What Women Over Fifty Shouldn’t Wear: Part Deux

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I wrote a post a year ago about what women over fifty shouldn’t wear.

The post was popular and seemed to touch a nerve with a lot of people.

Some of which were very upset over being told, once again, what they should and shouldn’t wear if they are of “a certain age”. To those people I say: Hahahaha you crazy kids. You should really read more than the headline before posting a comment. Also, I fully admit that the headline has a bit of a “click bait” stench to it, but still, you should find out what the intent of the article is before leaving shitty comments. 

In revisiting this theme, it became glaringly obvious that I left some things off the “what not to wear” list.

  • Bitterness – When you are bitter, then you get lip lines. You know those lines. The lines that makes your lipstick bleed up onto your face. When you are bitter, you make a face that is the opposite of “duck face”. You pucker your lips up instead of pushing them out, making an “asshole face”. If you stop wearing bitterness, then you won’t have to suffer the heartbreak of lip lines caused by perpetual asshole face.
  • Anything that hurts – For all that is fucking holy, we have bodies. Many of us humans have bodies with peaks and valleys. That sounds more scenic than rolls and bulges. Is it really necessary to squeeze ourselves into squishy underwear that makes a good mood nearly impossible? We are who we are. We don’t have to bind ourselves to be more visually pleasing to the other humans. Unless we are going to our class reunion, in which case, the super squishy Spanx are in order. It’s not just trying to force our tummies to be flat and our asses to stop jiggling. Must we force our feet into shoes that pinch our toes and break our hips? I’m not suggesting that you give up your shoe habit. I’m suggesting you wear footwear that is stylish/funky/trendy and also not a death trap. Personally, I find a nice pair of combat boots works with so many different looks.
  • Doormats – Not actual doormats, that is just silly and not at all practical as clothing. Although, a doormat would be more practical than a meat dress. I’m looking at you, Gaga. I mean, give up being a doormat. Don’t wait for people to come around and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Don’t stew in frustrated anger when people put unreasonable demands on you. Stand up for yourself. Honestly, in all likelihood, no one else is going to stand up for you. It makes no sense to not defend ourselves. We deserve nothing less.
  • Pettiness – Wearing pettiness just isn’t safe. Pettiness adversely affects your vision. When you wear pettiness, you can’t see beyond whatever ugly thought you are clinging to. When you surround yourself in pettiness, then you limit your range of motion. You won’t grow. You won’t appreciate beauty or humor or clean drinking water. If you wear pettiness, then you are willfully choosing to box yourself in and are admitting you’d rather feel ugly thoughts or behave badly toward other people than live with peace and joy and contentment. Pettiness does have a slimming effect, though, in that it makes your face look drawn. If you must continue to wear pettiness, then at least give up wearing the color yellow because the combination makes you look like a ghoul.
  • Sticks – The kind of stick that finds its way into a person’s ass. Get the stick out of your ass. By the time we hit that half century mark, we should be beyond contributing to the women bashing women movement. We should not only refuse to share memes comparing a Kardashian to a Diana, we should point out how damaging they are to all women. I have to think if a woman feels compelled to slut shame, ridicule or tear down another woman, it has to be because there is a huge, throbbing stick up her ass. Also, this really doesn’t just apply to women over fifty. The sticks need be removed regardless which decade you are currently in. Having a stick up your ass sucks all the joy out of your life. Then you get wrinkles. This is science, people.

I’m not saying that I don’t have to extract the occasional stick or that I am never petty or bitter. None of us are perfect, but there isn’t any reason we can’t try shed some habits that are better left behind. Shedding baggage becomes more important as we age. This middle part of life is a lot more fun than I thought it would be. I’m finding that the lighter I pack, the easier it is to find the fun parts.

 

Image courtesy of Stefan Schweihofer via Pixabay

 

 

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  • I see that Randy’s post inspired you! Now you’re using French in the headlines! Tres bien! 😉

    When I was younger, I admit that I had a tendency to be one of those people who would judge other women and their motives (or whatever else I didn’t feel was “acceptable”)—hell, I judged men, too! But, as I ripened—I do not believe I’ll ever be mature—haha!—I stopped and asked myself why I was so worried about other peoples’ lives and business. Much of that behavior stems from insecurity, and also, in my case, immaturity, on the part of the judger. When you are more accepting of yourself, more comfortable in your own skin, you don’t give a shit about what other people are doing as much. Okay, unless someone’s behavior is SO outrageously bad that fixing a critical stare and attitude upon them is a no-brainer and well-deserved. There ARE times like that. And yes, I revert! 😀

    And I’m not sure the stick up some women’s asses are “huge and throbbing”. Otherwise, they might actually end up in a BETTER mood! (Batteries not included.) HAHA!

    Excellent read for a VERY cold Sunday morning! We are in the low 40s this morning and even with the heat on, my hands are like ice. Brrrr…… And crap! I’m out of oatmeal!!!

    • Hahah..low 40s and I would still be wearing flip flops. It’s in the teens here and I hate it.

      Yeah, I just find it easier to live and let live. That doesn’t mean that I don’t have moments of judgyness or pettiness, but I try to recognize it, process it and let it go. Life is easier that way. At least for me.

  • *wraps other half of blankie around Terri Lee*

    Seriously? Out of oatmeal?
    *hands over hot coffee mug*

    We can squish into some spandex and hit Walmart on a Sunday for a trial run using Randy’s shopping advice. Are you the cart rammer, or am I? We’ll grab some Satan’s butt paste and hemorrhoid ointment while we’re there 🙂

    But, first, I have to go back and read parte uno. (I don’t know French, but I wanna look smart, too… ) I wish I’d been there for the comment section. A year ago 🙂

    Michelle, Michelle, Michelle 🙂 I think you just outlined a sweet little dress code manual for sobriety after 50.
    I mean, if one intends to stay that way. Sober, not over 50. One’s a decision, the other a given… right?
    Otherwise, Spanx and Pettiness work wonders for scoring a drink at a two-man bar.
    The insert-able Stick adornment, that so many women have turned into formal wear, doesn’t have a deteriorating quality after so many years of use.
    Unfortunately.
    Like stitches, it should just be absorbed by the body as the self defense and superiority needs diminish.
    (Probably the inability to change the batteries is where that all went wrong… 🙂
    But, Bitterness.
    The best part about Bitterness is that it finally fits when you’re 50. I’ve tried on so many styles and sizes of Bitterness over the years! I’ve finally got the pucker and the glare working in perfect unison.
    Harsh enough to silence a group of business men chatting over briefcases in the elevator.
    Raw enough to make cute young things drop their eyes in deference to my hard earned ‘asshole face’ lip lines.
    Yes, I had to stop wearing lipstick…the ‘etch-a-sketch’ look isn’t good on anybody, but sacrifices have to be made when wearing Bitterness.
    I’m keeping my Bitterness.
    I’ll shed Pettiness, because it is much better suited to the gals who are still working on the decision to keep their Stick.
    (Pretty sure the doc removed the last of my stick during my last surgery 🙂 )
    Pettiness is a hard accessory to maintain and wear proudly. Like arctic fox or harp seal, people will publicly shame you, eventually.

    *laces up combat boots*
    *wraps the other half of blankie around Terri Lee*

    Glad Randy’s feeling good enough for you to come have coffee with us! I’m going over to check out the comments on Part One 🙂

    Your hands warming up, Terri Lee?

    • Haha…you do what works for YOU, sister. 🙂

      The comments on my original post on my blog are fine. That article was also on Huffington Post and the comments on their FB page were brutal. haha. Oh well…can’t please everyone, especially people who read Huffpost.

    • HAHA! Yes, my hands have warmed up–a little anyway. It warmed up more yesterday when the temps ended up in the lower 70s. I was wearing a light sweater, instead of a coat. 😉

      *holding blanket closed* (Yes, I am a blanket hogger! Until I get a hot flash…)

      You and Michelle will be proud of me. Yesterday, I fired the asshole lawyer I had hired and then, a friend who had come down to help me, went with me to the store and now, I am not only stocked with oatmeal, but I also have Cheerios, grapefruit, Satan’s raspberry butt paste AND a case of milk chocolate Ensure! Oh…and a box of Entenmann’s chocolate covered, yellow cake donuts! HAHA! It’s my New Year’s resolution to eat happier, as opposed to healthier. 🙂 But, on a serious note, may I just say that firing that lawyer took a shit load of weight off of my shoulders? I immediately felt better when I did that and managed to accomplish in a half hour what he had been dragging on endlessly, with no resolution in sight. Yes, I learned an expensive lesson, but at least I learned it. (I think Paul was pushing me—my “I’m right here” moment, Lisa K.) I should actually have a few hundred dollars coming back to me from my “trust”, but probably “closing my files” will cost exactly what’s in the trust! I’m waiting to see… May I say that I NEEDED my Bitter Face at a time like that. I’m sorry, but there ARE times you just have to nail someone’s ass to the wall, there is no other way.

      So, Lisa K. and Michelle, if you aren’t busy this coming weekend, you want to put on our hot pink Spandex, head down to Walmart and practice scaring the crap out of people with our Bitter Faces? Maybe we can offend a Nigerian Prince! I’ll treat you to coffee and biscotti, if you’re up for it! 😀

        • I’m putting any Nigerian Prince we find in a box. With a tag. So I can show everyone.

          It will be fun to parade around in our hot pink Spandex while we tell him how happy we are that we answered his email and could then buy our Spandex in hot pink.

          Michelle, you put other cart-rammers to shame. Hats off 🙂

          Terri Lee? Wherever did you find this delightful biscotti??

  • I have more than 300 months before I turn fifty, but these seem like very good words of advice for people of all ages.

    For example, if someone were to wait until fifty to remove the stick, it seems like it would be lodged in there too far to be easily removed.

    I suppose I oought to go check out part 1 now…

  • Gaga ripped the meat dress idea off a performance artist from Montreal who wore one as part of an art piece in the late 80s (the title had “Flesh Dress” in it). I don’t know if that makes me aligned or misaligned with the list, but I hate it when pop stars swipe something from someone more obscure and get lauded for how original and out-there they are.

    Otherwise: yeah, totally. I shared your original list around, and some of the people I shared it with actually cheered.

  • Gotta tell ya – a few years ago I shed the Doormat and quite a few people got really pissed at me (mostly family). Even after saying “no” a few dozen times I would eventually cave in. No more. The problem is, now they think I’m a bitch. Seems like a fair trade to me!

  • Well said! Excellent advice for any age or gender. Wish I had something funny to add, but I got nothing. Just a big smile from reading your post.

  • I would love to say to certain people, “Oh you are wearing your petulant pettiness today” but than I would be a bit petty too so I will just think it because I know I don’t look good in it!
    Thanks for giving me a tangible what not to wear!

  • I love this! And your Part One is how I found your blog, so I’m grateful for it from many perspectives. I’ve always been one for comfort and function, though I love beauty as well…

  • Thank you for this. Not for me, of course, but for everyone else. We who are perfection have no needs. Just kidding…I’m a mess trying to unmess and you are helping in that process. I’m sharing.

  • Loved this as much as part 1. All true. Especially asshole face – way too many of those around and they do tend to spew shit unfortunately but hey, let’s not be bitter or we might get asshole face :-0 A brilliant guide for over 50s fashion (says she, sitting here in a fluffy onesie with a hood and bunny ears).

  • The great thing about these suggestions is they apply equally to both genders.

    Although, guys, really–let’s stop insisting that others wear doormats, okay? If we wouldn’t wear one ourselves there’s no good reason to ask others to do so.

  • I think I’ll post this next to the mirror in my closet as a reminder not to wear any of this crap before I walk out the door. I sometimes slip into a bit of judgmentalness (that’s probably not a word, but you get the idea), and that just needs to go to Goodwill.

  • Fun filled fact: Lady Gaga’s meat dress was taxidermized/jerkied, painted red again to maintain authentic raw meat color, and is in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. Where I saw it last Wednesday.

    #thehorror

  • Definitely no to spandex and shoes that hurt, feel that bitterness is slipping away too. Doormat however seems to find its way back on quite a few occasions. I like the ditch the doormat and become a bitch comment though…..

  • Love this, yep, Spanx are something I wear once in a blue moon and I really don’t know why I bother. I spend the whole night regretting it, especially when I need to pay a visit to the ladies! Nightmare!

    I’m a recent convert to the boots go with everything, in my case DMs or Sheepskin flat boots!

    Wah, but what about all the lovely shoes in my wardrobe? I just can’t seem to wear them for more than an hour, unless I’m inside somewhere where I can sit down and don’t have to stand up very often.
    I look at them longingly occasionally but they are excruciatingly painful these days, so I think my 4 inch heels days are numbered.

    Trying not to be bitter, or a doormat, or bitter toward those that treat me like one but I’m still working on that.

    Other women, yep, been working on this theory that we all need to start supporting each other but boy is it hard work to make that work in the music world. It’s an area where women really do need to support each other but most seem to perceive everyone else as a threat, which is so counter productive.

  • Know of a woman who wore the heavy duty Spanx under her ‘mother of the bride ‘ outfit. Felt some strange pains and thought that they just went with the territory and then collapsed right after the vows on her daughter’s wedding day. She had an abdominal aortic anneurism and nearly died. I don’t think the Spanx were the cause but it goes to show what women are prepared to endure.

  • Love your advice! Some of the best I’ve ever heard! I’ve often wondered why women can’t be kinder to one another..so often they are just petty and mean. Sad and disheartening. A few years ago (although I’m not quite to 50 yet) I had a life changing event. Changed my whole outlook. Life’s too short! I decided then, no one would ever (hubby, etc) tell me what to wear again. I’m gonna wear what I damn well want to! Why?! Because I can! Growing up, I always heard that older women had to cut their hair. Well, that ain’t gonna happen! One I look HORRIBLE in short hair!, and two, I don’t want to!!!! No more spanx for me! No more killer heels! Boots and flip flops work for almost every situation. Sometimes, I hear, that’s not proper…well guess what sister!? I’M NOT PROPER EITHER!! lol. I discovered people take themselves and life way too seriously. I used too. Almost killed me. Trust me, it wasn’t worth it!! Live every single day on your own terms!!

By Michelle

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