Worst Case Scenario Anxiety

“Drinking bourbon and avoiding housework on a Sunday afternoon is no way to go through life, son. “

This is the circular thought I’m having on a Sunday afternoon. It’s accompanied by the song SOB by Nathanial Rateliff and the Night Sweats.

You know how people say that we all have some natural talent? Shouldn’t I have found this by now?

Okay, to those of you who I love like frozen crazy who are going to say this writing thing is it…I am saying to you…HAHAHAHAHAFUCKINGHAHAHAHA. All I do is write down whatever I am thinking and then delete the 90% that is just batshit crazy. It’s not a talent, it’s a release that I am pretty sure keeps me functional.Β 

Follow your bliss!

My bliss is watching Netflix, mentally planning ways to get my house ready to sell, and then not doing it. It might also include impure thoughts about Sam and Dean Winchester. I really don’t think the money is going to follow that particular bliss. I could be wrong, but I don’t think so.

On the other hand, I do have a lot to not panic over right now.

So, if you are a regular reader, then you know 2016 has been kicking our ass. You know that Randy had surgery and then some scary fucking complications. He’s still being treated. We have had a drainage tube with a bag keeping us company for over a month now. We really thought it was coming out last Thursday, but alas, the bag stays until next week. Even then, we’re not holding our breath. We’ve learned that will just make us blue in the face.

Randy calls one of his grandchildren “mad dog”. She happened to be here visiting when Randy first got sick. He let her decorate and name his drain bag, mad bag.

I am goddamn sick of mad bag. The Sponge Bob stickers and googly eyes make it a little easier to take. But still, really goddamn sick of mad bag. And if I am sick of it, I can only imagine how done Randy is with mad bag.

Still, Randy is here. He’s home and he’s starting to look like himself again. He also got on my nerves today, so I’m pretty sure that means he’s nearly himself again. Also, he’s lost that “weak and agreeable like a sick kitten” glow.

We had a company party at my work at the end of last month. Some pretty awesome prizes are given away at this party and I won the second largest prize of the night, which was a fuck ton of money to spend at our store. We’re finally getting some grown up furniture.

I have to focus on the positive right now, it’s a self preservation thing.

I knew this was coming.

I was afraid that the stress of Randy’s illness would catch up with me. My defenses were down and I feared I’d end up with the West Nile Monkey Pox or something. Either that, or I’d have an anxiety tsunami.

You guys, I should have at least opened an umbrella or something.

My anxiety has exploded over the past few weeks. Something had to give. I get that.

But damn.

This has been particularly bad and terribly fatalistic. I won’t go into details because its just fucking boring. Normal, run of the mill anxiety.

Doesn’t mean it’s not kicking my ass, though.

I have spent a fair amount of time over the past few weeks running through worst case scenario anxiety and how following my bliss could bail us out at the last minute.

So far, I haven’t come up with a single happy ending. I’m okay with that. If I could just get through the day without getting choked on my anxious thoughts, then I would forgo the happy ending.Β Get your mind out of the gutter. I didn’t mean that kind of “happy ending”.Β 

I’ve been meaning to get a new tattoo for a few years now. I keep putting it off.

My birthday is in a week and a half. Perhaps I need to give this tattoo to myself for my birthday.

Under the inside ankle of my right foot, I am going to have the words “Don’t Panic” tattooed in a typewriter font.

It will serve both as an homage to Douglas Adams and as a reminder.

Don’t panic.

Everything will be okay.


Oh, and I can’t tell you how perfect this picture on this post is. I have recurring anxiety dreams that revolve around green, murky water. The water can be still and I submerge, or it comes at me in a wave. This picture perfectly shows my anxiety water waves. I have no idea why I find the image oddly comforting.Β 


Photo courtesy of Austin Schmid

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  • Anxiety can kick my ass. I’ve been so anxious, recently, that I almost cleared off the table in our booth at the restaurant. Not good. I have seen my psychiatrist and she prescribed yet another medicine.


    Hopefully it will work.

    I feel your pain. Anxiety, along with paranoia, can be a real mother up to the point that some weaker beings kill themselves over it. I don’t believe that you are strong to pull the trigger or whatever. I think a strong person turns the doorknob and goes out one more time, time after time or just sits up and takes nourishment.

    Now I don’t think that you’re on a suicidal path. Nope, uh uh. You can likely understand where those folks are coming from though. I know I can. I’ve been too close to being a chicken. I decided that I’m going to wait and see what’s next. I HAVE to know if you get that tattoo.

    • Nope. I am very grateful that I don’t suffer from any suicidal tendencies. I just sometimes feel very hopeless..but not like I don’t want to go on. So that is good.

      I’m pretty sure I will be getting that tattoo soon.

  • I suffer from anxiety and my husband just had his two knees replaced a month ago. I also could go on and on, but like the green tidal wave in your photo, I’m anxiously (no pun intended) waiting for the wave to recede; I’m sure you know exactly what I mean. Netflix, bottles of red and bits of chocolate are my ticket to the other side. Hang in there!

  • I wanted to ask, but I didn’t want to come off all stalkery. HE STILL HAS THE DAMN BAG IN? WTF?

    Oh. Ok. That did come off as a bit stalkery. Sorry.

    Look – I hate tattoos. My cousin asked for money for a tattoo for Christmas and I told her that I wouldn’t give her money to mutilate her body.

    I will give you money for this tattoo. That’s how perfect it is.

    • Hahahha…thank you! Yeah, I am looking forward to it. I have 3 and want this one and MAYBE one more.

      Yes..we still have the stupid bag. The drainage thingy keeps getting clogged up. Hopefully when we go back Thursday, it will come out.

  • Did you know that the kid who plays Sam has anxiety and depression? I Facebook stalk him and he’s started this awareness thing, it’s pretty great. If you figure out how to monetize obsessing over tv shows, I’m right there with you. Xo

    • I actually did know that! My mother got me a hoodie for Christmas that supports his cause. I love that he is open about his depression and anxiety issues. It gives me hope. I am stunned by how many people still feel like it’s a choice. Who would do that? Who would CHOOSE to feel anxiety or depression??

  • That sounds like a perfect tattoo on a couple levels.

    I wouldn’t be able to get that one because I need things stated in positive terms. So it would have to be “Breathe,” and maybe on the inside of my hand. I could say it was a “Dark Side of the Moon” reference.

    • That is awesome! I get the positive angle and think it very wise…in this case, however, I am such a huge Douglas Adams fan. He made me laugh when I didn’t think I could. I still mourn his passing.

  • Good luck with the tattoo. A friend of mine who is in the medical profession but uses very salty language, had the word ‘grace’ tattooed to her under elbow.

  • Just being able to write like you do has to be a help – but I understand so much how you feel. Anticipating the anxiety is almost as bad as being in it.

    Can’t wait to see all the gorgeous new furniture!

    • I am SO EXCITED about the furniture..but mostly about the awesome new mattress set. We were JUST making noises about needing a new bed and saying..well..in another year. But no…it’s going to be THIS WEEK! woo hoo! Take THAT insomnia. Okay..I will still probably have insomnia..but I’ll be more comfortable while I’m not sleeping.

  • I have also been contemplating a tattoo for a while now and of course, have yet to get one. At one time, I wanted to get a black scorpion tattooed on my thigh (my birth sign). But, when I tried a temporary one on my thigh just to get an idea of whether I’d like it, every time I’d casually catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I’d jump and gasp. It kept scaring the shit outta me! HAHA! I’d think I had a bug on my leg. So, that was out!

    I’ve been a living, breathing poster child for anxiety most of my life and now, it’s just over the top. I have blood tests that I’m supposed to have done, but haven’t been able to bring myself to go alone to get it over with. I’ve been overwhelmed with the thought of having to get the income taxes taken care of for the first time by myself. (The only thing I ever had to worry about regarding our taxes in the past was when Paul would finish them and say, “Here, sign your name on this line and date it.”) My joints had been killing me for the last week due to the colder weather and at least today, it has warmed up to where I finally feel some relief. I’m in this fucking weird Twilight Zone. I wish I could find something to help the anxiety, but I feel “stunned”, almost like being paralyzed. But, what can you do? You keep moving forward however you can, even if your feet feel as if someone encased them in cement blocks.

    And I believe you may have been channeling the dark green water that was, until last week, my above ground pool! Haha! My neighbor finally came over with some shock treatment to put in there and it’s now, miraculously, CLEAR. Damn, that shit must be STRONG! I’m not sure though if I’m keeping the pool. I’d like to, but I know more about “birthin’ babies” than I do about pool maintenance and, much like Prissy, I’m NO expert on “birthin’ babies”!

    Hey, Lisa K.! What do you say to a girls’ night out tattoo party?

    And Michelle, thank you for the picture of the wave instead of one of “Mad Bag”. HA!!!

    • Oh, I have pictures, but I suspect Randy would be horrified if I posted mad bag. haha.

      I have a small tattoo on my inner wrist and for months whenever I caught a glimpse of it, I thought something was crawling on me. I got used to it, though.

      • M*****. F*****.
        Cyber space has my good post.

        OK. Fine. Not meant to be.

        Good Morning Terri Lee!! Would you give Michelle one of those big squishy hide-right-here hugs? Cyberspace ate mine and now I’m all prickly.
        And tell her that I said to tell Randy to hang in there! I have bag stories that will make him love that drainage accessory πŸ™‚ No, I won’t tell, here πŸ™‚

        Good Morning Michelle and Randy :):)
        *wiggles shoulders under long-sleeved, wrap-around coat*
        Yes!! Girl’s Tattoo Night!
        We have to get drunk for tattoo night. I’ve tried twice over the last 20 years, and now that I don’t drink, I imagine it’ll be lick-n-sticks for the rest of my life.
        But… if I DO get to get drunk one more time, my tattoo is going to be a rocking rearing unicorn so when I’m old…er I can tell people ‘I’m off my rocker.’

        I’m soooo sorry everybody is having such a rough time of it. Since the Voodoo doll incident, me and God have a pretty good understanding of my learning levels for patience and trust.
        I won’t use the Voodoo doll again.
        (But, I swear it worked. That bitch left!!! πŸ™‚

        For over 10 years now, I’ve been using color therapy and healing frequencies to supplement my counseling and pharmaceuticals.

        Here are a couple of my faves:

        and this:
        and read this:

        I swear it helps. Plus, it makes me think about something besides how crazy I feel. (Crazy=anxious, nervous, suicidal, murderous, depressed, angry. Even happy. What the fuck is happy supposed to feel like???)
        I have evolved my yoga and meditations into a whole healing/maintenance practice. I can bring my heart rate down in 5 breaths and for my last surgery, my readings were low enough to set off the ‘she’s dying bell’ when I approached REM sleep. The nurse was kind enough to turn off the alarm after the third ‘resuscitation’ so I could get some sleep πŸ™‚

        I like that it’s free and completely at your own pace and comfort level. And I like that it has zero side effects.

        (I’m working with blue and silver-grey, today… πŸ˜‰

        I send you, my Comrades, a ‘live-able’ day today. ‘Good’ seems highly over-rated and sets me up with expectations and hope. ‘Live-able’ means my coping mechanisms are functioning and all that hard work is paying off. Especially if I didn’t bite anyone.
        We can do this.

        Terri Lee? Can you give me a hand with my duct tape? Just put it over my mouth, but low on my upper lip. I hate when it touches the bottom of my nose.

      • I give up.
        Cyberspace is out to get me today.
        Three times the charm.
        I will die laughing if my other two posts miraculously appear.
        Hugs to you, Michelle πŸ™‚
        “Hang in there!” to Randy.
        Good Morning, Terri Lee. Get my duct tape ready, please. I just broke the cyberspace anxiety threshold and I feel like biting real people.

          • OK, everybody go buy lottery tickets.
            I’m not biting (Thanks, Terri Lee and Rage-M!) and cyberspace has regurgitated one of my replies.
            It’s a miracle.

          • All Heil The Great and Powerful Rage M!!
            And here I was, giving God another crack at my good day.
            For God’s sake, don’t put the other one up πŸ™‚
            (I thought he was pissed about me bringing up the Voodoo doll incident again… )

        • Well, I do not drink alcohol either, so any crazy ass things I do, I have no choice but to own them! Haha!

          I will try those links out, Lisa K. Will I be transported back into my Earth/Flower Child days? You know, like psychedelic flashbacks? ✌️

          So, to add to my previous shitty week and my anxiety run amok, I checked on my laundry and was greeted with a distinct burning odor. Apparently, my washer is now on the fritz and I’ll probably need to cough up more money for a new one. Fuck! It seems like ever since Paul passed, I have to hand over more money to someone every time I turn around! I need to fucking quit turning around! Send me some voodoo for that, Lisa!

          • Ahh, Sweetie! Wanna hide in Oregon for awhile? I will call you George and pet you and love you and rub your fur the wrong way πŸ™‚

            And, yeah…you can be transported anywhere you want in the frequency assisted therapy world… try this one. It’s the one that got me hooked:
            Any chance it’s just a belt on your washer?
            Or, bigger, it may just need a new transmission (that’s what mine smelled like, too ) Is there black stuff under it?
            They will try to tell you it’s just as expensive to replace the transmission as it is to buy a new one. BUT. If you like your old one, you will never find a new one as good. If you can find someone to check it out for you…wish I lived closer πŸ™
            I’m sending you big comfy ‘everything will be OK’ hugs πŸ™‚
            And my Voodoo doll has to stay in her Tupperware. I promised.
            But, I have a magic wand and an Easy Button that are still OK to use…

          • *packing bag to move to Oregon and become George* πŸ˜€

            Black stuff under what? The clothes or the machine itself? My washer is 17 years old, but has worked great with no problems, until now. It’s an Amana. I called a company that has been in business here since 1955 and Paul has used them in the past when he needed to buy parts. He really liked them, so I figured I’d give them a try. They’re coming out Thursday, so I will email you and let you know how things go. I’ll hit the “easy button” for it to be the belt! That shouldn’t be too costly! Right? HAHA! Oh, geez…..

            Did I get your duct tape situated comfortably enough for you?

          • Good choice with the Easy Button!
            And EXCELLENT idea using Paul’s experienced repair guys πŸ™‚
            The black stuff will be under the washer. The belt may be there, too :):)
            I’ll be looking forward to that inexpensive fix-it email!!
            *smiles under well placed duct tape*
            Doesn’t itch at all!!

  • I have been fortunate enough to never have suffered from anxiety while alive (50 years – except when on a plane and the turbulence was so bad my little plastic cup of ice crashed to the floor below). Until …. the latter part of 2015, when my sister and I had to put my father in an assisted living facility, take his car away, sell his condo, etc. When I finally felt I could breathe a sigh of relief because he was settled, I woke up one morning to find that only one side of my face moved. Yup! I had Bell’s Palsy. Not a pretty sight. Went to the doc, got my meds. I was fortunate in that I made a complete recovery in about 3 weeks. Scariest thing that ever happened to me besides the cup ‘o ice on the plane floor!

  • My worst anxiety episode once happened while I was in line to get a bagel. A bagel. They’re some sinister motherfuckers I guess, and I almost fainted.
    Im getting a matching tattoo, dont panic – get a bagel

  • I’m sending you big, squishy, hide-right-here hugs.
    My tattoo (when I get drunk enough, again…tried twice over the last 20 years. Now I don’t drink, so, pretty sure I’m stuck with lick and sticks… ) is going to be a rocking, rearing unicorn, so I can say , “I’m going off my rocker!”
    I’m sorry you’re dealing with so much. Sometimes I look up at God and ask, “Seriously? Didn’t we already work some of this out? I don’t want to be this good at patience and trust!”
    (After the voodoo doll incident, me and God have a pretty good understanding… )
    And I’ve had plenty of opportunities to work on my patience and trust issues. And that’s when I get the weird old house dream. You’re right. Oddly comforting when I look at old homestead and castles with moats pictures. But scarier than shit when I see them in my dreams.
    Tell Randy I said, “Hang in there!” And put on some music that uses the 528 Hz
    It will give him something to think about besides not healing’ and could help with your stress and anxiety, too. I swear by it.
    Been doing color therapy for over 10 years now and whether it has helped me or not I think is reflected in my remaining sober and reduction of the pharmaceuticals that didn’t work anyway.

    Two of my faves πŸ™‚

    Tell Randy to tell you that I said, “Hang in there, You, TOO!!”

    *big squishy hug for the road*

  • Anxiety can be nightmarish; many in my spouse’s family suffer from it, including my adult son. That will be a perfect tattoo for you. I hope things start looking up for you, and quickly.

  • So true. The anxiety stays and manifests in odd ways. A year after my partner went through his major surgery, I can still overreact to what used to be normal, every day events. The power goes off: panic edges in (that sort of thing). It’s truly a bitch!

  • Very glad that Randy is on the mend and of course totally empathise with the anxiety. It really is a dick. My dad really isn’t well at the moment so mine is creating all the worst case scenarios.

    Your writing therapy is quite often my reading therapy so keep on doing it!

    Wish I was brave enough to go for a tattoo, but I don’t do pain.

    ‘Mad bag’ made me laugh a lot as I’m sure that’s probably some people’s nickname for me behind my back.

    Let’s hope it’s history very soon anyway.

    ‘Don’t Panic!’

    • Not gonna lie, tattoos DO hurt, but not horribly so. Kind of like a bee sting. Of course, I don’t have any big tattoos, just 3 small ones.

      I hope your pop improves every day! I’ve been thinking about you.

  • Oh, Michelle I’m sorry you’re suffering right now. It’s no big surprise though. Health issues are a huge stress factor. I’m happy to hear Randy is getting on your nerves though. That means he’s getting back his strength. πŸ˜‰ I love the song you shared by the way. I’ve never heard of those guys. So, thanks for that.

    I often have water dreams. The water is flooding the house (who’s house I’m not really sure but I’m there), I’m drowning, or sometimes it’s a good water dream where I’m blissfully swimming.

    I hope you can ride the wave!

    • My water dreams are ALWAYS anxiety dreams, unless they are filled with sea creatures..sometimes I dream about hundreds of whales and dolphins and turtles, etc…that is usually a good one. Also odd. \

      And thank you. This will pass. It always does.

  • Hi Michelle,
    Hang in – the post adrenaline piece can be quite challenging – I’m in the midst of my own right now, fortunately coming out of it. As for your tattoo – go for what grounds you. At the same time, I’ll throw in a quick thought for consideration – consider framing it to the positive (e.g. Be Calm or whatever floats your boat), that way if your brain jumbles and only focuses on one word – you get calm, not panic.
    Also – a number of years ago I started getting Pedi’s (way late in life) and each time I get a special simple design on my big toe – I call it my party toe. This grounds me and makes me smile. It even got compliments from the nurses prior to a recent surgery – made me and them laugh. Priceless. I realized after reading your post that this is my tattoo. Thank you for that. Sending a healthy hug.

  • I feel a little outa place, being the only guy in the room. But just wanted to let you know that anxiety isn’t just for girls — I’ve taken dope for panic attacks since just before we got married (?!?) 42 years ago. Or 43, I forget…

    • Oh, I know! Panic attacks are the worst. I’m sorry you have to deal with that..thank the stars for drugs.

      And you aren’t alone…Doug and Christopher usually show up here sooner or later. πŸ™‚

  • You are singing the tune of many of us. Every time I read that thing on social media that says something like, “would you be friends with yourself if you met yourself at a party,” I’m kind of like, “would I have a shield with which to ward off the angsty-vibe?” πŸ™‚

  • I’ve been trying to counteract my anxieties with the high-energy relentless optimism of my favorite band, The Joy Formidable:
    We’ll ride this
    We’ll ride this
    We’ll ride this
    We’ll ride this
    Pedal me closer
    I promise to never
    Look back down

    -from “Little Blimp”
    …But I could totally see Douglas Adams working in that capacity. Have you ever seen the youtube video of his lecture “Parrots, the Universe and Everything”? I miss him too, and not just because we shared a first name.
    Congratulations on the award, enjoy the new furniture, and may Randy regain his full healthy level of annoyance very soon…

    • Thank you for those lyrics! I have been so meaning to play that band and then I forget. I will remember tonight. (That means I am going to put Randy on it as he is the resident DJ)

  • A tattoo is a great idea! There is something very empowering about them and it doesn’t have to be a giant statement…something small works just as well because this is for you. I have three tattoos – and I love two out of the the three (bad tattoo artist). I’m working on No. 4 on my wrist – it will either be the words “be brave” or an artistic arrow because its about having direction in your life.
    anxiety sucks…I understand.

  • I was just thinking about Randy on the weekend and was going to mail you yesterday but work got in the way !!!!! Glad to hear he is recovering well. I know after Dad’s perforated bowel incident, his drain landed up staying in longer than they had first anticipated and every day it would be, one more day, one more day. I told him to tell them to shut up about it and just take it out when it was ready to come out but to stop with, one more day, one more day !!!!!
    Since coming back from the US my anxiety levels have been at an all time high – to the point where they are becoming debilitating. So, I went for a blood test last week and am off to see my hormone dr today in the hope that she can adjust something to help get them back to a more manageable level. I thought A was going to be around for the next couple of weeks but apparently the site he is working on which is 5 mins from home, is having some equipment issues and they have to get replacement equipment in so, until that arrives, he has to go away again – which pisses me off no end because I feel so much more supported when he is there. He helps to talk me down from the ridiculousness that the anxiety brings up. Oh well – may have to try by phone but given my hatred of talking on the phone, that may not go down too well !!!!!
    Have the best week xox

    • Oh sweetness, I hate to hear that. I am sending you all my peaceful thoughts.

      My older son suggested that I start taking taurine for anxiety and focus. He’s been taking it and swears by it, so I am going to give it a shot.

      Please send me an email if you need to vent. I am all ears.

  • Congratulations on the furniture… Hope Randy gets better fast and mad bag is thrown out in the trash soon.
    I write to suppress the voices in my head, or rather let them out to play… I don’t know which and while I don’t suffer anxiety, I do have the suicidal tendencies…… But the voices keep saying, ‘ stop being a pussy and just get on with it’
    I have 4 tattoos and have been thinking of number 5 for awhile, yours sounds like a good one! Do post a picture once you get it!!

    • Oh..I am sorry about the suicidal tendencies. My inner momma bear is demanding that I say that I hope you are under a doctor’s care or will consider it if you are not.

      I can’t wait to get our new stuff. We have so much to do to get the house ready to sell, no way new stuff was in the picture for another couple years.

      I love my tattoos. I will definitely post a picture when I get it done. πŸ™‚

  • This is so fucking relatable. Every last bit of it. Even Sam and Dean. I’m going with Same but that is a day to day thing. Here is a list for you. Use it if you want.

    1. Get out of bed.
    2. Brush Teeth.
    3. Make bed.
    4. Eat something that isn’t chocolate.
    5. Stay out of bed for 9 hours.
    6. Brush teeth.
    7. you WIN the day.

  • Sister what goes on in your mind absolutely amazes me! Give yourself a break you’ve had a shitty year so far…except for the new furniture part. I would be freaking too if something happened to my hubby like that too. They are supposed to be invincible and ready to catch us when we fall. It’s scary to realize that our safety net can’t save us.

  • “My bliss is watching Netflix, mentally planning ways to get my house ready to sell, and then not doing it. It might also include impure thoughts about Sam and Dean Winchester. I really don’t think the money is going to follow that particular bliss. I could be wrong, but I don’t think so.”

    OMG…you’re like…(sounded like my 13 yr old)…in my head. Get out of there!!! Do you know, of course you do, how much I lust over Dean Winchester? And I spend most nights in my bed attached to my Roku remote…Netflix saved my life you know. I used to work on my blog until midnight, slowly killing myself with “how to make money with this crap” planning. HA! I feel all warm and fuzzy inside now. Thanks for making my day.

  • And…on a serious note that I failed to include in my first comment…I know all about the anxiety part too. Xanax is my friend. Not as often as 6 months ago, thank God, but still there when needed. I hope that your life calms down and your hubby regains his health. If I knew answer about the “following your bliss” part I’d gladly give it, but I’m swimming in the same murky green water most days. I’ll help you keep your chin up if you can give mine a bump with your cleverness now and then.

    • I am right there with you. I just have to have it with me..I don’t usually have to take it, but if I don’t have it, then I’m freaked out.

  • All the feels. I’ve had anxiety and depression most of my adult life, probably back into my teens. 2016, with a few exceptions, has been a shit year here too. I too have been planning a tattoo (my first) to celebrate 25 years of not offing myself….. set up an appointment to see a recommended artist. He didn’t show and hasn’t responded back. A&D whispers, “gee you must have really made a bad impression on him that he doesn’t even want to work on you!” (Yes, my better half says, “FTS! he is the one who left a bad impression!”) Anyhow, I hope both our years get better soon!!

By Michelle


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