Randy and I are at the stage of life where we are in training to become old people. One of those exercises is that we play cards. If we are with other people, we play Euchre, if it’s just the two of us, we play 500 rummy. We have to buy decks of cards the way I have to buy cheap sunglasses. No deck survives a card getting lost or some sort of sticky alcohol spilled on it before it has been used more than a half a dozen times.
The following represents snippets of conversation that you might hear between Randy and I when we play cards together.
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Me: You’re a freakazoid.
Randy: I’m fricassee?
Me: Yes, you’re fricassee.
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Me: You have not watched Sherlock with me.
Randy: I have too, it has that Bunderson Cambersnatch guy in it.
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Me: My lower teeth are getting gaps and they’re getting all bendy. I’m getting old lady teeth.
Randy: Don’t worry about it, wolfenstein.
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Randy, after listening to me (poorly) recite Jabberwocky from memory: That would have been better if you had raised your shirt.
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Okay, this snippet didn’t happen during any card game, it was this morning while we were wading through Saturday’s carnage in the kitchen.
Me: How many crumbs and bottle caps have to be in the silverware drawer before we clean it out?
Randy: I didn’t put any bottle caps in the silverware drawer.
Me:…
Me: I bet a lot of people wait to clean out their silverware drawer until there’s a possibility that outsiders will see it.
Randy: <crickets> because he tunes me out all the time.
Me: I mean, there are acceptable crumb levels. If it’s just a few, then you can say Oh my, I must have done that when I was making that artisan sprouted grain toast so that my family has a healthy start to their day.
Randy: So, there’s a lot of crumbs in there.
Me: Yeah, if there’s enough to double up on Thanksgiving stuffing, then it’s time to clean it out.
Me: Well, I mean, if you’re having company.
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We don’t have many jobs that are assigned exclusively to us, but we do have a few. One of Randy’s job is, he’s in charge of buying the cards.
Randy had to buy a new deck because my stepdaughter dumped Irish creme all over the last deck we had. When he bought cards, he bought zombie cards. Fortunately, he bought a second deck as well. because the zombie cards suck.
The way they are printed makes it difficult to see what the card is because they all look mostly the same. I don’t want to work that hard to tell if I have a 9 of spades in my hand or not. The zombie cards also had embarrassingly lame zombie sayings on them. Seriously, they are so lame that it makes them too distracting to use. And what a missed opportunity. They could have made them funny.
Here are some of the sayings:
Zombies are slow: Rigor mortis is your friend
Pony tails are out: Zombies are grabby
Don’t be a hero: Let someone else get eaten
Keep up with the group: Stragglers make a great meal
Be honest: Some people are more expendable
Okay, that last one does make a good point.
We got bored reading the lame sayings, so instead we created a zombie restaurant menu. We can’t decide what to name the restaurant, though. So far, we have Stiffy’s Diner, The Blue Cadaver and Abbie’s Morgue Room.
MENU
Varicose vein soup with mouse brains 8
South of the border Gator brain poppers 9
Kitty brain po boy 10
Dog brain bowtie pasta with balsamic 15
Human brain with choice of two sides 29
Genius brain Market price
Deep fried Celebrity brain Texas state fair special! Market price
Politician brain Free with Varicose vein soup
Okay, I feel like I have to say that my silverware drawer most definitely does not have enough crumbs in it to make a side dish. It is fairly horrifying, though. And Randy does too put beer bottle caps in the silverware drawer. It makes me nuts.
Now excuse me, I have to get the deck of cards that I can read and kick Randy’s ass.
This is what my last comment inspired?? Classic!
HAHAHAAH…no…that will be on Tuesday. I didn’t want to do two narcissism posts in a row.
…(he said tongue in cheek of course…)
It’s Tuesday Michelle…so excitement!
Yep!
Ha! Kitty brains would only make an amuse-bouche (as I watch hubby chase his cat, trying to persuade him to submit to “babying” – don’t ask, it’s embarrassing 😉
Amuse-bouche makes me think of Friends where Jon Lovitz guest stars and his character is high!
Oooh! Tartlets! Tartlets. Tartlets. The word has lost all meaning.
Now I want to watch that episode
Poor kitty…
We used to play spades (and sometimes hearts) a lot when I lived up in Eureka where there isn’t much to do. Absurd quantities of high-quality weed were usually deployed (it is, after all, Humboldt County), after which the game would sort of deteriorate…
Hahahah..yeah…that would do it
No chilled monkey brains for dessert? For shame!
I did completely miss desserts
LOL. This post reminds me of an easter sunday I spent with my daughter and her friends watching zombie movies. Seemed inappropriately appropriate at the time!
I dunno…Easter Sunday is kind of zombie day.
I can relate. I had company over the other day and there was an old cheeto in the fork compartment. It was embarrassing, but not enough to remove it. My son says it’s been there for a long time. Who knew.
appetizer…it was just an appetizer
Oh. My. God. Every time my dad says “What’s laid is played” during Euchre I want to fling all my cards in the air and rage quit.
Randy uses that phrase…and yes…it does make one break out in stabs doesn’t it?
I don’t like cards because people get hyper-competitive, and then I want to stab them. My husband and I are preparing for old age by taking more naps and watching more TV.
We do pretty good with that…our competitiveness just comes out in massive shit talking, but neither of us really cares who wins. As long as it’s me. Hahahah.
Y’all are too cute. Practicing to be old together is a great thing, indeed.
The Jabberwocky one made me choke on a Reese’s Cup. Serves me right to read your posts and eat LOL
I laughed the hardest at wolfenstein. I couldn’t even be mad.
I used to play cards quite a bit, then my brother introduced me to “Cards Against Humanity” and regular card games kinda paled in comparison after that.
OMG that game is so much fun…but when it’s just the two of us…regular cards it is.
There is no embarrassment like playing Cards Against Humanity with your 18 year old and realizing that she knows what all of the cards mean. I’m always having to look that shit up!
We played with a huge group at Thanksgiving last year. My youngest was 15 at the time and he was most excited by the fact that he had permission to read out loud whatever was printed on the cards.
Stiffy’s Diner sounds like a restaurant for sex addicts…
I was really on the fence with that one.
This is great!!! Joe and I use to play cards before the kids were born, good to know we might get a chance once they are grown!! And, I love your conversations, we have very similar ones and they are what I love about marriage!! Thanks for the smile!
Thank you, Kathy! YES! Card playing days are ahead of you!
Your house must be fantastically fun! We play Euchre sometimes too and it gets a little crazy! Thanks for making me laugh this morning, now I have to go check out my silver ware drawer!
Mine is still embarrassingly bad…but I did unload the dishwasher so the crumbs are covered up by the clean utensils.
The only non silverware in our silverware drawer are single serve, fast food condiments and/or spices…who the hell puts bottle caps anywhere? I mean sure, if you’re a 19 year old frat boy and you’re trying to save enough up to bend into decorations for the bill of your favorite, fashionably scuffed, a & f fitted cap. But outside of that, it’s just unnecessary clutter.
He also collects them on top of the fridge. The garbage can is a mere few feet away..
Ha! I open beer bottles and leave the caps on top of the little fridge. Apparently walking ten feet to the trash can is just too far. :p
Hahah…the two of you should start a club.
I love the banter between the two of you! Thank you for letting us be a fly on your wall!
Thank you! It’s nearly always entertaining..when it’s not annoying.
It would never in a million years occur to my husband to clean out the silverware drawer. He doesn’t see what I see. Maybe he IS a zombie.
I would wear a helmet to bed, just in case..
Who knew there are Zombie playing cards? I do like your menu ideas.
Yeah, they’re horrible though. I mean, it could have been clever…but it was lame.
haha, great post. Sounds like fun! I don’t have bottle caps in my silverware drawer but my kitchen counter is often littered with sticky tea spoons causing sticky tea stain blotches everywhere. Makes me crazy! Maybe I was crazy before this?
Hmmmm…I couldn’t know for sure..but if I had to guess I would say it came before sticky tea stain blotches.
I knew it was time to clean when I discovered a mouse nest in my silverware drawer. That was a pretty good clue.
Damn….that is professional level, right there.
How about Biter’s Bites
Must be Walking Dead season soon (one month and 4 days to go)… I posted about racoon zombies today. Great minds.
Hahahha…I think I’m one of the only people on the planet who doesn’t watch Walking Dead…even though I love Norman Reedus.
I am somewhat comforted by the thought that other folks have crumbs in their flatware drawers. Of course in my head* everyone except for me keeps a perfect Donna Reed-esque house.
Pleah. Sometimes my brainmeats are full of the stupid.
Our card game go-to is called Hand-n-Foot. It’s essentially the purple and yellow bastard child of Gin Rummy and Canasta. I was introduced to it by the card sharks masquerading as my (then) in-laws.
Or would that more properly be then-laws?
Hmm.
Anyhoo…Have you heard of it? It’s actually quite fun, once you learn the rules. Just make sure you have the 2+ hours blocked off to play.
* – Where Anxiety Brain holds court most days, /:
then-laws….that is awesome.
I am not familiar with that game at all. I don’t know how to play canasta, either.
I promise you..you are not the only one to does not keep a Donna Reed house. Of course, it’s entirely possible that it’s just the two of us.
Crickets, yeah.. I get that a lot from my spouse as well.. That, and crumbs in the silverware drawer..
Great post.. I’d go with The Blue Cadaver, it has a certain ring to it..
I thought so…an air of class..
You two are super silly. Sounds fun!
We are super silly…and it’s been loads of fun for years now. 🙂
I just started playing card games. I joined a “Meet Up” group that plays Canasta once a week and my first time was last Wednesday. Yes, I was a Canasta virgin and had my cherry popped by a bunch of 70-year-old women.
Hahahah…That is awesome!