach with you right now. We would be slightly sunburned and a little drunk. There would be sand in our britches but we wouldn’t care. The sound of the waves would drown out the sound of our husbands’ stupid jokes. Instead I’m listening to the sound of contractors hammering on my roof, and one of them is singing country music.

    • Oh no…anything but that.

      Well..I mean, I guess it’s fine or whatever. Stupid weather.

      And yes, the jokes will either drive us mad or set us free. Kinda curious how that’s going to pan out.

  • First: Thank you Pam, you just made my day.

    Second: I’ve seen videos where they used a shop vac to catch hornets, and they all seemed to be dead when they opened the canister, but I can’t see myself trusting that to work.
    Briana uses the vacuum to suck up ants and spiders, and she is pretty much freaked out by spiders, so I always tease her that the spiders are deep in the vacuum cleaner conspiring and plotting revenge.
    Some of the bloggers I read who live in Canada lost power when Dorian came through.
    So I have a musician’s joke about Dorian: When Dorian strengthened over the ocean it was upgraded to Phrygian, but due to the damage it left in its wake (and the vacations it ruined) it was downgraded to Aeolian.

    • I am going to go ahead and admit that I don’t get your joke at all. But I’m guessing Mountain Girl will get it.

      I’m cool with spiders. I wasn’t always. Sometime in the past five years, I’ve been more buddies with them. However, if they’re huge and they startle me (in the house only) I’m probably going to kill it. I’m working on it.

    • I am going to go ahead and admit that I don’t get your joke at all. But I’m guessing Mountain Girl will get it.

      I’m cool with spiders. I wasn’t always. Sometime in the past five years, I’ve been more buddies with them. However, if they’re huge and they startle me (in the house only) I’m probably going to kill it. I’m working on it.

  • apparently, adding dish soap and water to the shop vac before vacuuming helps kill them — https://www.reddit.com/r/videos/comments/30s1yu/removing_wasps_with_a_shop_vac_its_quite_effective/
    Wasps are assholes, but hornets are motherfuckingassholeshitbuckets. ya know, on a scale of 1 to 10.
    Harry/Jerry sounds like he was a wonderful person.
    I am glad you and Randy and Mountain Girl got through the storm ok.
    I have never been asked if I am a god. I have, however, been told on several occasions that I am NOT a god.

  • Dorian, Phrygian, and Aeolian are modes, which are patterns of notes with a certain “flavor” to them.
    Dorian is for lack of a better term, pretty. Phrygian has more dissonance to it and sounds harsher. Aeolian, also known as minor, has a sadness to it.

  • Oh My Gosh! What a lovely Sunflower! I never get to see those colors on them <3

    Judging from the shop vac usage, the care and safety of baby girls and the pizza profferings… at least you know you're in the RIGHT neighborhood?

    😀

    I'm sorry about your vacation, but I'm glad you have sided with caution. I'd use a 'pouty' day from work, too. Much better than snarling and trying so hard not to bite the innocent 😉

    I'm looking forward to more 'porch' stories!!

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