I stopped using shampoo about a year ago.
It was just an experiment. I didn’t think I’d give it up permanently and stick with the baking soda and vinegar treatment, but I have and I like it. I still use conditioner, and occasionally use a lather free shampoo, but mostly, it’s just baking soda for cleaning my hair.
But I couldn’t leave well enough alone, could I?
I already trusted people I don’t know at all on Pinterest to convince me to stop using shampoo. I decided to take that a step further and put my hair into Buzzfeed’s hands.
I love Buzzfeed articles. They’re not long and they have pictures. If I had to pick between 10 Buzzfeed articles and 1 Psychology Today article, I’m going with Buzzfeed every time. It requires very few brain cells and I don’t have many to spare.
Anyway, I read a Buzzfeed article that listed 24 ways to use coffee grounds. One of the ways was to use it to wash your hair.
Hey, that’s a great idea! I’ll add coffee grounds to my baking soda! It will be great!
I didn’t read the directions on how much coffee grounds to use or anything. Reading directions is for pussies. I just dumped a whole morning’s worth into a mug with my baking soda and some water and dumped it on my head.
I knew immediately that I made a mistake.
First of all, my scalp felt like I had been at the beach all day dumping buckets of sand on my head.
It was not good to the last drop.
Coffee grounds, apparently, work like magnets when it comes in contact with skin. You cannot wash that shit off. I looked down and was covered in black specks. I panicked at first and had a slapping ‘get them off me’ moment. I knew it was just coffee grounds, but still, it looked like bugs. I took a deep breath (which smelled like Waffle House and dandruff shampoo) and started picking coffee grounds out of my hair. I had coffee grounds behind my ears. I had coffee grounds in my ears. I had coffee grounds in my armpits, under my boobs and in other…crevices.
It looked like my shower had been visited by the coffee fairy’s evil cousin. A coffee grenade had been detonated in my shower. The floor, the walls, the shower door..all covered in coffee grounds. You know, it doesn’t look like much in the filter. Trust me though, a filter full of coffee can cover a lot of ground. And Juan Valdez can kiss my ass.
I spent thirty minutes picking coffee grounds off my person and swishing them down the drain. Then I had to deal with cleaning the swarm of coffee bugs out of the shower. I have no idea if I’m going to have clogged drain issues or not. So far it seems okay. Randy should appreciate it, though, because no matter what clogs any drain in our house from now until I finally accidentally burn it down, he’ll be able to blame me and the coffee grounds.
I finally made it out of the shower and walked into the bedroom where Randy was watching TV.
Me: Fucking hell. What a mistake that was.
Randy: What did you do?
Me: I washed my hair with coffee grounds.
Randy: What the fuck? Who told you to do that?
Me: Ummm, Buzzfeed. As soon as the words were out of my mouth, the ridiculousness of it crashed all around me.
He didn’t respond. He just rolled his eyes and shook his head the way I see him do at least once a day. I think he muttered something about just going back to shampoo, but he says that a lot. He hates the smell of vinegar.
I think I’m going to have to change the tagline on my blog to: Doing dumb things since the sixties so that you don’t have to.
Fuck you, Buzzfeed.