A Zombie Card Laid Is A Zombie Card Played

Randy and I are at the stage of life where we are in training to become old people. One of those exercises is that we play cards. If we are with other people, we play Euchre, if it’s just the two of us, we play 500 rummy. We have to buy decks of cards the way I have to buy cheap sunglasses. No deck survives a card getting lost or some sort of sticky alcohol spilled on it before it has been used more than a half a dozen times.

The following represents snippets of conversation that you might hear between Randy and I when we play cards together.


Me: You’re a freakazoid.

Randy: I’m fricassee?

Me: Yes, you’re fricassee.


Me: You have not watched Sherlock with me.

Randy: I have too, it has that Bunderson Cambersnatch guy in it.


Me: My lower teeth are getting gaps and they’re getting all bendy. I’m getting old lady teeth.

Randy: Don’t worry about it, wolfenstein.


Randy, after listening to me (poorly) recite Jabberwocky from memory: That would have been better if you had raised your shirt.


Okay, this snippet didn’t happen during any card game, it was this morning while we were wading through Saturday’s carnage in the kitchen.

Me: How many crumbs and bottle caps have to be in the silverware drawer before we clean it out?

Randy: I didn’t put any bottle caps in the silverware drawer.


Me: I bet a lot of people wait to clean out their silverware drawer until there’s a possibility that outsiders will see it.

Randy: <crickets> because he tunes me out all the time.

Me: I mean, there are acceptable crumb levels. If it’s just a few, then you can say Oh my, I must have done that when I was making that artisan sprouted grain toast so that my family has a healthy start to their day.

Randy: So, there’s a lot of crumbs in there.

Me: Yeah, if there’s enough to double up on Thanksgiving stuffing, then it’s time to clean it out.

Me: Well, I mean, if you’re having company.



We don’t have many jobs that are assigned exclusively to us, but we do have a few. One of Randy’s job is, he’s in charge of buying the cards.

Randy had to buy a new deck because my stepdaughter dumped Irish creme all over the last deck we had. When he bought cards, he bought zombie cards. Fortunately, he bought a second deck as well. because the zombie cards suck.

The way they are printed makes it difficult to see what the card is because they all look mostly the same. I don’t want to work that hard to tell if I have a 9 of spades in my hand or not. The zombie cards also had embarrassingly lame zombie sayings on them. Seriously, they are so lame that it makes them too distracting to use. And what a missed opportunity. They could have made them funny.

Here are some of the sayings:

Zombies are slow: Rigor mortis is your friend

Pony tails are out: Zombies are grabby

Don’t be a hero: Let someone else get eaten

Keep up with the group: Stragglers make a great meal

Be honest: Some people are more expendable

Okay, that last one does make a good point.

We got bored reading the lame sayings, so instead we created a zombie restaurant menu. We can’t decide what to name the restaurant, though. So far, we have Stiffy’s Diner, The Blue Cadaver and Abbie’s Morgue Room.


Varicose vein soup with mouse brains                                              8

South of the border Gator brain poppers                                         9

Kitty brain po boy                                                                                 10

Dog brain bowtie pasta with balsamic                                              15

Human brain with choice of two sides                                              29

Genius brain                                                                                           Market price

Deep fried Celebrity brain   Texas state fair special!                      Market price

Politician brain                                                                                      Free with Varicose vein soup

Okay, I feel like I have to say that my silverware drawer most definitely does not have enough crumbs in it to make a side dish. It is fairly horrifying, though. And Randy does too put beer bottle caps in the silverware drawer. It makes me nuts.

Now excuse me, I have to get the deck of cards that I can read and kick Randy’s ass.


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By Michelle


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